I've Killed Myself With Changes Trying to Make Things Better

I've been in this weird haze lately and I'm totally over it. So I was listening to some old songs that I used to dig back in high school and I came across one of my favorite Bright Eyes songs, "A Perfect Sonnet." So here it is:




Artist: Bright Eyes
Song: "A Perfect Sonnet"


Lyrics: "A Perfect Sonnet"

Lately I've been wishing I had one desire
Something that would make me never want another
Something that would make it so that nothing mattered
All would be clear then
But I guess I'll have to settle for a few brief moments
And watch it all dissolve into a single second
And try to write it down into a perfect sonnet
or one foolish line
'Cause that's all that you'll get so you'll have to accept
You are here then you're gone
But I believe that lovers should be tied together and
Thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
and left there to drown
Left there to drown in their innocence
But as for me I'm coming to the final chapter
I read all of the pages and there is still no answer
Only all that was before I know must soon come after
That is the only way it can be
So I stand in the sun
And I breathe with my lungs
Trying to spare me the weight of the truth
Saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror
And you've spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever
And now you are laying in a bathtub full of freezing water
Wishing you were a ghost
But once you knew a girl and you named her Lover
And danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer
But autumn came, She disappeared
You can't remember where she said she was going to
But you know that she's gone 'cause she left you a song
That you don't want to sing
We're singing I believe that lovers should be chained together
And thrown into a fire with their songs and letters
And left there to burn
Left there to burn in their arrogance
But as for me I'm coming to my final failure
I've killed myself with changes trying to make things better
But I ended up becoming something other than what I had planned to be
Now I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
And layed entwined together on a bed of clover
And left there to sleep
Left there to dream of their happiness


Like I was saying earlier it's hard to explain how I've been feeling lately other than that I'm stuck in a cloudy haze. I am lonely but I tell myself that it's nothing but then I yearn for something more than this boring self. I hate to admit it but I've become bitter to the world because of my loneliness. I try to be the loving person I used to be but I feel like I can't be because of the way I get upset at the thought of other people attaining happiness before me. That's why I can relate to this song so much. I don't want to be alone. I want to be happy but nothing seems to work. I've always been the friend that people can turn to when they have problems that they need to talk about but when it comes to me, I can't put the words together to describe whats wrong.

And like the song, I may be bitter, but in the end it's all a front. In the end I just want to be happy myself and I really just yearn for that feeling of love again.

I Wont Be A Wasted Soul, Another Ghost Like Everyone Else

So it's been a while since the last post. Not for any reason in particular, I just haven't really had anything important I wanted to share. I don't want to waste your time as well as mine with a blog that doesn't have much meaning. So anyway, I've been feeling very motivated lately and I started listening to Carpathian again. They always make me angry at life haha. So anyway, the song is "Cursed" by said band Carpathian. Here it is:



Artist: Carpathian
Song: "Cursed"

Lyrics:"Cursed"

The realisation that I still don't know what I'm doing here,
Put in perspective I am nothing,
It feels like something has been wasted, and I am fading
Time is growing against me as I grow tired of being
Just another soul spent searching for something inside,
I hate my fucking guts, I hate desire, I hate lust,
I hate humanity, I hate instinctively, I hate this fucking world for fucking hating me

The chasm in my chest
Screams of resounding emptiness
I've never tasted this bitterness
I never felt this solitude, worthlessness

So what great vision is this to sail amongst the vast indifference?
Accept a trail to hollow senses, where only tragedy breaks the numbness
So what great epiphany, will spell out beneath my feet?
Chain my wrists, and admit defeat, imprisoned by 'the clarity'
So is this destiny, a doubtful life, feeling empty?
Worst of all to make me guilty, blindest of the blind, telling me to see
I might hate this world, I might hate myself
But I wont be a wasted soul, another ghost like everyone else


