I'm not afraid of dying. Pieces of me die all the time.

So I'm listening to this Podcast for the first time, expecting it to be funny based on what I know about the host, and instead I got hit with some hard truths about life right off the bat. The host is talking to the first guest, Sage Francis, about how they were both similarly depressed and how each one was able to work their way out of it. They as the second guess about her life and she says that her life is awesome at the moment and then hit me with one of the realest quotes I've ever heard. "Happiness is the ability to feel optimistic about your future." Now, that may not hold true to everyone, but I feel like it definitely holds true to me. Back when I thought I had everything going on for me, when bad shit would happen, it sucked, but in the end if it didn't affect my future than it didn't hold much weight with me. I was so carefree because I was optimistic about where I was going in life. Once that all went away, suddenly even the smallest thing would bring me down because I saw it as one more roadblock on my way to a better future. I don't know. I just had to stop and ponder about that quote for a bit and write this down somewhere so that I wouldn't forget it. I didn't want to post it to Facebook because I don't want people to think I'm being emo or trying to post stupid quotes that I hate when people do. So I don't know. That's it.

I Wanna See Movies Of My Dreams

I've been doing a lot of soul searching since I was laid off from work a month and a half ago. I find myself at such an odd cross roads of life yet ago. It feels like 2007(8) all over again. The weirdest part to me though is that I can't decide how I feel. Before, if I was happy I was happy and that's it. If I was sad I was sad and it lasted a while. Lately my emotions have just been one giant roller coaster ride. I'll be extremely happy and then I find myself withdrawn from everything around me and thinking things that just bring me down. Things like being broke or being alone.

I guess that feeling of being alone is what haunts me the most. All my friends have grown and evolved and aren't the same people they were when we first started hanging out and sometimes it makes me feel so out of place. It's not their fault. It's not something they purposefully do. I just feel like either I haven't grown, which I know isn't the truth at all, or I've just grown apart from the path that they are growing on. I'm just scared that I'm reverting back to my old mentalities out of fear of feeling like I don't belong. But that's just it. I just don't fucking belong here. Whenever we are all having fun, drinking, or whatever, I pull myself away because its not what I truly want to be doing. I just do it because thats what they want to do and I just go along with it because I know they won't want to do whatever it is that I want. But truthfully, I don't even know what it is I want to be doing so its not like I really can offer any other suggestions. I'm finding myself in these situations where I am telling myself that I don't belong. That whatever we are doing just isn't me and that I am truly not enjoying myself and I convince myself I don't want to be there. I sabotage my own fun time and time again.

I guess a good example is tonight at the beach we were all hanging out and the idea to run into the water (well past midnight) came up and we all bounce around the notion that someone or other wasn't down to do it. We walked around and eventually came back and found two of our friends out in the water in just their boxers. Immediately Mark, Laken, Analise, Edgar, and I went to join them. We only took our shoes off and got our feet wet, but that was enough for us at the time. Edgar teased Laken that she wasn't as down as Damian cause he was out there in just boxers and she isn't down to do the same. She turned it back on him saying that she didn't see him doing it either and laughed it off. A few minutes later Edgar runs past us in the water in just his underwear and rushes out to meet the waves. That lit a fire in us and we went further into the water, not worrying about getting wet anymore. It was like a scene out of a movie or something. Kind of like in Garden State where Largeman climbs up on the tractor and yells and Natalie Portman's character and the other guy feel inspired and they climb up and join him and do the same. Well anyway, it was beautiful. What sucks though is that as soon as we were done feeling great, it seemed like life went on without me. I watched the girls wander off to find the boys and Edgar and Mark snapped back k to reality and realized they didn't like being cold and wet and sandy and began to hike back to the boardwalk. I was just kind of there but almost as if I wasn't. Like, all that could have happened without me and I was just a ghost observing in other peoples lives and fun. That's how I feel. Like a ghost that floats around the lives of my friends and watches them live, all the while I can't seem to find what I need to come back to life. fuck.

Baby Don't Worry Cause Now I've Got Your Back

One of the things that I have to remind myself of is that I'm not a super hero. It's not my duty to save the world. I can't save or be there for everyone. But more importantly than that, it's not my duty to be there or save everyone from their plights. I always try to go out of my way to help people that I feel need someone to pick them up in their time of need. Maybe it's something serious, maybe it's not. I've always wanted to be the one that they could say helped them through their tough time. I realize though, that not everyone needs help, and it's not up to me to decide whether or not they do. I recently came across a situation where someone that is dear to me is going through a tough time and as much as I'd like to help, I can't. Not unless that person asks for help. It kills me to think that they're hurting through this time but forcing myself into the situation to try to help might only make things worse. When I thought about this, I realized that it's a problem I have. I always try to help, even when I shouldn't. It was an odd thing to think about, but sometimes people need to go through hard times on their own to grow as an individual. Sometimes people need to resist help in order to learn that they just might actually need help. What I've learned though, is that it's not up to me that they learn whatever life lessons they need to learn. If they ask my help, I'll be there, but in the mean time all I can do is be compassionate for them and be available for them if they need assistance, even if it's just sitting with them and waiting for it to pass.

And I'm In The Wind

Who I was is not Who I am and who I am is not who I will be.

