I hate to admit it but peoples' perception of me is a lot more important to me than I let on. I always tell myself that I'm who I am and if people don't like it well then its their problem. But the truth of he matter is that I do want people to like me - to perceive me the way I want them to perceive me. Looking back on who I used to be and who I am today, they're two complete opposite people. Six years ago I thought I had reached the pinnacle of being a selfless, giving, person. Now that I've had time to mature and reflect on that, I realize that it wasn't who I am, and although that is how many people saw me, the people that mattered most got someone different. What bothers me is that they'll remember my good side, but the side of me that was selfish is what certain people will remember me as and that kills me. There was one person who I should have given everything to and I gave them close to nothing. I hate the fact that it is that aspect of who I was that is the most prevalent memory of me. I just want to be a good person and do what's right. I don't want o look back on the person I used to be and be ashamed of it. I need to be more true to myself and not let someone change who I am.
Lyrics:
"Oh, Hello"
Didn't I know you, mystery man? Strange as all new thoughts on impotence.
All I want are windows It wouldn't be the first time.
Didn't I, didn't I know you? Didn't I, didn't I know you, didn't I know you? All along, all we've been given is the ugliest tidings. All along, we've been a mess. Now quick dilation is the only chance we have left.
A stranger's just someone that you've forgotten. How will we know if we've met before or done this dance, Mystery man?
Didn't I, didn't I know you? Didn't I, didn't I know you, didn't I know you? All along, all we've been given is the ugliest tidings. All along, we've been a mess. Now quick dilation is the only chance we have left.
So I've sort of taken a sabbatical as of late and well, now I'm back. No podcast or anything this time around. Going back to just the song and lyrics for now. Anyway, here we go:
Artist: Pink Floyd
Song: "Time"
Lyrics:
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain And you are young and life is long and there is time to kill today And then one day you find ten years have got behind you No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun
And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking Racing around to come up behind you again The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older Shorter of breath and one day closer to death
Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say
BREATHE REPRISE Home, home again I like to be here when I can And when I come home cold and tired It’s good to warm my bones beside the fire Far away across the field The tolling of the iron bell Calls the faithful to their knees To hear the softly spoken magic spells.
So with the passing of my grandmother, I've been thinking a lot about my own inevitable death. It's something that I ponder quite often actually. So here I was today just listening to Pink Floyd, jamming out. I initially put them on for the sake of listening to "Money" off the same album. So when "Time" came on, I got hit hard with how heavy this song is. Mortality is fresh on the mind and the lyrics are just so fitting with what's been going on in my head lately.
Just like I feel like I've taken those that I've lost for granted, I'm also reminded that I take those still around for granted, and just as importantly, I take myself for granted. I don't realize how much time I waste just doing nothing when I can be doing so much more. Whether it be sitting on the couch watching Glee with my girlfriend, getting together with my friends and watching some UFC fights, or just hanging out with my family arguing over nothing at dinner I am reminded by this song that I need to appreciate those moments more. It's the little things that are important. So I'm going to do my best to make the most of life, especially the little things. I hope you do the same.
On a side note, I've decided to add this song to my funeral playlist. I know it sounds weird but I have this playlist of songs I want played at my funeral. So far, this is what I've got:
"Soco Ameretto Lime" by Brand New
"Welcome To Bangkok" by Brand New
"Body in a Box" by City and Colour
"Time" by Pink Floyd
There have been others but I've never taken the time to write them down so some songs have been lost. I'm going to continue adding to the list throughout the years. So when I do finally go, someone please compile this playlist and burn it onto a cd or whatever and distribute it to everyone that's attending.
Birds flying high you know how I feel Sun in the sky you know how I feel Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel
It's a new dawn It's a new day It's a new life For me And I'm feeling good
Fish in the sea you know how I feel River running free you know how I feel blossom in the trees you know how I feel
It's a new dawn It's a new day It's a new life For me And I'm feeling good
Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean Sleep in peace when day is done And this old world is a new world And a bold world For me
Stars when you shine you know how I feel Scent of the pine you know how I feel Oh freedom is mine And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn It's a new day It's a new life For me And I'm feeling good
So just a heads up I will be recording a podcast for the blog from now on. Please take a listen and comment with any feedback you may have. Thanks for listening in guys
Artist: Hit The Lights Song: Until We Get Caught
Lyrics:
"Until We Get Caught" This is not the end This is just the beginning And don't you know everything we want Is within our reach at fingertips length We fought nonstop to make these nights our own Now no one can take them away
Hands in the air (hands in the air) No one make a sound (no one make a sound) While you're in despair, we'll have our ears to the ground Listening for the pulse that just might drive these hearts tonight And I know we won't make it out alive
We could have had it all Our backs against the wall Our eyes blindfolded tight Living what they call life [x2]
(We could) We could have had it all (Our backs) Our backs against the wall (Our eyes) Our eyes blindfolded tight
Hands in the air (hands in the air) No one make a sound (no one make a sound) While you're in despair, we'll have our ears to the ground Listening for the pulse that just might drive these hearts tonight And I know we won't make it out alive
We won't make it out alive When you burn down these bridges And you build up these walls And you've torn out these pages And there's nothing left at all And when that day comes And we're all still here Will you be waiting? Will you be waiting?
