I Would Sleep Forever, If There's Peace In Death

Ever come across one of those songs that states exactly what you've been feeling lately. That's exactly what this song has been for me this past week. It's only a minute and a half long but I've probably replayed this song eight times in one day. Probably more. Just driving to work and back I can probably listen to it three times on the five-minute drive. It's by the band Trapped Under Ice and the song itself is called "See God." Here is a video featuring the song and I'll post the lyrics underneath.





Artist: Trapped Under Ice
Song: "See God"


Lyrics: "See God"

Never brought mommy smiles
this feeling that i'm feeling i've been feeling for
a while
it's hard to admit but i got to get it off my chest
i would sleep
forever if there's peace in death

and if you see god
tell him that i'm
still alive
gave up on all those prayers because they couldn't provide
the
answer to the questions ive been asking since birth
been searching for the
truth for years
i can't find peace on this earth

you won't find peace on
this earth


Every thing about these lyrics explain how I'm feeling lately. Even the whole, "Never brought my mommy smiles" part. I was thinking that part over this week trying to convince myself that those words weren't necessarily true in my life. That my mother and I have always had a pretty good relationship. That was of course until she sent me a message reminding me of how worthless I am. That's when I realized that, yup, those words totally fit me.

The rest is pretty self-explanatory. I've been dealing with my depression since middle school. Sure I had some good times in high school, but even with all my distractions it snuck up on my from time to time. I was doing well for a while. Pauline was always a big help with that. Not that she did anything necessarily, just that I was able to feel special when I was with her or my friends. Now that there's nobody there in that spot, it's become a lot harder to deal with it. I hang out with my friends to get my mind off things but that doesn't always work. And in all honesty, if I were to get shot, or stabbed right now, I would embrace death. Mark says that I'm fucked up in the head for not caring about continuing my life and living it out to the fullest, I just don't always see the point I guess. The truth is, I just want to go to heaven already. I've nearly lost all connection to my faith. The only thing I can still believe in is that in the end, God will take mercy on me and accept me into his Kingdom. That's why when I first heard the line, "And if you see God, tell him that I'm still alive. Gave up on all the prayers because they couldn't provide the answers to the questions I've been asking since birth" I was taken aback by it. Not necessarily out of shock or disbelief that someone would actually say that, but that I caught myself accepting and believing it to be true about myself. I've known where I stood with my faith and I knew that even though I didn't attend church on a regular basis, that I was still in His favor, but it's been harder to believe that lately.