This statement has had a huge impact on me recently. It's not something that I didn't already know, but it was something that I had to put into the right words to actually understand. I came across the concept in a book about Zen Buddhism by Brad Warner. He kind of elaborates on the idea that the past and future are both fantasies. They are intangible ideas that do not exist. We can create records of the past and moments will always be alive in our minds, there is no way to actually go back and relive those moments. The future is just a fantasy, we can try our best to set things up to go according to plan so that we "know" that it will turn out the way we want it to, but it isn't definite. We have no real power over what will happen in the future. The only thing that is real to us is the present. The here and now.
Lately I've been reminiscing about my past and the things I did or didn't do that made me who I am today. I realized, though, that I am who I am because of the way that I think right now, because when I look back on the past I think to myself, "Well, i should have done this." or "I should have said that." "I thought that back then and I know then and now I know this..." Everything in the past is gone and done with and all I can really do is accept the person that I am now. Right now, I don't know what I am. I don't know what I will be, but I'm not worried about that. Right now, I'm just living my life the only way I know how; one day at a time. I'm a leaf blowing in the wind. I am taking care of what I have to take care of and other than that I am letting life happen. I'm not trying to be something I'm not. I'm not trying to make things happen. I'm letting life happen organically; on it's own. 

That's why I'm not trying to look for a girlfriend. I like to just let things fall into place on their own. I'm not trying to go out of my way to make it happen. A lot of people around me want to make that a reality but it's not a real concern of mine. I tell myself that at least. I would like to believe that. Truthfully, I hate being single. I hate not having someone that I can connect and be close to. It isn't a lust thing. I'm not just trying to get laid. I like having a significant other. I think it makes me a better person. When I have someone to impress, I work harder and I do better at all the things I do. But, I tell myself that it's not something I need, that it's not something I should try to force. I believe that whole-heartedly too. I really don't think it's something that you should rush. My last relationship was rushed and look where that landed me. It would be nice, though, to have someone that can be there for me to just be around. Lately, the perfect night to me would be just hanging out with someone, drinking wine and laughing and talking. Not doing anything crazy or out of the ordinary. Just enjoying each other's company. What's sad is that it doesn't have to be anyone specific. It just needs to be some one. That's why the song "Hold Me Down" by Minus the Bear really catches hold of my heart strings. It explains exactly how I've been feeling as of late. Just a leaf in the wind blowing around landing where ever the wind takes me. Be it another location or in the arms of someone that will offer me comfort, if even just for the night. So, here it is:



Lyrics:
"Hold Me Down"
And I'm in the wind
I am going to let it take me where it may
Maybe it lifts
Me to New Orleans or the dark streets of L.A.
I'm in the wind
I am in the wind
And if I fall to where you're standing
Will you tend to me?
I'm in the wind
I am in the wind
And if I end up in your arms will you help me stay?

I want your comfort for the evening
I need to pause and get my head
Hold me down, baby
Or the wind will catch me out again

I'm in the wind
And I don't know how long the breeze will let me stay
Maybe your kiss
Will calm the weather down and let me wait

I want your comfort for the evening
I need to pause and get my head
Hold me down, baby
Or the wind will catch me out again

I'm giving you up, I'm giving you up
I'm giving you up, I'm giving you up
I'm giving you up, I'm giving you up, again.

I want your comfort for the evening
I need to pause and get my head
Hold me down, baby
Or the wind will catch me out again
Hold me down
Hold me down
Hold me down, just keep me for another night

Didn't I Didn't I Know You?

I hate to admit it but peoples' perception of me is a lot more important to me than I let on. I always tell myself that I'm who I am and if people don't like it well then its their problem. But the truth of he matter is that I do want people to like me - to perceive me the way I want them to perceive me. Looking back on who I used to be and who I am today, they're two complete opposite people. Six years ago I thought I had reached the pinnacle of being a selfless, giving, person. Now that I've had time to mature and reflect on that, I realize that it wasn't who I am, and although that is how many people saw me, the people that mattered most got someone different. What bothers me is that they'll remember my good side, but the side of me that was selfish is what certain people will remember me as and that kills me. There was one person who I should have given everything to and I gave them close to nothing. I hate the fact that it is that aspect of who I was that is the most prevalent memory of me.
I just want to be a good person and do what's right. I don't want o look back on the person I used to be and be ashamed of it. I need to be more true to myself and not let someone change who I am.



Lyrics: "Oh, Hello"

Didn't I know you, mystery man?
Strange as all new thoughts on impotence.

All I want are windows
It wouldn't be the first time.

Didn't I, didn't I know you?
Didn't I, didn't I know you, didn't I know you?
All along, all we've been given is the ugliest tidings.
All along, we've been a mess.
Now quick dilation is the only chance we have left.

A stranger's just someone that you've forgotten.
How will we know if we've met before or done this dance,
Mystery man?

Didn't I, didn't I know you?
Didn't I, didn't I know you, didn't I know you?
All along, all we've been given is the ugliest tidings.
All along, we've been a mess.
Now quick dilation is the only chance we have left.

Shorter Of Breath And One Day Closer To Death

So I've sort of taken a sabbatical as of late and well, now I'm back. No podcast or anything this time around. Going back to just the song and lyrics for now. Anyway, here we go:



Artist: Pink Floyd
Song: "Time"

Lyrics:
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
And you are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say

BREATHE REPRISE
Home, home again
I like to be here when I can
And when I come home cold and tired
It’s good to warm my bones beside the fire
Far away across the field
The tolling of the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spells.

So with the passing of my grandmother, I've been thinking a lot about my own inevitable death. It's something that I ponder quite often actually. So here I was today just listening to Pink Floyd, jamming out. I initially put them on for the sake of listening to "Money" off the same album. So when "Time" came on, I got hit hard with how heavy this song is. Mortality is fresh on the mind and the lyrics are just so fitting with what's been going on in my head lately.

