If You'd Be My Breath, Theres Nothing I Wouldn't Give

I just got back from a trip to Circle K not too long ago and walks at this time in the morning with this kind of weather can really get a guy thinking. Now, these weren't the best thoughts, but I'll wait to go into detail on that. The song is "Milestone" by Brand New. I swear every song has something to do with my life. Anyway...



Artist: Brand New
Song: "Millstone"


Lyrics:"Milestone"

I used to be such a burning example,
I used to be so original.
I used to care, I was being cared for.
Made sure I showed it to those that I love.

I used to sleep without a single stir,
'Cause I was about my father's work.

Well take me out tonight,
This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
A millstone around my neck,
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

I used to pray like God was listening.
I used to make my parents proud.
I was the glue that kept my friends together,
Now they don't talk and we don't go out.

I used to know the name of every person I'd kissed.
Now I've made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it.

Well take me out tonight,
This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
A millstone around my neck,
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

Throw me that lifeline,
This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
A millstone around my neck
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

"They never hit their brakes..."
"There was no time to see..."
"He just ran out in the street..."
"Does anybody know his name?"
"I think I recognize him..."
"He sure as hell paid for that mistake..."

Woah.

So take me out tonight.
This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
A millstone around my neck.
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

Well save my life tonight.
This ship of fools I'm on will sink
A millstone around my neck
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.


I really hate to be feeling down and out, but sometimes it just happens you know. Not everyone can be a super hero. Despite the mask I wear everyday I know I'm just a normal person on the inside. Shit happens. I just hate how I feel like I still don't have a handle on things. I'm in such a deep debt it's scary. Someone my age shouldn't have to deal with this. I feel like my the friend I owe thinks I'm such a flake. My mom definitely thinks so. She has such little faith in me it's sad. I really did used make my parents proud. And then I grew up into the person I am today. I need to get my life on track. From now on I'm not going to spend my money on shit. I'm going to do as little as possible to spend money. Sure I'll eat out maybe once a week. Maybe a movie once a week. But once I get my car fixed I'm going to pay off Michelle as soon as I can. No Christmas for me this year. Maybe I'll buy my sister a game or something. But I can't afford anything right now. I'm gonna fix this situation. I promise it.

And I hate feeling like this cause it reminds me of how alone I am. I wish I had someone that could help me out and just tell me things will get better. Someone to remind me not to spend my money on stupid things. Someone to just be there and remind me that no matter how much I mess up I'm still special and worth being around. I'm so ready for something real. I'm so ready for someone to be that lifeline cause it feels like I have a millstone hung from my neck and this ship of fools I'm on is sinking. I need someone to be my breath and rescue me. I'm ready for something real.

Yeah You Know That The You Could Save My Life

So I know it's sorta been a while but I don't have life epiphanies every day. So lately I've been thinking a lot on the subject of love, but I'm not in love so it was hard to relate to anything, what I did come across today though was that before you could love, you have to be able to trust. So the song for today is appropriately "Trust" by Thrice. Now all I could find was their live performance but it's a good one. So here you go, listen to the song, read the lyrics.



Artist: Thrice
Song: "Trust"


Lyrics: "Trust"

mix the chemicals right dear, mix the chemicals right
yeah the margin of error is slight
mix the chemicals right dear
mix the chemicals right
yeah you know that you could
save my life

there is a risk, there's a risk when your dealing with love
you could snap my neck
any speed you drive can be dangerous

mix the chemicals right dear, mix the chemicals right
yeah you know there's a fine line between
mix the chemicals right dear, mix the chemicals right
cause i know what betrayal can mean

when this frame fails me
will i trust you to carry me through?
i know there's no such thing as safety
but i know what a promise can do.
will i trust you, will i trust you to carry me through?
i will trust you, cause i know what a promise can do



So as I mentioned earlier I've been thinking a lot about love. For no particular reason really. See, I've always kinda considered myself the hopeless romantic type that feeds off of cheesy romance and passion. But I came to a horrible realization; I'm not in love! So I found it hard to relate to any of the songs I was listening to. All they brought back was nostalgia at best. So out of left field, "Trust" from Thrice sorta popped into my head and I thought that maybe I could work with it. Originally, I set out to do a blog about "The American Dream" but I gave up on that idea when I listened to this song. I think it does a perfect job of portraying what someone in love deals with in the sense of trusting someone. When you love someone you give them your complete trust whether you want to or not. You can tell yourself you have walls up to protect you but as soon as they do something to betray your trust you will find that they are brought down to the floor.

Now I definitely have been betrayed and had my emotions backfire on me. It's a horrible thing and I'm sure everyone has gone through that at some point in their lives. All we can really do is be wary of who we put our faith in and trust only those that deserve it. I am not looking for love, but before I can even think about that I have to be able to give this person my full trust. I wouldn't want to find out a few months in that I've been giving 100 percent and they have only been giving 50. So we all have to be wary about trusting girls [or guys for some]. Just take your time and be patient. Put in work but don't make it a priority until it needs to be. IF you find that you're getting the short end of the deal, pull out. Don't waste time and effort that can be used elsewhere.

