So just a heads up I will be recording a podcast for the blog from now on. Please take a listen and comment with any feedback you may have. Thanks for listening in guys
Artist: Hit The Lights Song: Until We Get Caught
Lyrics:
"Until We Get Caught" This is not the end This is just the beginning And don't you know everything we want Is within our reach at fingertips length We fought nonstop to make these nights our own Now no one can take them away
Hands in the air (hands in the air) No one make a sound (no one make a sound) While you're in despair, we'll have our ears to the ground Listening for the pulse that just might drive these hearts tonight And I know we won't make it out alive
We could have had it all Our backs against the wall Our eyes blindfolded tight Living what they call life [x2]
(We could) We could have had it all (Our backs) Our backs against the wall (Our eyes) Our eyes blindfolded tight
Hands in the air (hands in the air) No one make a sound (no one make a sound) While you're in despair, we'll have our ears to the ground Listening for the pulse that just might drive these hearts tonight And I know we won't make it out alive
We won't make it out alive When you burn down these bridges And you build up these walls And you've torn out these pages And there's nothing left at all And when that day comes And we're all still here Will you be waiting? Will you be waiting?
Hands in the air (hands in the air) No one make a sound (no one make a sound) While you're in despair, we'll have our ears to the ground Listening for the pulse that just might drive these hearts tonight And I know we won't make it out alive And I know we won't make it out alive
true friends stab you in the front keep you from getting what you want when one more fix could kill you they help you realize that
you're more and less than you first had believed you've so much to give and there's so much you need shortcuts through graveyards and a brand new way to breathe three thousand miles just to learn,
all that's gold does not all shine... and helping words aren't always kind, when one more kiss could kill you, they help you realize that
you're more and less than you first had believed you've so much to give and there's so much you need shortcuts through graveyards and a brand new way to breathe three thousand miles just to learn.
how to let my guard down accept the fire has spread among us. and if you're feeling all right, you've got to play it again, you've got to play it again.
Now I know I'm not in the best of places in my life to be giving advice, but that doesn't mean I am going to sit by and let someone's life go downhill. I try to help my friends in anyway possible. Even if it means crossing certain lines and speaking out of place. Now, I don't do the whole. "I'm going to yell at you until you until you get your act together/bad cop" thing well like my buddy Adrian does. I'm not like that, but sometimes it comes off that way even if I don't mean to. I just want to try to help but because it's such a touchy subject I sometimes come off sounding condescending when I really don't intend to. I just want to be able to have at least tried to help. Even if I accomplish nothing it's better than not trying. I mean, I care about all my friends. Some more than I should, but that won't stop me from trying to help them out with something as serious as school or work or relationships. I'm going to help my friends out as much as possible and nobody can stop me from doing so.
Like a phoenix ignition like a crematorium Like a swelling volition from the barrel of a gun From the ashes and the embers like a rocket I'll ascend Like a cry gone up for a fallen friend Like a cry gone up for a fallen..
Like a phoenix ignition like a crematorium Like a swelling volition from the barrel of a gun From the ashes and the embers like a rocket I'll ascend Like a cry gone up for a fallen friend I'LL ASCEND
Everyday tear down the walls till cornerstones remain Coming ONE STEP CLOSER ALL THE TIME And although we'll never reach perfection ALWAYS PERSIST TO TRY
No regrets, just rebirth move forward, and ignite. Incandescent Reinvention a new renaissance A NEW FIRE EACH DAY A NEW FIRE EACH DAY...DAY...DAY...DAY!
Lately I've been really down on myself. Hating myself for lack of motivation. Not aspiring to go anywhere. Rather than fight back and push forward I was just laying down and accepting defeat. Not anymore though.
I've noticed that no matter how bad I'm doing I can always count on Thrice to pick me up. If Brand New is my downer, Thrice is my upper. All day I have been listening to them and reminding myself why I like them so much. I contemplated writing a blog on another song but decided to wait to see if anything else would come up. Then this song came on and I knew instantly. It stuck me at the core. The lyrics burned into my head and convinced me of their truth. I need to reinvent myself. I've been so negative lately. Sometimes I wouldn't even try to put up a facade of happiness. I would just let the negativity take over. Not anymore however. Now I'm going to grow out of this hole and persevere. I am going to burn this current way of thinking and be reborn in it's ashes as a newer, happier self. I've always adored the Phoenix as a mythological being and it makes perfect sense to do this. All I needed was to hear this song.