Just like I feel like I've taken those that I've lost for granted, I'm also reminded that I take those still around for granted, and just as importantly, I take myself for granted. I don't realize how much time I waste just doing nothing when I can be doing so much more. Whether it be sitting on the couch watching Glee with my girlfriend, getting together with my friends and watching some UFC fights, or just hanging out with my family arguing over nothing at dinner I am reminded by this song that I need to appreciate those moments more. It's the little things that are important. So I'm going to do my best to make the most of life, especially the little things. I hope you do the same.






On a side note, I've decided to add this song to my funeral playlist. I know it sounds weird but I have this playlist of songs I want played at my funeral. So far, this is what I've got:

"Soco Ameretto Lime" by Brand New
"Welcome To Bangkok" by Brand New
"Body in a Box" by City and Colour
"Time" by Pink Floyd


There have been others but I've never taken the time to write them down so some songs have been lost. I'm going to continue adding to the list throughout the years. So when I do finally go, someone please compile this playlist and burn it onto a cd or whatever and distribute it to everyone that's attending.

Sleep In Peace When The Day Is Done

Artist: Muse
Song: Feeling Good



Lyrics:"Feeling Good"

Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea you know how I feel
River running free you know how I feel
blossom in the trees you know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

We Fought Nonstop To Make These Nights Our Own Now No One Can Take Them Away

So just a heads up I will be recording a podcast for the blog from now on. Please take a listen and comment with any feedback you may have. Thanks for listening in guys

Artist: Hit The Lights
Song: Until We Get Caught


Lyrics:"Until We Get Caught"
This is not the end
This is just the beginning
And don't you know everything we want
Is within our reach at fingertips length
We fought nonstop to make these nights our own
Now no one can take them away

Hands in the air (hands in the air)
No one make a sound (no one make a sound)
While you're in despair, we'll have our ears to the ground
Listening for the pulse that just might drive these hearts tonight
And I know we won't make it out alive

We could have had it all
Our backs against the wall
Our eyes blindfolded tight
Living what they call life
[x2]

(We could) We could have had it all
(Our backs) Our backs against the wall
(Our eyes) Our eyes blindfolded tight

Hands in the air (hands in the air)
No one make a sound (no one make a sound)
While you're in despair, we'll have our ears to the ground
Listening for the pulse that just might drive these hearts tonight
And I know we won't make it out alive

We won't make it out alive
When you burn down these bridges
And you build up these walls
And you've torn out these pages
And there's nothing left at all
And when that day comes
And we're all still here
Will you be waiting?
Will you be waiting?

Hands in the air (hands in the air)
No one make a sound (no one make a sound)
While you're in despair, we'll have our ears to the ground
Listening for the pulse that just might drive these hearts tonight
And I know we won't make it out alive
And I know we won't make it out alive

All That's Gold Does Not All Shine And Helping Words Aren't Always Kind

True Friends Stab You In The Front

Artist: Thrice
Song: "The Beltsville Crucible"

Lyrics: true friends stab you in the front
keep you from getting what you want
when one more fix could kill you
they help you realize that

you're more and less than you first had believed
you've so much to give and there's so much you need
shortcuts through graveyards and a brand new way to breathe
three thousand miles just to learn,

all that's gold does not all shine...
and helping words aren't always kind,
when one more kiss could kill you,
they help you realize that

you're more and less than you first had believed
you've so much to give and there's so much you need
shortcuts through graveyards and a brand new way to breathe
three thousand miles just to learn.

how to let my guard down
accept the fire has spread among us.
and if you're feeling all right,
you've got to play it again,
you've got to play it again.


Now I know I'm not in the best of places in my life to be giving advice, but that doesn't mean I am going to sit by and let someone's life go downhill. I try to help my friends in anyway possible. Even if it means crossing certain lines and speaking out of place. Now, I don't do the whole. "I'm going to yell at you until you until you get your act together/bad cop" thing well like my buddy Adrian does. I'm not like that, but sometimes it comes off that way even if I don't mean to. I just want to try to help but because it's such a touchy subject I sometimes come off sounding condescending when I really don't intend to. I just want to be able to have at least tried to help. Even if I accomplish nothing it's better than not trying. I mean, I care about all my friends. Some more than I should, but that won't stop me from trying to help them out with something as serious as school or work or relationships. I'm going to help my friends out as much as possible and nobody can stop me from doing so.

No Regrets, Just rebirth

Incandescent Reinvention

Artist: Thrice
Song: "Phoenix Ignition"

Lyrics:Like a phoenix ignition
like a crematorium
Like a swelling volition
from the barrel of a gun
From the ashes and the embers
like a rocket I'll ascend
Like a cry gone up for a fallen friend
Like a cry gone up for a fallen..

Like a phoenix ignition
like a crematorium
Like a swelling volition
from the barrel of a gun
From the ashes and the embers
like a rocket I'll ascend
Like a cry gone up for a fallen friend
I'LL ASCEND

Everyday tear down the walls
till cornerstones remain
Coming ONE STEP CLOSER ALL THE TIME
And although we'll never reach perfection ALWAYS PERSIST TO TRY

No regrets, just rebirth
move forward, and ignite.
Incandescent Reinvention
a new renaissance
A NEW FIRE EACH DAY
A NEW FIRE EACH DAY...DAY...DAY...DAY!




