Don't Let Yourself Down And Don't Let Yourself Go

Artist: Muse
Song: "Butterflies and Hurricanes"

Lyrics: "Butterflies And Hurricanes"

Change everything you are
And everything you were
Your number has been called

Fights and battles have begun
Revenge will surely come
Your hard times are ahead

Best, you've got to be the best
You've got to change the world
And use this chance to be heard
Your time is now

Change everything you are
And everything you were
Your number has been called

Fights and battles have begun
Revenge will surely come
Your hard times are ahead

Best, you've got to be the best
You've got to change the world
And use this chance to be heard
Your time is now

Don’t let yourself down
And don’t let yourself go
Your last chance has arrived

Best, you've got to be the best
You've got to change the world
And use this chance to be heard
Your time is now



I've made this decision to start trying to make the people around me happier. I'm tired of seeing people I care about bummed out. People used to come to me with their problems and I would always do a good job of listening and taking it in and reflecting positive out of it and helping them pick their heads' up, even if only a little. I feel like I've lost that side of me and I want it back.

What I love about this song is that the lyrics are so direct and straight-forward that you really don't need to think too much into it to feel motivated by it. Just reading them you know that this song is meant to inspire action in others. What makes this song ten times better is if you know and understand the band themselves, you can get a deeper meaning of the song. The band is very much into conspiracy theories and things of that sort. So if you take another look at the title, "Butterflies and Hurricanes" you might begin to realize that this is a reference to the Butterfly Effect which states that a butterfly on one side of the world can change the direction of a tornado or hurricane on the other side of the world with the flapping of its wings. Just the idea of something so small impacting something so large is crazy in itself, but when you think about it in regards to the song and it's lyrics, they're not asking for a small change. What he's asking for is for you to change everything about yourself. Imagine the power behind something like that.

So this is my personal declaration to do something about our situation. I'm going to try my best to do better by all my friends. Will you join me?

To The Top And Nothing's Going To Stop Us

So I couldn't find a cool video on Youtube for this song so I found this cool embeddable mp3 player service. So The song is "So Close/So Alive" by Just Surrender. If you know the song this blog might throw you off a little. It's not exactly what you think it is. Anyway, here we go.

Artist: Just Surrender
Song: "So Close/So Alive"


Lyrics: "So Close/ So Alive"

It looks like you need some company
Your face is wearing such misery
I'll stay right here if you, if you want me to
(I want you to)
And if our worlds collide
A smile I should provide
I'll turn your fantasies into something real
Cause, baby, get inside

To the top, and nothing's gonna stop us
No roots or chains there to hold us
Today will be the day we reach the sky
So long to things that just were made up
So close that you can almost taste it
Today will be the day we reach the sky

I like the way you look tonight
Your dress has drawn me to your eyes
I know that it's a stretch
Would you let me stay?
(I'll let you stay)
You got me in a trance
And if you take a chance
I'll make your memories into something more
Just open up your eyes

To the top, and nothing's gonna stop us
No roots or chains there to hold us
Today will be the day we reach the sky
So long to things that just were made up
So close that you can almost taste it
Today will be the day we reach the sky

You know that I will be next to you
When morning comes, I'll still be true to you
(You say you'll never leave)
And I won't, dear
(But how can I believe?)
Just trust me, please
(I can't explain how much I need you)
Don't say a word
Your body will speak for you
(You can be the reason I'm alive)
You're already everything I've got
(Hold me close; keep me on my toes)

To the top, and nothing's gonna stop us
No roots or chains there to hold us
Today will be the day we reach the sky
So long to things that just were made up
So close that you can almost taste it
Today will be the day we reach the sky

(Hold me close)
To the top, and nothing's gonna stop us
(Keep me on my toes)
No roots or chains there to hold us
Today will be the day we reach the sky
(Today will be the day we reach the sky)
(Hold me close)
So long to things that just were made up
(Keep me on my toes)
So close that you can almost taste it
(Today will be the day we reach the sky)
Today will be the day we reach the sky



Singing along with this song really brings me down. It makes me want to be able to have it be about me and my situation. Thats the thing though, I don't have a situation. This song reminds me of that early feeling when you're still falling in love... Where you're barely realizing it and it feels like nothing can ever go wrong. I miss that. I WANT that. I want to be able to sing this song with someone special. I love singing, and to have someone sing with me would make me so happy, but there's no one.