Artist: Darkest Hour Song: "With A Thousand Words To Say But One"
Lyrics:
And to reflect is to regret throwing it all away and apathy my one way Street it took so much from me separated by this divide I created Through my fears and in your tears you tried to show blind eyes and Tell deaf ears if we can make it through the landslide standing we'll Lift each other up to see the bliss on the horizon been looking In from the outside lately I've seen who I used to be and it's not me And we can keep healing and we can keep holding on I just want to take You where our time won't be waste anymore through the mountains on the Water we'll stay engulfed in one another and when I can wake up to see the Sunrise in your eyes and we'll finally be free I'll know I've made it home so lets go out west And bask in the overcast and walking through the rain we'll see the Beauty in life again
My biggest problem is that I've been reflecting way too much lately. I have been bringing up old memories that I found out I still have a hard time dealing with. It sucks that it's true, but fuck... It's true. Maybe it's just because I've been wanting someone to share my life with more than ever. I feel like I tend to tantalize myself with chances of potential connections but it never seems to work. So what happens is that I watch something or listen to something that reminds me of all the girls I've ever been close to and then it just feeds that fire of loneliness even more and I come crashing down on myself.
As I said in my previous entry, my greatest enemy is myself. I have very little self-esteem and tend to try to hide that as best as possible. I put up fronts to try to be someone people enjoy having around but I end up just hurting myself even more. But you see when there is a girl that is in my heart I push myself to do better. I push myself to be a better person. That's what I need. I don't need a girlfriend to go on dates with and cuddle with. I need a girl that will inspire me to be a better person. Give me a reason to live up to these standards I have set for myself. Become something she can be proud of. I know I can't do it on my own free will. I need that push.
I’d arrest you if I had handcuffs I’d arrest you if I had the time I’d throw you down in the backseat As if you'd committed a terrible crime
I'd break in a town's worth of houses And rob whole families blind I’d do it to you like you'd do it to me If you knew you would get away fine
I’d drown all these crying babies If I knew that their mothers wouldn’t cry I’d hold them down and I’d squeeze real soft And let a piece of myself die
It’s hard to be the better man When you forget you’re trying It’s hard to be the better man
I’d arrest you if I had handcuffs I’d arrest you if I had the time I’d wait for you outside the courtroom and taunt you when all your appeals were declined
I’d drive my car off of a bridge If I knew that you weren’t inside With the pedal to the floor, who could ask for a more fantastic way to kill some time
You could lay on your back and be beaten You could put up your fists and fight You could try and be way off
It’s hard to be the better man When you forget you’re trying It’s hard to be the better man When you’re still lying
It’s hard to be the better man When you forget you’re trying It’s hard to be the better man When you’re still lying You’re still lying
I am my own worst enemy. I beat myself up and I bring myself down for no reason. It's like I won't let myself be happy. What the hell is wrong with me? There has to be some name for this. I constantly remind myself of how badly I've ruined anything that I've ever cared about. I constantly remind myself of how badly I've fucked my life up. Everything I watch is like a punch to the gut. Every song I listen to is like a kick across the mouth. I'm tired of trying to be this fucking carefree guy that has all the jokes. I am tired of lying to myself. FUCK! What the hell is wrong with me? I want to put my head through a wall. The truth is I'm so fucking fake. I'm the least honest person I know. I can't tell when I'm lying and when I'm telling the truth. I don't know what I believe about myself. I lie to myself about my feelings and try to convince myself that way but in the end it just leaves me empty and confused with no real answer. I want to find out how fast I stop when I hit a street post with my car. I want to find out how long I can hold my breath for under water till I finally give out.
How can I expect happiness when I can't get over any of my problems. Rather than work at them to make them better I just lay in my own shit and do nothing about it. Everything I do just ends up making things worse. I ruin people's lives by just being involved with theirs. Every day I lie to people I talk to. Every day I let my friends down without them even knowing it. Every day I make myself sick...
I hate how I feel like people will think I'm just looking for attention. I know I'm having a little pity party but I'm not looking for comfort. I'm not asking you to give me a hug. I don't really want to talk about it. I just needed to tell something or someone and I'll never be man enough to tell anyone face to face. That's the whole reason why I blog. I say things that I normally don't say. Even now though I hide the complete raw truth out of fear of it being known. I still hide my feelings. I still hide...