Lately I've been really down on myself. Hating myself for lack of motivation. Not aspiring to go anywhere. Rather than fight back and push forward I was just laying down and accepting defeat. Not anymore though.

I've noticed that no matter how bad I'm doing I can always count on Thrice to pick me up. If Brand New is my downer, Thrice is my upper. All day I have been listening to them and reminding myself why I like them so much. I contemplated writing a blog on another song but decided to wait to see if anything else would come up. Then this song came on and I knew instantly. It stuck me at the core. The lyrics burned into my head and convinced me of their truth. I need to reinvent myself. I've been so negative lately. Sometimes I wouldn't even try to put up a facade of happiness. I would just let the negativity take over. Not anymore however. Now I'm going to grow out of this hole and persevere. I am going to burn this current way of thinking and be reborn in it's ashes as a newer, happier self. I've always adored the Phoenix as a mythological being and it makes perfect sense to do this. All I needed was to hear this song.

Walking Through The Rain We'll See The Beauty In Life Again

I just want someone to share my life with.



Artist: Darkest Hour
Song: "With A Thousand Words To Say But One"


Lyrics:And to reflect is to regret throwing it all away and apathy my one way
Street it took so much from me separated by this divide I created
Through my fears and in your tears you tried to show blind eyes and
Tell deaf ears if we can make it through the landslide standing we'll
Lift each other up to see the bliss on the horizon been looking
In from the outside lately I've seen who I used to be and it's not me
And we can keep healing and we can keep holding on I just want to take
You where our time won't be waste anymore through the mountains on the
Water we'll stay engulfed in one another and when I can wake up to see the
Sunrise in your eyes and we'll finally be free I'll know I've made it home so lets go out west
And bask in the overcast and walking through the rain we'll see the
Beauty in life again


My biggest problem is that I've been reflecting way too much lately. I have been bringing up old memories that I found out I still have a hard time dealing with. It sucks that it's true, but fuck... It's true. Maybe it's just because I've been wanting someone to share my life with more than ever. I feel like I tend to tantalize myself with chances of potential connections but it never seems to work. So what happens is that I watch something or listen to something that reminds me of all the girls I've ever been close to and then it just feeds that fire of loneliness even more and I come crashing down on myself.

As I said in my previous entry, my greatest enemy is myself. I have very little self-esteem and tend to try to hide that as best as possible. I put up fronts to try to be someone people enjoy having around but I end up just hurting myself even more. But you see when there is a girl that is in my heart I push myself to do better. I push myself to be a better person. That's what I need. I don't need a girlfriend to go on dates with and cuddle with. I need a girl that will inspire me to be a better person. Give me a reason to live up to these standards I have set for myself. Become something she can be proud of. I know I can't do it on my own free will. I need that push.

It's Hard To Be The Better Man When You Forget You're Trying

I fucking hate myself




Artist: Brand New
Song: "Handcuffs"



Lyrics: "Handcuffs"

I’d arrest you if I had handcuffs
I’d arrest you if I had the time
I’d throw you down in the backseat
As if you'd committed a terrible crime

I'd break in a town's worth of houses
And rob whole families blind
I’d do it to you like you'd do it to me
If you knew you would get away fine

I’d drown all these crying babies
If I knew that their mothers wouldn’t cry
I’d hold them down and I’d squeeze real soft
And let a piece of myself die

It’s hard to be the better man
When you forget you’re trying
It’s hard to be the better man

I’d arrest you if I had handcuffs
I’d arrest you if I had the time
I’d wait for you outside the courtroom
and taunt you when all your appeals were declined

I’d drive my car off of a bridge
If I knew that you weren’t inside
With the pedal to the floor, who could ask for a more
fantastic way to kill some time

You could lay on your back and be beaten
You could put up your fists and fight
You could try and be way off

It’s hard to be the better man
When you forget you’re trying
It’s hard to be the better man
When you’re still lying

It’s hard to be the better man
When you forget you’re trying
It’s hard to be the better man
When you’re still lying
You’re still lying


I am my own worst enemy. I beat myself up and I bring myself down for no reason. It's like I won't let myself be happy. What the hell is wrong with me? There has to be some name for this. I constantly remind myself of how badly I've ruined anything that I've ever cared about. I constantly remind myself of how badly I've fucked my life up. Everything I watch is like a punch to the gut. Every song I listen to is like a kick across the mouth. I'm tired of trying to be this fucking carefree guy that has all the jokes. I am tired of lying to myself. FUCK! What the hell is wrong with me? I want to put my head through a wall. The truth is I'm so fucking fake. I'm the least honest person I know. I can't tell when I'm lying and when I'm telling the truth. I don't know what I believe about myself. I lie to myself about my feelings and try to convince myself that way but in the end it just leaves me empty and confused with no real answer. I want to find out how fast I stop when I hit a street post with my car. I want to find out how long I can hold my breath for under water till I finally give out.


How can I expect happiness when I can't get over any of my problems. Rather than work at them to make them better I just lay in my own shit and do nothing about it. Everything I do just ends up making things worse. I ruin people's lives by just being involved with theirs. Every day I lie to people I talk to. Every day I let my friends down without them even knowing it. Every day I make myself sick...




I hate how I feel like people will think I'm just looking for attention. I know I'm having a little pity party but I'm not looking for comfort. I'm not asking you to give me a hug. I don't really want to talk about it. I just needed to tell something or someone and I'll never be man enough to tell anyone face to face. That's the whole reason why I blog. I say things that I normally don't say. Even now though I hide the complete raw truth out of fear of it being known. I still hide my feelings. I still hide...