I guess what I've been feeling lately is loneliness but to a different extent. This isn't like the, "man how cool would it be to have a girlfriend again" type of loneliness. It's more along the lines of, "man, I feel so distant from everyone I was ever close to" kind of loneliness. I feel like I've been such a shitty friend lately. I'm not exactly sure why. But I feel like I'm losing touch with all the people I want to have close to me. I honestly don't know what happened. Maybe I got lost in heaven. By that I mean; maybe I lost myself trying to be something I wasn't. I went about this whole life changing thing the wrong way. Not that there is necessarily a right way, but I feel like since that, things have been looking up in some areas, but looking down in others. Sure I was a lot happier and I still kind of am, but I'm starting to see things differently. I'm starting to see other sides of people and I am starting to believe that I am the cause of it. It's like I forgot how to notice other people's feelings or something. Like I was so absorbed in myself that I couldn't notice that I was bothering others. Now I feel so far from everything and it's probably because I unknowingly pushed everything away. I feel like I've forgotten how to balance everything. I try to help out but end up causing more problems. I try to be there for something, but end up smothering. Try to patch things up, only to pull it apart even more...


I don't know what I'm doing right now. I am trying to find myself. All I can ask is that you stick with it and ride this out with me. I promise to try my best to get cool again. To be worth having around cause right now I feel like I'm not. And please if you ever need to talk about something, hit me up. Helping people helps me. Lets help eachother.

If You'd Be My Breath, Theres Nothing I Wouldn't Give

I just got back from a trip to Circle K not too long ago and walks at this time in the morning with this kind of weather can really get a guy thinking. Now, these weren't the best thoughts, but I'll wait to go into detail on that. The song is "Milestone" by Brand New. I swear every song has something to do with my life. Anyway...



Artist: Brand New
Song: "Millstone"


Lyrics:"Milestone"

I used to be such a burning example,
I used to be so original.
I used to care, I was being cared for.
Made sure I showed it to those that I love.

I used to sleep without a single stir,
'Cause I was about my father's work.

Well take me out tonight,
This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
A millstone around my neck,
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

I used to pray like God was listening.
I used to make my parents proud.
I was the glue that kept my friends together,
Now they don't talk and we don't go out.

I used to know the name of every person I'd kissed.
Now I've made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it.

Well take me out tonight,
This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
A millstone around my neck,
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

Throw me that lifeline,
This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
A millstone around my neck
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

"They never hit their brakes..."
"There was no time to see..."
"He just ran out in the street..."
"Does anybody know his name?"
"I think I recognize him..."
"He sure as hell paid for that mistake..."

Woah.

So take me out tonight.
This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
A millstone around my neck.
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

Well save my life tonight.
This ship of fools I'm on will sink
A millstone around my neck
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.


I really hate to be feeling down and out, but sometimes it just happens you know. Not everyone can be a super hero. Despite the mask I wear everyday I know I'm just a normal person on the inside. Shit happens. I just hate how I feel like I still don't have a handle on things. I'm in such a deep debt it's scary. Someone my age shouldn't have to deal with this. I feel like my the friend I owe thinks I'm such a flake. My mom definitely thinks so. She has such little faith in me it's sad. I really did used make my parents proud. And then I grew up into the person I am today. I need to get my life on track. From now on I'm not going to spend my money on shit. I'm going to do as little as possible to spend money. Sure I'll eat out maybe once a week. Maybe a movie once a week. But once I get my car fixed I'm going to pay off Michelle as soon as I can. No Christmas for me this year. Maybe I'll buy my sister a game or something. But I can't afford anything right now. I'm gonna fix this situation. I promise it.

And I hate feeling like this cause it reminds me of how alone I am. I wish I had someone that could help me out and just tell me things will get better. Someone to remind me not to spend my money on stupid things. Someone to just be there and remind me that no matter how much I mess up I'm still special and worth being around. I'm so ready for something real. I'm so ready for someone to be that lifeline cause it feels like I have a millstone hung from my neck and this ship of fools I'm on is sinking. I need someone to be my breath and rescue me. I'm ready for something real.

Yeah You Know That The You Could Save My Life

So I know it's sorta been a while but I don't have life epiphanies every day. So lately I've been thinking a lot on the subject of love, but I'm not in love so it was hard to relate to anything, what I did come across today though was that before you could love, you have to be able to trust. So the song for today is appropriately "Trust" by Thrice. Now all I could find was their live performance but it's a good one. So here you go, listen to the song, read the lyrics.