I've been in this weird haze lately and I'm totally over it. So I was listening to some old songs that I used to dig back in high school and I came across one of my favorite Bright Eyes songs, "A Perfect Sonnet." So here it is:
Artist: Bright Eyes Song: "A Perfect Sonnet"
Lyrics:
"A Perfect Sonnet"
Lately I've been wishing I had one desire Something that would make me never want another Something that would make it so that nothing mattered All would be clear then But I guess I'll have to settle for a few brief moments And watch it all dissolve into a single second And try to write it down into a perfect sonnet or one foolish line 'Cause that's all that you'll get so you'll have to accept You are here then you're gone But I believe that lovers should be tied together and Thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather and left there to drown Left there to drown in their innocence But as for me I'm coming to the final chapter I read all of the pages and there is still no answer Only all that was before I know must soon come after That is the only way it can be So I stand in the sun And I breathe with my lungs Trying to spare me the weight of the truth Saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror And you've spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever And now you are laying in a bathtub full of freezing water Wishing you were a ghost But once you knew a girl and you named her Lover And danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer But autumn came, She disappeared You can't remember where she said she was going to But you know that she's gone 'cause she left you a song That you don't want to sing We're singing I believe that lovers should be chained together And thrown into a fire with their songs and letters And left there to burn Left there to burn in their arrogance But as for me I'm coming to my final failure I've killed myself with changes trying to make things better But I ended up becoming something other than what I had planned to be Now I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers And layed entwined together on a bed of clover And left there to sleep Left there to dream of their happiness
Like I was saying earlier it's hard to explain how I've been feeling lately other than that I'm stuck in a cloudy haze. I am lonely but I tell myself that it's nothing but then I yearn for something more than this boring self. I hate to admit it but I've become bitter to the world because of my loneliness. I try to be the loving person I used to be but I feel like I can't be because of the way I get upset at the thought of other people attaining happiness before me. That's why I can relate to this song so much. I don't want to be alone. I want to be happy but nothing seems to work. I've always been the friend that people can turn to when they have problems that they need to talk about but when it comes to me, I can't put the words together to describe whats wrong.
And like the song, I may be bitter, but in the end it's all a front. In the end I just want to be happy myself and I really just yearn for that feeling of love again.
So it's been a while since the last post. Not for any reason in particular, I just haven't really had anything important I wanted to share. I don't want to waste your time as well as mine with a blog that doesn't have much meaning. So anyway, I've been feeling very motivated lately and I started listening to Carpathian again. They always make me angry at life haha. So anyway, the song is "Cursed" by said band Carpathian. Here it is:
Artist: Carpathian Song: "Cursed"
Lyrics:
"Cursed"
The realisation that I still don't know what I'm doing here, Put in perspective I am nothing, It feels like something has been wasted, and I am fading Time is growing against me as I grow tired of being Just another soul spent searching for something inside, I hate my fucking guts, I hate desire, I hate lust, I hate humanity, I hate instinctively, I hate this fucking world for fucking hating me
The chasm in my chest Screams of resounding emptiness I've never tasted this bitterness I never felt this solitude, worthlessness
So what great vision is this to sail amongst the vast indifference? Accept a trail to hollow senses, where only tragedy breaks the numbness So what great epiphany, will spell out beneath my feet? Chain my wrists, and admit defeat, imprisoned by 'the clarity' So is this destiny, a doubtful life, feeling empty? Worst of all to make me guilty, blindest of the blind, telling me to see I might hate this world, I might hate myself But I wont be a wasted soul, another ghost like everyone else
From the start this song just pulls me in with relativity. I can't help but feel exactly what he's singing about in the first verse of the song. I always feel lost and stuck here in the desert. It feels like I will never accomplish anything here in the Coachella Valley. We always play ourselves up to be big and on top of the world, but really I'm just a lonely, bitter guy stuck in a dead-end job waiting for a big break rather than actually working at it. Then there is the "I hate my fucking guts, I hate desire, I hate lust" line that just blows me away. I feel the exact same way sometimes. It's true because I let desire and lust get the better of me more often than not. I hate that I'm always wanting something I can't have, in this case, a girlfriend. I'm close to a few girls but nothing will ever come of it. It never works out for me in the end. I mean, I've come to terms with that and I'm happy with what I have, I just wish I could have more.
But the point of this blog wasn't to rant about how unhappy I am, it was to talk about how motivated I've been. Lately I've felt so driven to do something with myself. I am ready to get through this slump I'm in and do something with myself. That's what I love so much about the last section of the song. It describes what I feel inside. One part of it is that I have been losing weight somehow. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not working out one bit, but I've been losing weight regardless. It's been doing a good job of restoring some of my self-confidence. It's sorta funny really. My mom was upset with me Christmas morning because a bunch of the clothes she bought me as gifts are too big now. I'm not gonna lie, it felt so good to have her acknowledge my weight loss. Granted it's not much, but I've been too big for too long. So anyway, back to business. I'm ready to start doing something with myself. The plan is to drop weight and hopefully join the Air Force. My cousin's husband and I had an awesome talk about his time spent in the Air Force and it re-ignited the spark in me. I want to do it. I want to get out of here and see the world. I want to do something worth talking about when I come home to visit. I want to make my parents proud for once.
