Walking Through The Rain We'll See The Beauty In Life Again

I just want someone to share my life with.



Artist: Darkest Hour
Song: "With A Thousand Words To Say But One"


Lyrics:And to reflect is to regret throwing it all away and apathy my one way
Street it took so much from me separated by this divide I created
Through my fears and in your tears you tried to show blind eyes and
Tell deaf ears if we can make it through the landslide standing we'll
Lift each other up to see the bliss on the horizon been looking
In from the outside lately I've seen who I used to be and it's not me
And we can keep healing and we can keep holding on I just want to take
You where our time won't be waste anymore through the mountains on the
Water we'll stay engulfed in one another and when I can wake up to see the
Sunrise in your eyes and we'll finally be free I'll know I've made it home so lets go out west
And bask in the overcast and walking through the rain we'll see the
Beauty in life again


My biggest problem is that I've been reflecting way too much lately. I have been bringing up old memories that I found out I still have a hard time dealing with. It sucks that it's true, but fuck... It's true. Maybe it's just because I've been wanting someone to share my life with more than ever. I feel like I tend to tantalize myself with chances of potential connections but it never seems to work. So what happens is that I watch something or listen to something that reminds me of all the girls I've ever been close to and then it just feeds that fire of loneliness even more and I come crashing down on myself.

As I said in my previous entry, my greatest enemy is myself. I have very little self-esteem and tend to try to hide that as best as possible. I put up fronts to try to be someone people enjoy having around but I end up just hurting myself even more. But you see when there is a girl that is in my heart I push myself to do better. I push myself to be a better person. That's what I need. I don't need a girlfriend to go on dates with and cuddle with. I need a girl that will inspire me to be a better person. Give me a reason to live up to these standards I have set for myself. Become something she can be proud of. I know I can't do it on my own free will. I need that push.

It's Hard To Be The Better Man When You Forget You're Trying

I fucking hate myself




Artist: Brand New
Song: "Handcuffs"



Lyrics: "Handcuffs"

I’d arrest you if I had handcuffs
I’d arrest you if I had the time
I’d throw you down in the backseat
As if you'd committed a terrible crime

I'd break in a town's worth of houses
And rob whole families blind
I’d do it to you like you'd do it to me
If you knew you would get away fine

I’d drown all these crying babies
If I knew that their mothers wouldn’t cry
I’d hold them down and I’d squeeze real soft
And let a piece of myself die

It’s hard to be the better man
When you forget you’re trying
It’s hard to be the better man

I’d arrest you if I had handcuffs
I’d arrest you if I had the time
I’d wait for you outside the courtroom
and taunt you when all your appeals were declined

I’d drive my car off of a bridge
If I knew that you weren’t inside
With the pedal to the floor, who could ask for a more
fantastic way to kill some time

You could lay on your back and be beaten
You could put up your fists and fight
You could try and be way off

It’s hard to be the better man
When you forget you’re trying
It’s hard to be the better man
When you’re still lying

It’s hard to be the better man
When you forget you’re trying
It’s hard to be the better man
When you’re still lying
You’re still lying


I am my own worst enemy. I beat myself up and I bring myself down for no reason. It's like I won't let myself be happy. What the hell is wrong with me? There has to be some name for this. I constantly remind myself of how badly I've ruined anything that I've ever cared about. I constantly remind myself of how badly I've fucked my life up. Everything I watch is like a punch to the gut. Every song I listen to is like a kick across the mouth. I'm tired of trying to be this fucking carefree guy that has all the jokes. I am tired of lying to myself. FUCK! What the hell is wrong with me? I want to put my head through a wall. The truth is I'm so fucking fake. I'm the least honest person I know. I can't tell when I'm lying and when I'm telling the truth. I don't know what I believe about myself. I lie to myself about my feelings and try to convince myself that way but in the end it just leaves me empty and confused with no real answer. I want to find out how fast I stop when I hit a street post with my car. I want to find out how long I can hold my breath for under water till I finally give out.


How can I expect happiness when I can't get over any of my problems. Rather than work at them to make them better I just lay in my own shit and do nothing about it. Everything I do just ends up making things worse. I ruin people's lives by just being involved with theirs. Every day I lie to people I talk to. Every day I let my friends down without them even knowing it. Every day I make myself sick...




I hate how I feel like people will think I'm just looking for attention. I know I'm having a little pity party but I'm not looking for comfort. I'm not asking you to give me a hug. I don't really want to talk about it. I just needed to tell something or someone and I'll never be man enough to tell anyone face to face. That's the whole reason why I blog. I say things that I normally don't say. Even now though I hide the complete raw truth out of fear of it being known. I still hide my feelings. I still hide...