Artist: Thrice
Song: "Trust"


Lyrics: "Trust"

mix the chemicals right dear, mix the chemicals right
yeah the margin of error is slight
mix the chemicals right dear
mix the chemicals right
yeah you know that you could
save my life

there is a risk, there's a risk when your dealing with love
you could snap my neck
any speed you drive can be dangerous

mix the chemicals right dear, mix the chemicals right
yeah you know there's a fine line between
mix the chemicals right dear, mix the chemicals right
cause i know what betrayal can mean

when this frame fails me
will i trust you to carry me through?
i know there's no such thing as safety
but i know what a promise can do.
will i trust you, will i trust you to carry me through?
i will trust you, cause i know what a promise can do



So as I mentioned earlier I've been thinking a lot about love. For no particular reason really. See, I've always kinda considered myself the hopeless romantic type that feeds off of cheesy romance and passion. But I came to a horrible realization; I'm not in love! So I found it hard to relate to any of the songs I was listening to. All they brought back was nostalgia at best. So out of left field, "Trust" from Thrice sorta popped into my head and I thought that maybe I could work with it. Originally, I set out to do a blog about "The American Dream" but I gave up on that idea when I listened to this song. I think it does a perfect job of portraying what someone in love deals with in the sense of trusting someone. When you love someone you give them your complete trust whether you want to or not. You can tell yourself you have walls up to protect you but as soon as they do something to betray your trust you will find that they are brought down to the floor.

Now I definitely have been betrayed and had my emotions backfire on me. It's a horrible thing and I'm sure everyone has gone through that at some point in their lives. All we can really do is be wary of who we put our faith in and trust only those that deserve it. I am not looking for love, but before I can even think about that I have to be able to give this person my full trust. I wouldn't want to find out a few months in that I've been giving 100 percent and they have only been giving 50. So we all have to be wary about trusting girls [or guys for some]. Just take your time and be patient. Put in work but don't make it a priority until it needs to be. IF you find that you're getting the short end of the deal, pull out. Don't waste time and effort that can be used elsewhere.

I Should Feel Alone, But I'm Alive

You know, so many times I've told myself that if I rid myself of this desert I would rid myself out of my problems. Out of sight and out of mind right? Yeah, well fuck that. I came across my Grave Maker CD and popped it in and when "Comfort in Concrete" came on, I had an epiphany. So before I dive headfirst into this, lets get the details out of the way. This song is "Comfort in Concrete" by Grave Maker if you haven't figured it out yet.



Artist: Gravemaker
Song: "Comfort in Concrete"


Lyrics: "Comfort in Concrete"

here I lay wide awake, listening to this city's life
Something here calms me, and it comforts me to know
That every step I will ever take leads me to another home
I know one day I will speak of a time
When nights shined brighter than days
This is the path that leads me to
the closest thing I call a home
To a home with more than belongings
that are bought and sold
Each moonlight drive a radio sings a lullaby
These nights where all is settled inside
I should feel alone, but I'm alive
I'm alive, looking at the sky
Knowing some life wait for me miles away
But I will wait
I am just a tourist, just a visitor to these cityscapes
To these scattered lights I find comfort within
I hope this carries on for a thousand more nights
A thousands more nights
Let's carry on


Like I was saying earlier I would always tell myself that I needed to get out of here. That I was being held back by the quicksand here. I swore that happiness was miles and miles away, but I am so wrong it's scary. I didn't need somewhere new, everything I need to be happy is right here. I was just running away from my problems and looking for an easy way out rather than deal with it. Desperation and depression are best friends and that's what I was clinging to. I thought I needed out but in reality I just needed to check myself for being a coward.

After the last two posts I've been thinking a lot clearer. I've got my head back on my shoulders. I opened my eyes to the world and now I see that I don't need to go searching for happiness in life; it's right in front of me. My friends are everything to me and without them I believe I would have finished it a long time ago. As long as I have them here I'm set. We've shared so many memories in this collection of our desert cities I would never replace it. I feel ashamed that I would even consider it.

When I sing along to this song, it's like the words empower me and give me the clarity that I need at the time. When I get to the line, "But I'm alive" I get so excited because when I sing/yell it it's like im making a decleration of the new me. I'm over being bitter and angry.

So re-evaluate yourself and your life and maybe you'll see that happiness is right in front of you. You just have to stop looking behind you. And know that I will always be here if you need me.

Carved Across My Chest, Loyalty

In the breaking hours of of the day today I received a call from my buddy Andre. Dispite everything that happened to us in our past we are still able to push that aside and continue our friendship after all these years. So after a close to three hour conversation I was inspired to write this blog. The subject of friendships has been lingering in the back of my head for quite some time now and through Andre, I was able to come to the realization that I needed to in order to put this blog out there. So I bring you "At The End of August" by 36 Crazy Fists. All I could find was this live video and this was the best one at that. It's pretty good though since it does a good job of portraying their intensity.




Artist: 36 Crazy Fists
Song: "At The End of August"

Lyrics: "At The End Of August"

Crawling from the floor
I been there before
There I was staring back at the bottom
And let's make this clear
It came from these tears
Carved across our chests
Loyalty...

And with the new light there was young hope
To underline the meaning
And carve our names in

At the end of August
The end of
At the end of August
The end of

I'll never replace the ones I first made
Jesus, does anyone?

