No Regrets, Just rebirth

Incandescent Reinvention

Artist: Thrice
Song: "Phoenix Ignition"

Lyrics:Like a phoenix ignition
like a crematorium
Like a swelling volition
from the barrel of a gun
From the ashes and the embers
like a rocket I'll ascend
Like a cry gone up for a fallen friend
Like a cry gone up for a fallen..

Like a phoenix ignition
like a crematorium
Like a swelling volition
from the barrel of a gun
From the ashes and the embers
like a rocket I'll ascend
Like a cry gone up for a fallen friend
I'LL ASCEND

Everyday tear down the walls
till cornerstones remain
Coming ONE STEP CLOSER ALL THE TIME
And although we'll never reach perfection ALWAYS PERSIST TO TRY

No regrets, just rebirth
move forward, and ignite.
Incandescent Reinvention
a new renaissance
A NEW FIRE EACH DAY
A NEW FIRE EACH DAY...DAY...DAY...DAY!




Lately I've been really down on myself. Hating myself for lack of motivation. Not aspiring to go anywhere. Rather than fight back and push forward I was just laying down and accepting defeat. Not anymore though.

I've noticed that no matter how bad I'm doing I can always count on Thrice to pick me up. If Brand New is my downer, Thrice is my upper. All day I have been listening to them and reminding myself why I like them so much. I contemplated writing a blog on another song but decided to wait to see if anything else would come up. Then this song came on and I knew instantly. It stuck me at the core. The lyrics burned into my head and convinced me of their truth. I need to reinvent myself. I've been so negative lately. Sometimes I wouldn't even try to put up a facade of happiness. I would just let the negativity take over. Not anymore however. Now I'm going to grow out of this hole and persevere. I am going to burn this current way of thinking and be reborn in it's ashes as a newer, happier self. I've always adored the Phoenix as a mythological being and it makes perfect sense to do this. All I needed was to hear this song.

Walking Through The Rain We'll See The Beauty In Life Again

I just want someone to share my life with.



Artist: Darkest Hour
Song: "With A Thousand Words To Say But One"


Lyrics:And to reflect is to regret throwing it all away and apathy my one way
Street it took so much from me separated by this divide I created
Through my fears and in your tears you tried to show blind eyes and
Tell deaf ears if we can make it through the landslide standing we'll
Lift each other up to see the bliss on the horizon been looking
In from the outside lately I've seen who I used to be and it's not me
And we can keep healing and we can keep holding on I just want to take
You where our time won't be waste anymore through the mountains on the
Water we'll stay engulfed in one another and when I can wake up to see the
Sunrise in your eyes and we'll finally be free I'll know I've made it home so lets go out west
And bask in the overcast and walking through the rain we'll see the
Beauty in life again


My biggest problem is that I've been reflecting way too much lately. I have been bringing up old memories that I found out I still have a hard time dealing with. It sucks that it's true, but fuck... It's true. Maybe it's just because I've been wanting someone to share my life with more than ever. I feel like I tend to tantalize myself with chances of potential connections but it never seems to work. So what happens is that I watch something or listen to something that reminds me of all the girls I've ever been close to and then it just feeds that fire of loneliness even more and I come crashing down on myself.

As I said in my previous entry, my greatest enemy is myself. I have very little self-esteem and tend to try to hide that as best as possible. I put up fronts to try to be someone people enjoy having around but I end up just hurting myself even more. But you see when there is a girl that is in my heart I push myself to do better. I push myself to be a better person. That's what I need. I don't need a girlfriend to go on dates with and cuddle with. I need a girl that will inspire me to be a better person. Give me a reason to live up to these standards I have set for myself. Become something she can be proud of. I know I can't do it on my own free will. I need that push.

It's Hard To Be The Better Man When You Forget You're Trying

I fucking hate myself




Artist: Brand New
Song: "Handcuffs"



Lyrics: "Handcuffs"

I’d arrest you if I had handcuffs
I’d arrest you if I had the time
I’d throw you down in the backseat
As if you'd committed a terrible crime

I'd break in a town's worth of houses
And rob whole families blind
I’d do it to you like you'd do it to me
If you knew you would get away fine

I’d drown all these crying babies
If I knew that their mothers wouldn’t cry
I’d hold them down and I’d squeeze real soft
And let a piece of myself die

It’s hard to be the better man
When you forget you’re trying
It’s hard to be the better man