I've Killed Myself With Changes Trying to Make Things Better

I've been in this weird haze lately and I'm totally over it. So I was listening to some old songs that I used to dig back in high school and I came across one of my favorite Bright Eyes songs, "A Perfect Sonnet." So here it is:




Artist: Bright Eyes
Song: "A Perfect Sonnet"


Lyrics: "A Perfect Sonnet"

Lately I've been wishing I had one desire
Something that would make me never want another
Something that would make it so that nothing mattered
All would be clear then
But I guess I'll have to settle for a few brief moments
And watch it all dissolve into a single second
And try to write it down into a perfect sonnet
or one foolish line
'Cause that's all that you'll get so you'll have to accept
You are here then you're gone
But I believe that lovers should be tied together and
Thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
and left there to drown
Left there to drown in their innocence
But as for me I'm coming to the final chapter
I read all of the pages and there is still no answer
Only all that was before I know must soon come after
That is the only way it can be
So I stand in the sun
And I breathe with my lungs
Trying to spare me the weight of the truth
Saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror
And you've spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever
And now you are laying in a bathtub full of freezing water
Wishing you were a ghost
But once you knew a girl and you named her Lover
And danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer
But autumn came, She disappeared
You can't remember where she said she was going to
But you know that she's gone 'cause she left you a song
That you don't want to sing
We're singing I believe that lovers should be chained together
And thrown into a fire with their songs and letters
And left there to burn
Left there to burn in their arrogance
But as for me I'm coming to my final failure
I've killed myself with changes trying to make things better
But I ended up becoming something other than what I had planned to be
Now I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
And layed entwined together on a bed of clover
And left there to sleep
Left there to dream of their happiness


Like I was saying earlier it's hard to explain how I've been feeling lately other than that I'm stuck in a cloudy haze. I am lonely but I tell myself that it's nothing but then I yearn for something more than this boring self. I hate to admit it but I've become bitter to the world because of my loneliness. I try to be the loving person I used to be but I feel like I can't be because of the way I get upset at the thought of other people attaining happiness before me. That's why I can relate to this song so much. I don't want to be alone. I want to be happy but nothing seems to work. I've always been the friend that people can turn to when they have problems that they need to talk about but when it comes to me, I can't put the words together to describe whats wrong.

And like the song, I may be bitter, but in the end it's all a front. In the end I just want to be happy myself and I really just yearn for that feeling of love again.

I Wont Be A Wasted Soul, Another Ghost Like Everyone Else

So it's been a while since the last post. Not for any reason in particular, I just haven't really had anything important I wanted to share. I don't want to waste your time as well as mine with a blog that doesn't have much meaning. So anyway, I've been feeling very motivated lately and I started listening to Carpathian again. They always make me angry at life haha. So anyway, the song is "Cursed" by said band Carpathian. Here it is:



Artist: Carpathian
Song: "Cursed"

Lyrics:"Cursed"

The realisation that I still don't know what I'm doing here,
Put in perspective I am nothing,
It feels like something has been wasted, and I am fading
Time is growing against me as I grow tired of being
Just another soul spent searching for something inside,
I hate my fucking guts, I hate desire, I hate lust,
I hate humanity, I hate instinctively, I hate this fucking world for fucking hating me

The chasm in my chest
Screams of resounding emptiness
I've never tasted this bitterness
I never felt this solitude, worthlessness

So what great vision is this to sail amongst the vast indifference?
Accept a trail to hollow senses, where only tragedy breaks the numbness
So what great epiphany, will spell out beneath my feet?
Chain my wrists, and admit defeat, imprisoned by 'the clarity'
So is this destiny, a doubtful life, feeling empty?
Worst of all to make me guilty, blindest of the blind, telling me to see
I might hate this world, I might hate myself
But I wont be a wasted soul, another ghost like everyone else


From the start this song just pulls me in with relativity. I can't help but feel exactly what he's singing about in the first verse of the song. I always feel lost and stuck here in the desert. It feels like I will never accomplish anything here in the Coachella Valley. We always play ourselves up to be big and on top of the world, but really I'm just a lonely, bitter guy stuck in a dead-end job waiting for a big break rather than actually working at it. Then there is the "I hate my fucking guts, I hate desire, I hate lust" line that just blows me away. I feel the exact same way sometimes. It's true because I let desire and lust get the better of me more often than not. I hate that I'm always wanting something I can't have, in this case, a girlfriend. I'm close to a few girls but nothing will ever come of it. It never works out for me in the end. I mean, I've come to terms with that and I'm happy with what I have, I just wish I could have more.

But the point of this blog wasn't to rant about how unhappy I am, it was to talk about how motivated I've been. Lately I've felt so driven to do something with myself. I am ready to get through this slump I'm in and do something with myself. That's what I love so much about the last section of the song. It describes what I feel inside. One part of it is that I have been losing weight somehow. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not working out one bit, but I've been losing weight regardless. It's been doing a good job of restoring some of my self-confidence. It's sorta funny really. My mom was upset with me Christmas morning because a bunch of the clothes she bought me as gifts are too big now. I'm not gonna lie, it felt so good to have her acknowledge my weight loss. Granted it's not much, but I've been too big for too long. So anyway, back to business. I'm ready to start doing something with myself. The plan is to drop weight and hopefully join the Air Force. My cousin's husband and I had an awesome talk about his time spent in the Air Force and it re-ignited the spark in me. I want to do it. I want to get out of here and see the world. I want to do something worth talking about when I come home to visit. I want to make my parents proud for once.