Hands in the air (hands in the air) No one make a sound (no one make a sound) While you're in despair, we'll have our ears to the ground Listening for the pulse that just might drive these hearts tonight And I know we won't make it out alive And I know we won't make it out alive
true friends stab you in the front keep you from getting what you want when one more fix could kill you they help you realize that
you're more and less than you first had believed you've so much to give and there's so much you need shortcuts through graveyards and a brand new way to breathe three thousand miles just to learn,
all that's gold does not all shine... and helping words aren't always kind, when one more kiss could kill you, they help you realize that
you're more and less than you first had believed you've so much to give and there's so much you need shortcuts through graveyards and a brand new way to breathe three thousand miles just to learn.
how to let my guard down accept the fire has spread among us. and if you're feeling all right, you've got to play it again, you've got to play it again.
Now I know I'm not in the best of places in my life to be giving advice, but that doesn't mean I am going to sit by and let someone's life go downhill. I try to help my friends in anyway possible. Even if it means crossing certain lines and speaking out of place. Now, I don't do the whole. "I'm going to yell at you until you until you get your act together/bad cop" thing well like my buddy Adrian does. I'm not like that, but sometimes it comes off that way even if I don't mean to. I just want to try to help but because it's such a touchy subject I sometimes come off sounding condescending when I really don't intend to. I just want to be able to have at least tried to help. Even if I accomplish nothing it's better than not trying. I mean, I care about all my friends. Some more than I should, but that won't stop me from trying to help them out with something as serious as school or work or relationships. I'm going to help my friends out as much as possible and nobody can stop me from doing so.
Like a phoenix ignition like a crematorium Like a swelling volition from the barrel of a gun From the ashes and the embers like a rocket I'll ascend Like a cry gone up for a fallen friend Like a cry gone up for a fallen..
Like a phoenix ignition like a crematorium Like a swelling volition from the barrel of a gun From the ashes and the embers like a rocket I'll ascend Like a cry gone up for a fallen friend I'LL ASCEND
Everyday tear down the walls till cornerstones remain Coming ONE STEP CLOSER ALL THE TIME And although we'll never reach perfection ALWAYS PERSIST TO TRY
No regrets, just rebirth move forward, and ignite. Incandescent Reinvention a new renaissance A NEW FIRE EACH DAY A NEW FIRE EACH DAY...DAY...DAY...DAY!
Lately I've been really down on myself. Hating myself for lack of motivation. Not aspiring to go anywhere. Rather than fight back and push forward I was just laying down and accepting defeat. Not anymore though.
I've noticed that no matter how bad I'm doing I can always count on Thrice to pick me up. If Brand New is my downer, Thrice is my upper. All day I have been listening to them and reminding myself why I like them so much. I contemplated writing a blog on another song but decided to wait to see if anything else would come up. Then this song came on and I knew instantly. It stuck me at the core. The lyrics burned into my head and convinced me of their truth. I need to reinvent myself. I've been so negative lately. Sometimes I wouldn't even try to put up a facade of happiness. I would just let the negativity take over. Not anymore however. Now I'm going to grow out of this hole and persevere. I am going to burn this current way of thinking and be reborn in it's ashes as a newer, happier self. I've always adored the Phoenix as a mythological being and it makes perfect sense to do this. All I needed was to hear this song.
Artist: Darkest Hour Song: "With A Thousand Words To Say But One"
Lyrics:
And to reflect is to regret throwing it all away and apathy my one way Street it took so much from me separated by this divide I created Through my fears and in your tears you tried to show blind eyes and Tell deaf ears if we can make it through the landslide standing we'll Lift each other up to see the bliss on the horizon been looking In from the outside lately I've seen who I used to be and it's not me And we can keep healing and we can keep holding on I just want to take You where our time won't be waste anymore through the mountains on the Water we'll stay engulfed in one another and when I can wake up to see the Sunrise in your eyes and we'll finally be free I'll know I've made it home so lets go out west And bask in the overcast and walking through the rain we'll see the Beauty in life again
My biggest problem is that I've been reflecting way too much lately. I have been bringing up old memories that I found out I still have a hard time dealing with. It sucks that it's true, but fuck... It's true. Maybe it's just because I've been wanting someone to share my life with more than ever. I feel like I tend to tantalize myself with chances of potential connections but it never seems to work. So what happens is that I watch something or listen to something that reminds me of all the girls I've ever been close to and then it just feeds that fire of loneliness even more and I come crashing down on myself.
As I said in my previous entry, my greatest enemy is myself. I have very little self-esteem and tend to try to hide that as best as possible. I put up fronts to try to be someone people enjoy having around but I end up just hurting myself even more. But you see when there is a girl that is in my heart I push myself to do better. I push myself to be a better person. That's what I need. I don't need a girlfriend to go on dates with and cuddle with. I need a girl that will inspire me to be a better person. Give me a reason to live up to these standards I have set for myself. Become something she can be proud of. I know I can't do it on my own free will. I need that push.