I’d arrest you if I had handcuffs
I’d arrest you if I had the time
I’d wait for you outside the courtroom
and taunt you when all your appeals were declined

I’d drive my car off of a bridge
If I knew that you weren’t inside
With the pedal to the floor, who could ask for a more
fantastic way to kill some time

You could lay on your back and be beaten
You could put up your fists and fight
You could try and be way off

It’s hard to be the better man
When you forget you’re trying
It’s hard to be the better man
When you’re still lying

It’s hard to be the better man
When you forget you’re trying
It’s hard to be the better man
When you’re still lying
You’re still lying


I am my own worst enemy. I beat myself up and I bring myself down for no reason. It's like I won't let myself be happy. What the hell is wrong with me? There has to be some name for this. I constantly remind myself of how badly I've ruined anything that I've ever cared about. I constantly remind myself of how badly I've fucked my life up. Everything I watch is like a punch to the gut. Every song I listen to is like a kick across the mouth. I'm tired of trying to be this fucking carefree guy that has all the jokes. I am tired of lying to myself. FUCK! What the hell is wrong with me? I want to put my head through a wall. The truth is I'm so fucking fake. I'm the least honest person I know. I can't tell when I'm lying and when I'm telling the truth. I don't know what I believe about myself. I lie to myself about my feelings and try to convince myself that way but in the end it just leaves me empty and confused with no real answer. I want to find out how fast I stop when I hit a street post with my car. I want to find out how long I can hold my breath for under water till I finally give out.


How can I expect happiness when I can't get over any of my problems. Rather than work at them to make them better I just lay in my own shit and do nothing about it. Everything I do just ends up making things worse. I ruin people's lives by just being involved with theirs. Every day I lie to people I talk to. Every day I let my friends down without them even knowing it. Every day I make myself sick...




I hate how I feel like people will think I'm just looking for attention. I know I'm having a little pity party but I'm not looking for comfort. I'm not asking you to give me a hug. I don't really want to talk about it. I just needed to tell something or someone and I'll never be man enough to tell anyone face to face. That's the whole reason why I blog. I say things that I normally don't say. Even now though I hide the complete raw truth out of fear of it being known. I still hide my feelings. I still hide...

I've Killed Myself With Changes Trying to Make Things Better

I've been in this weird haze lately and I'm totally over it. So I was listening to some old songs that I used to dig back in high school and I came across one of my favorite Bright Eyes songs, "A Perfect Sonnet." So here it is:




Artist: Bright Eyes
Song: "A Perfect Sonnet"


Lyrics: "A Perfect Sonnet"

Lately I've been wishing I had one desire
Something that would make me never want another
Something that would make it so that nothing mattered
All would be clear then
But I guess I'll have to settle for a few brief moments
And watch it all dissolve into a single second
And try to write it down into a perfect sonnet
or one foolish line
'Cause that's all that you'll get so you'll have to accept
You are here then you're gone
But I believe that lovers should be tied together and
Thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
and left there to drown
Left there to drown in their innocence
But as for me I'm coming to the final chapter
I read all of the pages and there is still no answer
Only all that was before I know must soon come after
That is the only way it can be
So I stand in the sun
And I breathe with my lungs
Trying to spare me the weight of the truth
Saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror
And you've spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever
And now you are laying in a bathtub full of freezing water
Wishing you were a ghost
But once you knew a girl and you named her Lover
And danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer
But autumn came, She disappeared
You can't remember where she said she was going to
But you know that she's gone 'cause she left you a song
That you don't want to sing
We're singing I believe that lovers should be chained together
And thrown into a fire with their songs and letters
And left there to burn
Left there to burn in their arrogance
But as for me I'm coming to my final failure
I've killed myself with changes trying to make things better
But I ended up becoming something other than what I had planned to be
Now I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
And layed entwined together on a bed of clover
And left there to sleep
Left there to dream of their happiness


Like I was saying earlier it's hard to explain how I've been feeling lately other than that I'm stuck in a cloudy haze. I am lonely but I tell myself that it's nothing but then I yearn for something more than this boring self. I hate to admit it but I've become bitter to the world because of my loneliness. I try to be the loving person I used to be but I feel like I can't be because of the way I get upset at the thought of other people attaining happiness before me. That's why I can relate to this song so much. I don't want to be alone. I want to be happy but nothing seems to work. I've always been the friend that people can turn to when they have problems that they need to talk about but when it comes to me, I can't put the words together to describe whats wrong.