Sick Of This Circle Of Death That We Dance Through

We've all been dealing with the problem probably since elementary school. There is always someone that doesn't like someone else. So that's what I'm going to talk about today. So when I was listening to Thrice last night before bed "Kill Me Quickly" and I thought it would be pretty appropriate for this blog.




Artist: Thrice
Song: "Kill Me Quickly"

Lyrics:"Kill Me Quickly"

Can we,
can we kill each other quickly?
Quick enough so I won't feel it?
A shot of strobe light anesthia
and I'll be fine

'Cause I'm beginning to feel cold
My hands are shaking from fear,
white from clutching my pride,
red from cutting you,
and blue from telling lies.

'Cause I'm sick of the stabbing,
I'm sick of the breaking,
I'm sick of the bleeding until we fall down,
sick of this circle of death that we dance through
again and again, just lay me in the ground.
Let's fall asleep together,
hold me darling 'cause I'm scared,
and I can't do this alone.

But I need!
your heartbeat
to haunt me,
your cold lips to breathe,
a promise that, tomorrow
we'll wake up somewhere new.

So a problem that we've all had especially in my circle of friends is that there is always someone that has a problem with someone else. It sucks. I hate that we have to watch who we bring around who. I just wish it wasn't as big of a deal as it is so that we could bring said people around each other and have it not be a problem. Like, they could just not interact with each other and still have fun you know? I mean, that's what I do if I'm ever the one that is put in that situation with people I don't like. But we don't do that because a lot of us are too considerate and don't want to people in that scenario. I know I sure don't like doing it. It just sucks because someone is always left out and it creates jealousy and unnecessary angst. I usually don't take sides in matters when it comes to a problem between two of my friends but I hate being put in that situation where I may have to. I just wish we could all be civil and not hold onto grudges.

So I don't care what the situation is. A forgiving heart is a blessed heart. Lets change things around here and go back to being friends.

You're Just Jealous Cause We're Young And In Love

I have some cousins over since we had a death in the family recently. I have this weird fascination with death and dying. I dwell on it a lot. I've even picked out what song I want played at my funeral. So that's what it is today, "Soco Ameretto Lime" by Brand New. I know... Another Brand New song, oh well.



Artist: Brand New
Song: "Soco Amaretto Lime"

Lyrics: "Soco Amaretto Lime"

Passed out on the overpass
Sunday best and broken glass
Broken down from the bikes and bars
Suspended like spirits over speeding cars
You and me were kings over the parkway tonight
And tonight will go on forever while we
walk around this town like we own the streets
and stay awake through summer like we own the heat
Singing "everybody wake up (wake up) it's time to get down"
(everybody, everybody wake up its time to get down)
And when I pass the bottle back to Pete
on the overpass tonight, I bet we laugh

I'm gonna stay eighteen forever (cut me open)
So we can stay like this forever (sun poisoned)
And we'll never miss a party (this offer...)
cause we keep them going constantly (...stands forever)
And we'll never have to listen (new haircut)
to anyone about anything (new bracelet)
cause it's all been done and it's all been said (eyeliner)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get

The hell out of this town
Find some conversation
The low fuel lights been on for days
It doesn't mean anything
I've got another 500, 'nother 500 miles
before we shut this engine down,
we shut it down

I'm gonna stay eighteen forever (cut me open)
So we can stay like this forever (sun poisoned)
And we'll never miss a party (this offer...)
cause we keep them going constantly (...stands forever)
And we'll never have to listen (new haircut)
to anyone about anything (new bracelet)
cause it's all been done and it's all been said (eyeliner)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get (wait forever)

(you're just jealous cause I'm young and in love)
Eighteen forever (first kisses)
(your stomach's filled up but you're starved for conversation)
So we can stay like this forever (new stitches)
(you're spending all your nights growing old in your bed)
And we'll never miss a party (collar weekend)
(and your tearin up your photos cause you wanna forget... it's over)
cause we keep them going constantly (appearance ticket)
(you're just jealous cause I'm young and in love)
And we'll never have to listen (November to...)
(your stomach's filled up but you're starved for conversation)
to anyone about anything cause it's all been done (...remember)
(you're spending all your nights growing old in your bed)
and it's all been said (nightswimmers)
(and your tearin up your photos cause you wanna forget... it's over)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get

Just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous... [turntable scratch]



Here's a little back story. Last year around May I was kicked out of my house for a couple reasons and my sister was just beginning to like Brand New at the time so she was listening to it in the car whenever she would be driving with my mom. My mom actually listens to the music that we listen to in the car rather than drown it out in her head and this song really stuck out to her. Over time she grew to hate it because it reminded her of me and she began to miss me more than she wanted to admit. The first time we rode in the car together after I left the house this song came on and she began crying uncontrollably. She then explained that it was this song that made her cry because it describes me and my friends perfectly and it made her miss me. She said it fit us perfectly because we're always doing something. Always going out of town and always doing things together. That we were in a constant state of partying and hanging out. Like we have no fears or worries about life. I must say, she was right.

So I find it fitting that this song be played at my funeral. This song will forever remind me of all my friends and people I've ever loved. Even people that aren't around. I'll always remember the fun times we've had and I want people at my funeral to be able to remember them as well when they hear this at my funeral.