From the start this song just pulls me in with relativity. I can't help but feel exactly what he's singing about in the first verse of the song. I always feel lost and stuck here in the desert. It feels like I will never accomplish anything here in the Coachella Valley. We always play ourselves up to be big and on top of the world, but really I'm just a lonely, bitter guy stuck in a dead-end job waiting for a big break rather than actually working at it. Then there is the "I hate my fucking guts, I hate desire, I hate lust" line that just blows me away. I feel the exact same way sometimes. It's true because I let desire and lust get the better of me more often than not. I hate that I'm always wanting something I can't have, in this case, a girlfriend. I'm close to a few girls but nothing will ever come of it. It never works out for me in the end. I mean, I've come to terms with that and I'm happy with what I have, I just wish I could have more.

But the point of this blog wasn't to rant about how unhappy I am, it was to talk about how motivated I've been. Lately I've felt so driven to do something with myself. I am ready to get through this slump I'm in and do something with myself. That's what I love so much about the last section of the song. It describes what I feel inside. One part of it is that I have been losing weight somehow. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not working out one bit, but I've been losing weight regardless. It's been doing a good job of restoring some of my self-confidence. It's sorta funny really. My mom was upset with me Christmas morning because a bunch of the clothes she bought me as gifts are too big now. I'm not gonna lie, it felt so good to have her acknowledge my weight loss. Granted it's not much, but I've been too big for too long. So anyway, back to business. I'm ready to start doing something with myself. The plan is to drop weight and hopefully join the Air Force. My cousin's husband and I had an awesome talk about his time spent in the Air Force and it re-ignited the spark in me. I want to do it. I want to get out of here and see the world. I want to do something worth talking about when I come home to visit. I want to make my parents proud for once.

Sick Of This Circle Of Death That We Dance Through

We've all been dealing with the problem probably since elementary school. There is always someone that doesn't like someone else. So that's what I'm going to talk about today. So when I was listening to Thrice last night before bed "Kill Me Quickly" and I thought it would be pretty appropriate for this blog.




Artist: Thrice
Song: "Kill Me Quickly"

Lyrics:"Kill Me Quickly"

Can we,
can we kill each other quickly?
Quick enough so I won't feel it?
A shot of strobe light anesthia
and I'll be fine

'Cause I'm beginning to feel cold
My hands are shaking from fear,
white from clutching my pride,
red from cutting you,
and blue from telling lies.

'Cause I'm sick of the stabbing,
I'm sick of the breaking,
I'm sick of the bleeding until we fall down,
sick of this circle of death that we dance through
again and again, just lay me in the ground.
Let's fall asleep together,
hold me darling 'cause I'm scared,
and I can't do this alone.

But I need!
your heartbeat
to haunt me,
your cold lips to breathe,
a promise that, tomorrow
we'll wake up somewhere new.

So a problem that we've all had especially in my circle of friends is that there is always someone that has a problem with someone else. It sucks. I hate that we have to watch who we bring around who. I just wish it wasn't as big of a deal as it is so that we could bring said people around each other and have it not be a problem. Like, they could just not interact with each other and still have fun you know? I mean, that's what I do if I'm ever the one that is put in that situation with people I don't like. But we don't do that because a lot of us are too considerate and don't want to people in that scenario. I know I sure don't like doing it. It just sucks because someone is always left out and it creates jealousy and unnecessary angst. I usually don't take sides in matters when it comes to a problem between two of my friends but I hate being put in that situation where I may have to. I just wish we could all be civil and not hold onto grudges.

So I don't care what the situation is. A forgiving heart is a blessed heart. Lets change things around here and go back to being friends.

You're Just Jealous Cause We're Young And In Love

I have some cousins over since we had a death in the family recently. I have this weird fascination with death and dying. I dwell on it a lot. I've even picked out what song I want played at my funeral. So that's what it is today, "Soco Ameretto Lime" by Brand New. I know... Another Brand New song, oh well.



