I Wanna See Movies Of My Dreams

I've been doing a lot of soul searching since I was laid off from work a month and a half ago. I find myself at such an odd cross roads of life yet ago. It feels like 2007(8) all over again. The weirdest part to me though is that I can't decide how I feel. Before, if I was happy I was happy and that's it. If I was sad I was sad and it lasted a while. Lately my emotions have just been one giant roller coaster ride. I'll be extremely happy and then I find myself withdrawn from everything around me and thinking things that just bring me down. Things like being broke or being alone.

I guess that feeling of being alone is what haunts me the most. All my friends have grown and evolved and aren't the same people they were when we first started hanging out and sometimes it makes me feel so out of place. It's not their fault. It's not something they purposefully do. I just feel like either I haven't grown, which I know isn't the truth at all, or I've just grown apart from the path that they are growing on. I'm just scared that I'm reverting back to my old mentalities out of fear of feeling like I don't belong. But that's just it. I just don't fucking belong here. Whenever we are all having fun, drinking, or whatever, I pull myself away because its not what I truly want to be doing. I just do it because thats what they want to do and I just go along with it because I know they won't want to do whatever it is that I want. But truthfully, I don't even know what it is I want to be doing so its not like I really can offer any other suggestions. I'm finding myself in these situations where I am telling myself that I don't belong. That whatever we are doing just isn't me and that I am truly not enjoying myself and I convince myself I don't want to be there. I sabotage my own fun time and time again.

I guess a good example is tonight at the beach we were all hanging out and the idea to run into the water (well past midnight) came up and we all bounce around the notion that someone or other wasn't down to do it. We walked around and eventually came back and found two of our friends out in the water in just their boxers. Immediately Mark, Laken, Analise, Edgar, and I went to join them. We only took our shoes off and got our feet wet, but that was enough for us at the time. Edgar teased Laken that she wasn't as down as Damian cause he was out there in just boxers and she isn't down to do the same. She turned it back on him saying that she didn't see him doing it either and laughed it off. A few minutes later Edgar runs past us in the water in just his underwear and rushes out to meet the waves. That lit a fire in us and we went further into the water, not worrying about getting wet anymore. It was like a scene out of a movie or something. Kind of like in Garden State where Largeman climbs up on the tractor and yells and Natalie Portman's character and the other guy feel inspired and they climb up and join him and do the same. Well anyway, it was beautiful. What sucks though is that as soon as we were done feeling great, it seemed like life went on without me. I watched the girls wander off to find the boys and Edgar and Mark snapped back k to reality and realized they didn't like being cold and wet and sandy and began to hike back to the boardwalk. I was just kind of there but almost as if I wasn't. Like, all that could have happened without me and I was just a ghost observing in other peoples lives and fun. That's how I feel. Like a ghost that floats around the lives of my friends and watches them live, all the while I can't seem to find what I need to come back to life. fuck.

Baby Don't Worry Cause Now I've Got Your Back

One of the things that I have to remind myself of is that I'm not a super hero. It's not my duty to save the world. I can't save or be there for everyone. But more importantly than that, it's not my duty to be there or save everyone from their plights. I always try to go out of my way to help people that I feel need someone to pick them up in their time of need. Maybe it's something serious, maybe it's not. I've always wanted to be the one that they could say helped them through their tough time. I realize though, that not everyone needs help, and it's not up to me to decide whether or not they do. I recently came across a situation where someone that is dear to me is going through a tough time and as much as I'd like to help, I can't. Not unless that person asks for help. It kills me to think that they're hurting through this time but forcing myself into the situation to try to help might only make things worse. When I thought about this, I realized that it's a problem I have. I always try to help, even when I shouldn't. It was an odd thing to think about, but sometimes people need to go through hard times on their own to grow as an individual. Sometimes people need to resist help in order to learn that they just might actually need help. What I've learned though, is that it's not up to me that they learn whatever life lessons they need to learn. If they ask my help, I'll be there, but in the mean time all I can do is be compassionate for them and be available for them if they need assistance, even if it's just sitting with them and waiting for it to pass.