And like the song, I may be bitter, but in the end it's all a front. In the end I just want to be happy myself and I really just yearn for that feeling of love again.

I Wont Be A Wasted Soul, Another Ghost Like Everyone Else

So it's been a while since the last post. Not for any reason in particular, I just haven't really had anything important I wanted to share. I don't want to waste your time as well as mine with a blog that doesn't have much meaning. So anyway, I've been feeling very motivated lately and I started listening to Carpathian again. They always make me angry at life haha. So anyway, the song is "Cursed" by said band Carpathian. Here it is:



Artist: Carpathian
Song: "Cursed"

Lyrics:"Cursed"

The realisation that I still don't know what I'm doing here,
Put in perspective I am nothing,
It feels like something has been wasted, and I am fading
Time is growing against me as I grow tired of being
Just another soul spent searching for something inside,
I hate my fucking guts, I hate desire, I hate lust,
I hate humanity, I hate instinctively, I hate this fucking world for fucking hating me

The chasm in my chest
Screams of resounding emptiness
I've never tasted this bitterness
I never felt this solitude, worthlessness

So what great vision is this to sail amongst the vast indifference?
Accept a trail to hollow senses, where only tragedy breaks the numbness
So what great epiphany, will spell out beneath my feet?
Chain my wrists, and admit defeat, imprisoned by 'the clarity'
So is this destiny, a doubtful life, feeling empty?
Worst of all to make me guilty, blindest of the blind, telling me to see
I might hate this world, I might hate myself
But I wont be a wasted soul, another ghost like everyone else


From the start this song just pulls me in with relativity. I can't help but feel exactly what he's singing about in the first verse of the song. I always feel lost and stuck here in the desert. It feels like I will never accomplish anything here in the Coachella Valley. We always play ourselves up to be big and on top of the world, but really I'm just a lonely, bitter guy stuck in a dead-end job waiting for a big break rather than actually working at it. Then there is the "I hate my fucking guts, I hate desire, I hate lust" line that just blows me away. I feel the exact same way sometimes. It's true because I let desire and lust get the better of me more often than not. I hate that I'm always wanting something I can't have, in this case, a girlfriend. I'm close to a few girls but nothing will ever come of it. It never works out for me in the end. I mean, I've come to terms with that and I'm happy with what I have, I just wish I could have more.

But the point of this blog wasn't to rant about how unhappy I am, it was to talk about how motivated I've been. Lately I've felt so driven to do something with myself. I am ready to get through this slump I'm in and do something with myself. That's what I love so much about the last section of the song. It describes what I feel inside. One part of it is that I have been losing weight somehow. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not working out one bit, but I've been losing weight regardless. It's been doing a good job of restoring some of my self-confidence. It's sorta funny really. My mom was upset with me Christmas morning because a bunch of the clothes she bought me as gifts are too big now. I'm not gonna lie, it felt so good to have her acknowledge my weight loss. Granted it's not much, but I've been too big for too long. So anyway, back to business. I'm ready to start doing something with myself. The plan is to drop weight and hopefully join the Air Force. My cousin's husband and I had an awesome talk about his time spent in the Air Force and it re-ignited the spark in me. I want to do it. I want to get out of here and see the world. I want to do something worth talking about when I come home to visit. I want to make my parents proud for once.

Sick Of This Circle Of Death That We Dance Through

We've all been dealing with the problem probably since elementary school. There is always someone that doesn't like someone else. So that's what I'm going to talk about today. So when I was listening to Thrice last night before bed "Kill Me Quickly" and I thought it would be pretty appropriate for this blog.




Artist: Thrice
Song: "Kill Me Quickly"

Lyrics:"Kill Me Quickly"

Can we,
can we kill each other quickly?
Quick enough so I won't feel it?
A shot of strobe light anesthia
and I'll be fine

'Cause I'm beginning to feel cold
My hands are shaking from fear,
white from clutching my pride,
red from cutting you,
and blue from telling lies.

'Cause I'm sick of the stabbing,
I'm sick of the breaking,
I'm sick of the bleeding until we fall down,
sick of this circle of death that we dance through
again and again, just lay me in the ground.
Let's fall asleep together,
hold me darling 'cause I'm scared,
and I can't do this alone.

But I need!
your heartbeat
to haunt me,
your cold lips to breathe,
a promise that, tomorrow
we'll wake up somewhere new.