So I lit lanterns to
Light up all these words
Looking back I know it's what I'd die for
And through all this life
Smashed away all the strife
A friendship I paint
Untouchable

And with the new light there was young hope
To underline the meaning
And carve our names in

At the end of August
The end of
At the end of August
The end of

I'll never replace the ones I first made
Jesus, does anyone?

Crawling from the floor
I been there before
And let's make this clear
Loyalty

And I want you to know
How all of you made me
How all of you saved me
And I'll never replace
The ones I first made
Jesus, does anyone?

At the end of August
The end of
At the end of August
The end of

I'll never replace the ones I first made
Jesus, does anyone?

Crawling from the floor
I been there before
There I was staring back at the bottom

And let's make this clear
It came from these tears
Carved across our chests
Loyalty

Loyalty, loyal


Now the thing that has been floating around my head is how no matter what happens, I don't think I could ever hate someone to the point where if they needed help I wouldn't be there for them. Now all of us have had our civil disputes with some friends at some point in our lives. Even the best of friends fall apart and don't talk for days and even years. For me though, I don't think I'll ever be able to just write them off completely. If I was driving down the road and saw someone that I really don't like broken down and helpless, I don't think I could just let them be. If I saw Esai getting beat up, I would probably jump in and help him. When I wasn't friends with Carlos for that time period, I always told myself I wouldn't fight him and if he got into some trouble I would help him despite what happened between us.

So even if you and your friend(s) have some beef, don't be afraid to let them back in. Squash it and get on with your lives. If you've ever had a close connection with anyone I find it hard to just throw that away forever. I can't imagine it. I think that once you've let someone in that deep, you'll always have that connection to save your friendship later in life.

I Doubt Theres A Better Place For Anyone Until We Learn Love

So I am sitting here at my brothers house, watching it since it got broken into today. I don't have much to do so I had a lot of thinking to do. I was kinda reading over some of my past blogs and I realized that I sort of strayed from the point of my blog. It was supposed to be how certain songs made me feel and why. I noticed I don't go into as much detail as I originally planned. So I decided to try to fix that today. This song is from one of my very favorite Hardcore bands Carpathian. It's called "Spirals" and it rules my life.



Artist: Carpathian
Song: "Spirals"


Lyrics: "Spirals"

I doubt theres a better place for anyone, we're vampires feeding on distrust,
Its time we grow the fuck up and learn to love,
I know I said, we're all so dead, but I'm not ready for death yet
So quick to point the finger, before looking inside
Yet all young lovers know why nightmares plague they're minds
We know true love, is just a curse, in a fucked up world, that's getting worse
But youths forgiving eyes, stare aimlessly, and carelessly we fuck all through the night, in the shadows of the city lights.
I'll never love again. I'll never love anything.

Not for one second can I imagine a retraction
How much longer can we take beauty for granted?
We've a lack of reason, an absence of passion
We're without clarity, in a world of empty vision and

I doubt there's a better place for anyone until we learn love


What I am now coming to realize with the help of this song, is that a lot of us here in the desert lack passion for what we do. Everyday it's just the same routine. Everyday just sort of blends in with the rest. Nothing crazy is happening. Nothing exciting is going on. So many of us are at such low points in our lives and I can't really explain why. I know for me, and maybe even for Mark, it's because we are learning to live without something we've had for so long. Both of us had someone we loved and now both of us are single. I don't believe that I will never love again, but true love is definitely a curse. It is a double-edged sword that will cut you deeper than you will anticipate. Ever heard the saying, "Play with fire and you're gonna get burned"? Well that's what love is. It's the best thing that will ever happen to you but once you're without it, it will be the worst.

But we need to get over that. I've become so afraid to getting burned again that I couldn't imagine falling in love anytime soon. I am not looking for it to happen anytime soon, but what I need to do is follow my own advice and stop worrying about it. I need to learn how to love myself and love the things around me again because I really don't need love to be happy. I need to remember how to love my life again. I'm going to stop worry about the repricussions of things and I'm just going to live my life how I see fit. Always taking in the signs I come across along the way.

So this is my challenge to myself and to anyone that reads this. Lets learn to love ourselves and lets learn how to love what we have. I know it's not that easy, but that's why it's a challenge. The next time you think you're in a shitty spot in life, call yourself a coward. If you don't like the hand life deals you, throw some cards back and ask for a new one. Fucking do something about it. And if you won't call yourself a coward, remember that I will be calling you one through this post. We need to learn to persevere and push forward. You know how there is always someone better than you, well there is always someone who is worse. So fuck your regrets. Fuck everything. I'm down for anything.



Now that that's all out of the way, check out this live video if you want. It's cool because I think it does a good job of capturing their essence live.