Artist: Brand New
Song: "Soco Amaretto Lime"

Lyrics: "Soco Amaretto Lime"

Passed out on the overpass
Sunday best and broken glass
Broken down from the bikes and bars
Suspended like spirits over speeding cars
You and me were kings over the parkway tonight
And tonight will go on forever while we
walk around this town like we own the streets
and stay awake through summer like we own the heat
Singing "everybody wake up (wake up) it's time to get down"
(everybody, everybody wake up its time to get down)
And when I pass the bottle back to Pete
on the overpass tonight, I bet we laugh

I'm gonna stay eighteen forever (cut me open)
So we can stay like this forever (sun poisoned)
And we'll never miss a party (this offer...)
cause we keep them going constantly (...stands forever)
And we'll never have to listen (new haircut)
to anyone about anything (new bracelet)
cause it's all been done and it's all been said (eyeliner)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get

The hell out of this town
Find some conversation
The low fuel lights been on for days
It doesn't mean anything
I've got another 500, 'nother 500 miles
before we shut this engine down,
we shut it down

I'm gonna stay eighteen forever (cut me open)
So we can stay like this forever (sun poisoned)
And we'll never miss a party (this offer...)
cause we keep them going constantly (...stands forever)
And we'll never have to listen (new haircut)
to anyone about anything (new bracelet)
cause it's all been done and it's all been said (eyeliner)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get (wait forever)

(you're just jealous cause I'm young and in love)
Eighteen forever (first kisses)
(your stomach's filled up but you're starved for conversation)
So we can stay like this forever (new stitches)
(you're spending all your nights growing old in your bed)
And we'll never miss a party (collar weekend)
(and your tearin up your photos cause you wanna forget... it's over)
cause we keep them going constantly (appearance ticket)
(you're just jealous cause I'm young and in love)
And we'll never have to listen (November to...)
(your stomach's filled up but you're starved for conversation)
to anyone about anything cause it's all been done (...remember)
(you're spending all your nights growing old in your bed)
and it's all been said (nightswimmers)
(and your tearin up your photos cause you wanna forget... it's over)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get

Just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous... [turntable scratch]



Here's a little back story. Last year around May I was kicked out of my house for a couple reasons and my sister was just beginning to like Brand New at the time so she was listening to it in the car whenever she would be driving with my mom. My mom actually listens to the music that we listen to in the car rather than drown it out in her head and this song really stuck out to her. Over time she grew to hate it because it reminded her of me and she began to miss me more than she wanted to admit. The first time we rode in the car together after I left the house this song came on and she began crying uncontrollably. She then explained that it was this song that made her cry because it describes me and my friends perfectly and it made her miss me. She said it fit us perfectly because we're always doing something. Always going out of town and always doing things together. That we were in a constant state of partying and hanging out. Like we have no fears or worries about life. I must say, she was right.

So I find it fitting that this song be played at my funeral. This song will forever remind me of all my friends and people I've ever loved. Even people that aren't around. I'll always remember the fun times we've had and I want people at my funeral to be able to remember them as well when they hear this at my funeral.

So enjoy the time you have right now. Even when things are looking grim, just take a step back and take a look at who you have with you. They're the ones that are there for you now so try your best to be for them in the future. Keep the people you care about close and you'll never be alone.

Don't Let Yourself Down And Don't Let Yourself Go

Artist: Muse
Song: "Butterflies and Hurricanes"

Lyrics: "Butterflies And Hurricanes"

Change everything you are
And everything you were
Your number has been called

Fights and battles have begun
Revenge will surely come
Your hard times are ahead

Best, you've got to be the best
You've got to change the world
And use this chance to be heard
Your time is now

Change everything you are
And everything you were
Your number has been called

Fights and battles have begun
Revenge will surely come
Your hard times are ahead

Best, you've got to be the best
You've got to change the world
And use this chance to be heard
Your time is now

Don’t let yourself down
And don’t let yourself go
Your last chance has arrived

Best, you've got to be the best
You've got to change the world
And use this chance to be heard
Your time is now



I've made this decision to start trying to make the people around me happier. I'm tired of seeing people I care about bummed out. People used to come to me with their problems and I would always do a good job of listening and taking it in and reflecting positive out of it and helping them pick their heads' up, even if only a little. I feel like I've lost that side of me and I want it back.