So enjoy the time you have right now. Even when things are looking grim, just take a step back and take a look at who you have with you. They're the ones that are there for you now so try your best to be for them in the future. Keep the people you care about close and you'll never be alone.

Don't Let Yourself Down And Don't Let Yourself Go

Artist: Muse
Song: "Butterflies and Hurricanes"

Lyrics: "Butterflies And Hurricanes"

Change everything you are
And everything you were
Your number has been called

Fights and battles have begun
Revenge will surely come
Your hard times are ahead

Best, you've got to be the best
You've got to change the world
And use this chance to be heard
Your time is now

Change everything you are
And everything you were
Your number has been called

Fights and battles have begun
Revenge will surely come
Your hard times are ahead

Best, you've got to be the best
You've got to change the world
And use this chance to be heard
Your time is now

Don’t let yourself down
And don’t let yourself go
Your last chance has arrived

Best, you've got to be the best
You've got to change the world
And use this chance to be heard
Your time is now



I've made this decision to start trying to make the people around me happier. I'm tired of seeing people I care about bummed out. People used to come to me with their problems and I would always do a good job of listening and taking it in and reflecting positive out of it and helping them pick their heads' up, even if only a little. I feel like I've lost that side of me and I want it back.

What I love about this song is that the lyrics are so direct and straight-forward that you really don't need to think too much into it to feel motivated by it. Just reading them you know that this song is meant to inspire action in others. What makes this song ten times better is if you know and understand the band themselves, you can get a deeper meaning of the song. The band is very much into conspiracy theories and things of that sort. So if you take another look at the title, "Butterflies and Hurricanes" you might begin to realize that this is a reference to the Butterfly Effect which states that a butterfly on one side of the world can change the direction of a tornado or hurricane on the other side of the world with the flapping of its wings. Just the idea of something so small impacting something so large is crazy in itself, but when you think about it in regards to the song and it's lyrics, they're not asking for a small change. What he's asking for is for you to change everything about yourself. Imagine the power behind something like that.

So this is my personal declaration to do something about our situation. I'm going to try my best to do better by all my friends. Will you join me?

To The Top And Nothing's Going To Stop Us

So I couldn't find a cool video on Youtube for this song so I found this cool embeddable mp3 player service. So The song is "So Close/So Alive" by Just Surrender. If you know the song this blog might throw you off a little. It's not exactly what you think it is. Anyway, here we go.

Artist: Just Surrender
Song: "So Close/So Alive"


Lyrics: "So Close/ So Alive"

It looks like you need some company
Your face is wearing such misery
I'll stay right here if you, if you want me to
(I want you to)
And if our worlds collide
A smile I should provide
I'll turn your fantasies into something real
Cause, baby, get inside

To the top, and nothing's gonna stop us
No roots or chains there to hold us
Today will be the day we reach the sky
So long to things that just were made up
So close that you can almost taste it
Today will be the day we reach the sky

I like the way you look tonight
Your dress has drawn me to your eyes
I know that it's a stretch
Would you let me stay?
(I'll let you stay)
You got me in a trance
And if you take a chance
I'll make your memories into something more
Just open up your eyes

To the top, and nothing's gonna stop us
No roots or chains there to hold us
Today will be the day we reach the sky
So long to things that just were made up
So close that you can almost taste it
Today will be the day we reach the sky

You know that I will be next to you
When morning comes, I'll still be true to you
(You say you'll never leave)
And I won't, dear
(But how can I believe?)
Just trust me, please
(I can't explain how much I need you)
Don't say a word
Your body will speak for you
(You can be the reason I'm alive)
You're already everything I've got
(Hold me close; keep me on my toes)

To the top, and nothing's gonna stop us
No roots or chains there to hold us
Today will be the day we reach the sky
So long to things that just were made up
So close that you can almost taste it
Today will be the day we reach the sky

(Hold me close)
To the top, and nothing's gonna stop us
(Keep me on my toes)
No roots or chains there to hold us
Today will be the day we reach the sky
(Today will be the day we reach the sky)
(Hold me close)
So long to things that just were made up
(Keep me on my toes)
So close that you can almost taste it
(Today will be the day we reach the sky)
Today will be the day we reach the sky



Singing along with this song really brings me down. It makes me want to be able to have it be about me and my situation. Thats the thing though, I don't have a situation. This song reminds me of that early feeling when you're still falling in love... Where you're barely realizing it and it feels like nothing can ever go wrong. I miss that. I WANT that. I want to be able to sing this song with someone special. I love singing, and to have someone sing with me would make me so happy, but there's no one.

I guess what I've been feeling lately is loneliness but to a different extent. This isn't like the, "man how cool would it be to have a girlfriend again" type of loneliness. It's more along the lines of, "man, I feel so distant from everyone I was ever close to" kind of loneliness. I feel like I've been such a shitty friend lately. I'm not exactly sure why. But I feel like I'm losing touch with all the people I want to have close to me. I honestly don't know what happened. Maybe I got lost in heaven. By that I mean; maybe I lost myself trying to be something I wasn't. I went about this whole life changing thing the wrong way. Not that there is necessarily a right way, but I feel like since that, things have been looking up in some areas, but looking down in others. Sure I was a lot happier and I still kind of am, but I'm starting to see things differently. I'm starting to see other sides of people and I am starting to believe that I am the cause of it. It's like I forgot how to notice other people's feelings or something. Like I was so absorbed in myself that I couldn't notice that I was bothering others. Now I feel so far from everything and it's probably because I unknowingly pushed everything away. I feel like I've forgotten how to balance everything. I try to help out but end up causing more problems. I try to be there for something, but end up smothering. Try to patch things up, only to pull it apart even more...