So a problem that we've all had especially in my circle of friends is that there is always someone that has a problem with someone else. It sucks. I hate that we have to watch who we bring around who. I just wish it wasn't as big of a deal as it is so that we could bring said people around each other and have it not be a problem. Like, they could just not interact with each other and still have fun you know? I mean, that's what I do if I'm ever the one that is put in that situation with people I don't like. But we don't do that because a lot of us are too considerate and don't want to people in that scenario. I know I sure don't like doing it. It just sucks because someone is always left out and it creates jealousy and unnecessary angst. I usually don't take sides in matters when it comes to a problem between two of my friends but I hate being put in that situation where I may have to. I just wish we could all be civil and not hold onto grudges.

So I don't care what the situation is. A forgiving heart is a blessed heart. Lets change things around here and go back to being friends.

You're Just Jealous Cause We're Young And In Love

I have some cousins over since we had a death in the family recently. I have this weird fascination with death and dying. I dwell on it a lot. I've even picked out what song I want played at my funeral. So that's what it is today, "Soco Ameretto Lime" by Brand New. I know... Another Brand New song, oh well.



Artist: Brand New
Song: "Soco Amaretto Lime"

Lyrics: "Soco Amaretto Lime"

Passed out on the overpass
Sunday best and broken glass
Broken down from the bikes and bars
Suspended like spirits over speeding cars
You and me were kings over the parkway tonight
And tonight will go on forever while we
walk around this town like we own the streets
and stay awake through summer like we own the heat
Singing "everybody wake up (wake up) it's time to get down"
(everybody, everybody wake up its time to get down)
And when I pass the bottle back to Pete
on the overpass tonight, I bet we laugh

I'm gonna stay eighteen forever (cut me open)
So we can stay like this forever (sun poisoned)
And we'll never miss a party (this offer...)
cause we keep them going constantly (...stands forever)
And we'll never have to listen (new haircut)
to anyone about anything (new bracelet)
cause it's all been done and it's all been said (eyeliner)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get

The hell out of this town
Find some conversation
The low fuel lights been on for days
It doesn't mean anything
I've got another 500, 'nother 500 miles
before we shut this engine down,
we shut it down

I'm gonna stay eighteen forever (cut me open)
So we can stay like this forever (sun poisoned)
And we'll never miss a party (this offer...)
cause we keep them going constantly (...stands forever)
And we'll never have to listen (new haircut)
to anyone about anything (new bracelet)
cause it's all been done and it's all been said (eyeliner)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get (wait forever)

(you're just jealous cause I'm young and in love)
Eighteen forever (first kisses)
(your stomach's filled up but you're starved for conversation)
So we can stay like this forever (new stitches)
(you're spending all your nights growing old in your bed)
And we'll never miss a party (collar weekend)
(and your tearin up your photos cause you wanna forget... it's over)
cause we keep them going constantly (appearance ticket)
(you're just jealous cause I'm young and in love)
And we'll never have to listen (November to...)
(your stomach's filled up but you're starved for conversation)
to anyone about anything cause it's all been done (...remember)
(you're spending all your nights growing old in your bed)
and it's all been said (nightswimmers)
(and your tearin up your photos cause you wanna forget... it's over)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get

Just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous cause we're young and in love
You're just jealous... [turntable scratch]



Here's a little back story. Last year around May I was kicked out of my house for a couple reasons and my sister was just beginning to like Brand New at the time so she was listening to it in the car whenever she would be driving with my mom. My mom actually listens to the music that we listen to in the car rather than drown it out in her head and this song really stuck out to her. Over time she grew to hate it because it reminded her of me and she began to miss me more than she wanted to admit. The first time we rode in the car together after I left the house this song came on and she began crying uncontrollably. She then explained that it was this song that made her cry because it describes me and my friends perfectly and it made her miss me. She said it fit us perfectly because we're always doing something. Always going out of town and always doing things together. That we were in a constant state of partying and hanging out. Like we have no fears or worries about life. I must say, she was right.

So I find it fitting that this song be played at my funeral. This song will forever remind me of all my friends and people I've ever loved. Even people that aren't around. I'll always remember the fun times we've had and I want people at my funeral to be able to remember them as well when they hear this at my funeral.

So enjoy the time you have right now. Even when things are looking grim, just take a step back and take a look at who you have with you. They're the ones that are there for you now so try your best to be for them in the future. Keep the people you care about close and you'll never be alone.