What I love about this song is that the lyrics are so direct and straight-forward that you really don't need to think too much into it to feel motivated by it. Just reading them you know that this song is meant to inspire action in others. What makes this song ten times better is if you know and understand the band themselves, you can get a deeper meaning of the song. The band is very much into conspiracy theories and things of that sort. So if you take another look at the title, "Butterflies and Hurricanes" you might begin to realize that this is a reference to the Butterfly Effect which states that a butterfly on one side of the world can change the direction of a tornado or hurricane on the other side of the world with the flapping of its wings. Just the idea of something so small impacting something so large is crazy in itself, but when you think about it in regards to the song and it's lyrics, they're not asking for a small change. What he's asking for is for you to change everything about yourself. Imagine the power behind something like that.

So this is my personal declaration to do something about our situation. I'm going to try my best to do better by all my friends. Will you join me?

To The Top And Nothing's Going To Stop Us

So I couldn't find a cool video on Youtube for this song so I found this cool embeddable mp3 player service. So The song is "So Close/So Alive" by Just Surrender. If you know the song this blog might throw you off a little. It's not exactly what you think it is. Anyway, here we go.

Artist: Just Surrender
Song: "So Close/So Alive"


Lyrics: "So Close/ So Alive"

It looks like you need some company
Your face is wearing such misery
I'll stay right here if you, if you want me to
(I want you to)
And if our worlds collide
A smile I should provide
I'll turn your fantasies into something real
Cause, baby, get inside

To the top, and nothing's gonna stop us
No roots or chains there to hold us
Today will be the day we reach the sky
So long to things that just were made up
So close that you can almost taste it
Today will be the day we reach the sky

I like the way you look tonight
Your dress has drawn me to your eyes
I know that it's a stretch
Would you let me stay?
(I'll let you stay)
You got me in a trance
And if you take a chance
I'll make your memories into something more
Just open up your eyes

To the top, and nothing's gonna stop us
No roots or chains there to hold us
Today will be the day we reach the sky
So long to things that just were made up
So close that you can almost taste it
Today will be the day we reach the sky

You know that I will be next to you
When morning comes, I'll still be true to you
(You say you'll never leave)
And I won't, dear
(But how can I believe?)
Just trust me, please
(I can't explain how much I need you)
Don't say a word
Your body will speak for you
(You can be the reason I'm alive)
You're already everything I've got
(Hold me close; keep me on my toes)

To the top, and nothing's gonna stop us
No roots or chains there to hold us
Today will be the day we reach the sky
So long to things that just were made up
So close that you can almost taste it
Today will be the day we reach the sky

(Hold me close)
To the top, and nothing's gonna stop us
(Keep me on my toes)
No roots or chains there to hold us
Today will be the day we reach the sky
(Today will be the day we reach the sky)
(Hold me close)
So long to things that just were made up
(Keep me on my toes)
So close that you can almost taste it
(Today will be the day we reach the sky)
Today will be the day we reach the sky



Singing along with this song really brings me down. It makes me want to be able to have it be about me and my situation. Thats the thing though, I don't have a situation. This song reminds me of that early feeling when you're still falling in love... Where you're barely realizing it and it feels like nothing can ever go wrong. I miss that. I WANT that. I want to be able to sing this song with someone special. I love singing, and to have someone sing with me would make me so happy, but there's no one.