I Should Feel Alone, But I'm Alive

You know, so many times I've told myself that if I rid myself of this desert I would rid myself out of my problems. Out of sight and out of mind right? Yeah, well fuck that. I came across my Grave Maker CD and popped it in and when "Comfort in Concrete" came on, I had an epiphany. So before I dive headfirst into this, lets get the details out of the way. This song is "Comfort in Concrete" by Grave Maker if you haven't figured it out yet.



Artist: Gravemaker
Song: "Comfort in Concrete"


Lyrics: "Comfort in Concrete"

here I lay wide awake, listening to this city's life
Something here calms me, and it comforts me to know
That every step I will ever take leads me to another home
I know one day I will speak of a time
When nights shined brighter than days
This is the path that leads me to
the closest thing I call a home
To a home with more than belongings
that are bought and sold
Each moonlight drive a radio sings a lullaby
These nights where all is settled inside
I should feel alone, but I'm alive
I'm alive, looking at the sky
Knowing some life wait for me miles away
But I will wait
I am just a tourist, just a visitor to these cityscapes
To these scattered lights I find comfort within
I hope this carries on for a thousand more nights
A thousands more nights
Let's carry on


Like I was saying earlier I would always tell myself that I needed to get out of here. That I was being held back by the quicksand here. I swore that happiness was miles and miles away, but I am so wrong it's scary. I didn't need somewhere new, everything I need to be happy is right here. I was just running away from my problems and looking for an easy way out rather than deal with it. Desperation and depression are best friends and that's what I was clinging to. I thought I needed out but in reality I just needed to check myself for being a coward.

After the last two posts I've been thinking a lot clearer. I've got my head back on my shoulders. I opened my eyes to the world and now I see that I don't need to go searching for happiness in life; it's right in front of me. My friends are everything to me and without them I believe I would have finished it a long time ago. As long as I have them here I'm set. We've shared so many memories in this collection of our desert cities I would never replace it. I feel ashamed that I would even consider it.

When I sing along to this song, it's like the words empower me and give me the clarity that I need at the time. When I get to the line, "But I'm alive" I get so excited because when I sing/yell it it's like im making a decleration of the new me. I'm over being bitter and angry.

So re-evaluate yourself and your life and maybe you'll see that happiness is right in front of you. You just have to stop looking behind you. And know that I will always be here if you need me.

Carved Across My Chest, Loyalty

In the breaking hours of of the day today I received a call from my buddy Andre. Dispite everything that happened to us in our past we are still able to push that aside and continue our friendship after all these years. So after a close to three hour conversation I was inspired to write this blog. The subject of friendships has been lingering in the back of my head for quite some time now and through Andre, I was able to come to the realization that I needed to in order to put this blog out there. So I bring you "At The End of August" by 36 Crazy Fists. All I could find was this live video and this was the best one at that. It's pretty good though since it does a good job of portraying their intensity.




Artist: 36 Crazy Fists
Song: "At The End of August"

Lyrics: "At The End Of August"

Crawling from the floor
I been there before
There I was staring back at the bottom
And let's make this clear
It came from these tears
Carved across our chests
Loyalty...

And with the new light there was young hope
To underline the meaning
And carve our names in

At the end of August
The end of
At the end of August
The end of

I'll never replace the ones I first made
Jesus, does anyone?

So I lit lanterns to
Light up all these words
Looking back I know it's what I'd die for
And through all this life
Smashed away all the strife
A friendship I paint
Untouchable

And with the new light there was young hope
To underline the meaning
And carve our names in

At the end of August
The end of
At the end of August
The end of

I'll never replace the ones I first made
Jesus, does anyone?

Crawling from the floor
I been there before
And let's make this clear
Loyalty

And I want you to know
How all of you made me
How all of you saved me
And I'll never replace
The ones I first made
Jesus, does anyone?

At the end of August
The end of
At the end of August
The end of

I'll never replace the ones I first made
Jesus, does anyone?

Crawling from the floor
I been there before
There I was staring back at the bottom

And let's make this clear
It came from these tears
Carved across our chests
Loyalty

Loyalty, loyal


Now the thing that has been floating around my head is how no matter what happens, I don't think I could ever hate someone to the point where if they needed help I wouldn't be there for them. Now all of us have had our civil disputes with some friends at some point in our lives. Even the best of friends fall apart and don't talk for days and even years. For me though, I don't think I'll ever be able to just write them off completely. If I was driving down the road and saw someone that I really don't like broken down and helpless, I don't think I could just let them be. If I saw Esai getting beat up, I would probably jump in and help him. When I wasn't friends with Carlos for that time period, I always told myself I wouldn't fight him and if he got into some trouble I would help him despite what happened between us.

So even if you and your friend(s) have some beef, don't be afraid to let them back in. Squash it and get on with your lives. If you've ever had a close connection with anyone I find it hard to just throw that away forever. I can't imagine it. I think that once you've let someone in that deep, you'll always have that connection to save your friendship later in life.