I don't know what I'm doing right now. I am trying to find myself. All I can ask is that you stick with it and ride this out with me. I promise to try my best to get cool again. To be worth having around cause right now I feel like I'm not. And please if you ever need to talk about something, hit me up. Helping people helps me. Lets help eachother.

If You'd Be My Breath, Theres Nothing I Wouldn't Give

I just got back from a trip to Circle K not too long ago and walks at this time in the morning with this kind of weather can really get a guy thinking. Now, these weren't the best thoughts, but I'll wait to go into detail on that. The song is "Milestone" by Brand New. I swear every song has something to do with my life. Anyway...



Artist: Brand New
Song: "Millstone"


Lyrics:"Milestone"

I used to be such a burning example,
I used to be so original.
I used to care, I was being cared for.
Made sure I showed it to those that I love.

I used to sleep without a single stir,
'Cause I was about my father's work.

Well take me out tonight,
This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
A millstone around my neck,
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

I used to pray like God was listening.
I used to make my parents proud.
I was the glue that kept my friends together,
Now they don't talk and we don't go out.

I used to know the name of every person I'd kissed.
Now I've made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it.

Well take me out tonight,
This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
A millstone around my neck,
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

Throw me that lifeline,
This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
A millstone around my neck
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

"They never hit their brakes..."
"There was no time to see..."
"He just ran out in the street..."
"Does anybody know his name?"
"I think I recognize him..."
"He sure as hell paid for that mistake..."

Woah.

So take me out tonight.
This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
A millstone around my neck.
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

Well save my life tonight.
This ship of fools I'm on will sink
A millstone around my neck
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.


I really hate to be feeling down and out, but sometimes it just happens you know. Not everyone can be a super hero. Despite the mask I wear everyday I know I'm just a normal person on the inside. Shit happens. I just hate how I feel like I still don't have a handle on things. I'm in such a deep debt it's scary. Someone my age shouldn't have to deal with this. I feel like my the friend I owe thinks I'm such a flake. My mom definitely thinks so. She has such little faith in me it's sad. I really did used make my parents proud. And then I grew up into the person I am today. I need to get my life on track. From now on I'm not going to spend my money on shit. I'm going to do as little as possible to spend money. Sure I'll eat out maybe once a week. Maybe a movie once a week. But once I get my car fixed I'm going to pay off Michelle as soon as I can. No Christmas for me this year. Maybe I'll buy my sister a game or something. But I can't afford anything right now. I'm gonna fix this situation. I promise it.

And I hate feeling like this cause it reminds me of how alone I am. I wish I had someone that could help me out and just tell me things will get better. Someone to remind me not to spend my money on stupid things. Someone to just be there and remind me that no matter how much I mess up I'm still special and worth being around. I'm so ready for something real. I'm so ready for someone to be that lifeline cause it feels like I have a millstone hung from my neck and this ship of fools I'm on is sinking. I need someone to be my breath and rescue me. I'm ready for something real.

Yeah You Know That The You Could Save My Life

So I know it's sorta been a while but I don't have life epiphanies every day. So lately I've been thinking a lot on the subject of love, but I'm not in love so it was hard to relate to anything, what I did come across today though was that before you could love, you have to be able to trust. So the song for today is appropriately "Trust" by Thrice. Now all I could find was their live performance but it's a good one. So here you go, listen to the song, read the lyrics.



Artist: Thrice
Song: "Trust"


Lyrics: "Trust"

mix the chemicals right dear, mix the chemicals right
yeah the margin of error is slight
mix the chemicals right dear
mix the chemicals right
yeah you know that you could
save my life

there is a risk, there's a risk when your dealing with love
you could snap my neck
any speed you drive can be dangerous

mix the chemicals right dear, mix the chemicals right
yeah you know there's a fine line between
mix the chemicals right dear, mix the chemicals right
cause i know what betrayal can mean

when this frame fails me
will i trust you to carry me through?
i know there's no such thing as safety
but i know what a promise can do.
will i trust you, will i trust you to carry me through?
i will trust you, cause i know what a promise can do



So as I mentioned earlier I've been thinking a lot about love. For no particular reason really. See, I've always kinda considered myself the hopeless romantic type that feeds off of cheesy romance and passion. But I came to a horrible realization; I'm not in love! So I found it hard to relate to any of the songs I was listening to. All they brought back was nostalgia at best. So out of left field, "Trust" from Thrice sorta popped into my head and I thought that maybe I could work with it. Originally, I set out to do a blog about "The American Dream" but I gave up on that idea when I listened to this song. I think it does a perfect job of portraying what someone in love deals with in the sense of trusting someone. When you love someone you give them your complete trust whether you want to or not. You can tell yourself you have walls up to protect you but as soon as they do something to betray your trust you will find that they are brought down to the floor.

Now I definitely have been betrayed and had my emotions backfire on me. It's a horrible thing and I'm sure everyone has gone through that at some point in their lives. All we can really do is be wary of who we put our faith in and trust only those that deserve it. I am not looking for love, but before I can even think about that I have to be able to give this person my full trust. I wouldn't want to find out a few months in that I've been giving 100 percent and they have only been giving 50. So we all have to be wary about trusting girls [or guys for some]. Just take your time and be patient. Put in work but don't make it a priority until it needs to be. IF you find that you're getting the short end of the deal, pull out. Don't waste time and effort that can be used elsewhere.