I guess what I've been feeling lately is loneliness but to a different extent. This isn't like the, "man how cool would it be to have a girlfriend again" type of loneliness. It's more along the lines of, "man, I feel so distant from everyone I was ever close to" kind of loneliness. I feel like I've been such a shitty friend lately. I'm not exactly sure why. But I feel like I'm losing touch with all the people I want to have close to me. I honestly don't know what happened. Maybe I got lost in heaven. By that I mean; maybe I lost myself trying to be something I wasn't. I went about this whole life changing thing the wrong way. Not that there is necessarily a right way, but I feel like since that, things have been looking up in some areas, but looking down in others. Sure I was a lot happier and I still kind of am, but I'm starting to see things differently. I'm starting to see other sides of people and I am starting to believe that I am the cause of it. It's like I forgot how to notice other people's feelings or something. Like I was so absorbed in myself that I couldn't notice that I was bothering others. Now I feel so far from everything and it's probably because I unknowingly pushed everything away. I feel like I've forgotten how to balance everything. I try to help out but end up causing more problems. I try to be there for something, but end up smothering. Try to patch things up, only to pull it apart even more...


I don't know what I'm doing right now. I am trying to find myself. All I can ask is that you stick with it and ride this out with me. I promise to try my best to get cool again. To be worth having around cause right now I feel like I'm not. And please if you ever need to talk about something, hit me up. Helping people helps me. Lets help eachother.

If You'd Be My Breath, Theres Nothing I Wouldn't Give

I just got back from a trip to Circle K not too long ago and walks at this time in the morning with this kind of weather can really get a guy thinking. Now, these weren't the best thoughts, but I'll wait to go into detail on that. The song is "Milestone" by Brand New. I swear every song has something to do with my life. Anyway...



Artist: Brand New
Song: "Millstone"


Lyrics:"Milestone"

I used to be such a burning example,
I used to be so original.
I used to care, I was being cared for.
Made sure I showed it to those that I love.

I used to sleep without a single stir,
'Cause I was about my father's work.

Well take me out tonight,
This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
A millstone around my neck,
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

I used to pray like God was listening.
I used to make my parents proud.
I was the glue that kept my friends together,
Now they don't talk and we don't go out.

I used to know the name of every person I'd kissed.
Now I've made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it.

Well take me out tonight,
This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
A millstone around my neck,
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

Throw me that lifeline,
This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
A millstone around my neck
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

"They never hit their brakes..."
"There was no time to see..."
"He just ran out in the street..."
"Does anybody know his name?"
"I think I recognize him..."
"He sure as hell paid for that mistake..."

Woah.

So take me out tonight.
This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
A millstone around my neck.
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

Well save my life tonight.
This ship of fools I'm on will sink
A millstone around my neck
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.


I really hate to be feeling down and out, but sometimes it just happens you know. Not everyone can be a super hero. Despite the mask I wear everyday I know I'm just a normal person on the inside. Shit happens. I just hate how I feel like I still don't have a handle on things. I'm in such a deep debt it's scary. Someone my age shouldn't have to deal with this. I feel like my the friend I owe thinks I'm such a flake. My mom definitely thinks so. She has such little faith in me it's sad. I really did used make my parents proud. And then I grew up into the person I am today. I need to get my life on track. From now on I'm not going to spend my money on shit. I'm going to do as little as possible to spend money. Sure I'll eat out maybe once a week. Maybe a movie once a week. But once I get my car fixed I'm going to pay off Michelle as soon as I can. No Christmas for me this year. Maybe I'll buy my sister a game or something. But I can't afford anything right now. I'm gonna fix this situation. I promise it.

And I hate feeling like this cause it reminds me of how alone I am. I wish I had someone that could help me out and just tell me things will get better. Someone to remind me not to spend my money on stupid things. Someone to just be there and remind me that no matter how much I mess up I'm still special and worth being around. I'm so ready for something real. I'm so ready for someone to be that lifeline cause it feels like I have a millstone hung from my neck and this ship of fools I'm on is sinking. I need someone to be my breath and rescue me. I'm ready for something real.