I'm not afraid of dying. Pieces of me die all the time.

So I'm listening to this Podcast for the first time, expecting it to be funny based on what I know about the host, and instead I got hit with some hard truths about life right off the bat. The host is talking to the first guest, Sage Francis, about how they were both similarly depressed and how each one was able to work their way out of it. They as the second guess about her life and she says that her life is awesome at the moment and then hit me with one of the realest quotes I've ever heard. "Happiness is the ability to feel optimistic about your future." Now, that may not hold true to everyone, but I feel like it definitely holds true to me. Back when I thought I had everything going on for me, when bad shit would happen, it sucked, but in the end if it didn't affect my future than it didn't hold much weight with me. I was so carefree because I was optimistic about where I was going in life. Once that all went away, suddenly even the smallest thing would bring me down because I saw it as one more roadblock on my way to a better future. I don't know. I just had to stop and ponder about that quote for a bit and write this down somewhere so that I wouldn't forget it. I didn't want to post it to Facebook because I don't want people to think I'm being emo or trying to post stupid quotes that I hate when people do. So I don't know. That's it.

I Wanna See Movies Of My Dreams

I've been doing a lot of soul searching since I was laid off from work a month and a half ago. I find myself at such an odd cross roads of life yet ago. It feels like 2007(8) all over again. The weirdest part to me though is that I can't decide how I feel. Before, if I was happy I was happy and that's it. If I was sad I was sad and it lasted a while. Lately my emotions have just been one giant roller coaster ride. I'll be extremely happy and then I find myself withdrawn from everything around me and thinking things that just bring me down. Things like being broke or being alone.

I guess that feeling of being alone is what haunts me the most. All my friends have grown and evolved and aren't the same people they were when we first started hanging out and sometimes it makes me feel so out of place. It's not their fault. It's not something they purposefully do. I just feel like either I haven't grown, which I know isn't the truth at all, or I've just grown apart from the path that they are growing on. I'm just scared that I'm reverting back to my old mentalities out of fear of feeling like I don't belong. But that's just it. I just don't fucking belong here. Whenever we are all having fun, drinking, or whatever, I pull myself away because its not what I truly want to be doing. I just do it because thats what they want to do and I just go along with it because I know they won't want to do whatever it is that I want. But truthfully, I don't even know what it is I want to be doing so its not like I really can offer any other suggestions. I'm finding myself in these situations where I am telling myself that I don't belong. That whatever we are doing just isn't me and that I am truly not enjoying myself and I convince myself I don't want to be there. I sabotage my own fun time and time again.

I guess a good example is tonight at the beach we were all hanging out and the idea to run into the water (well past midnight) came up and we all bounce around the notion that someone or other wasn't down to do it. We walked around and eventually came back and found two of our friends out in the water in just their boxers. Immediately Mark, Laken, Analise, Edgar, and I went to join them. We only took our shoes off and got our feet wet, but that was enough for us at the time. Edgar teased Laken that she wasn't as down as Damian cause he was out there in just boxers and she isn't down to do the same. She turned it back on him saying that she didn't see him doing it either and laughed it off. A few minutes later Edgar runs past us in the water in just his underwear and rushes out to meet the waves. That lit a fire in us and we went further into the water, not worrying about getting wet anymore. It was like a scene out of a movie or something. Kind of like in Garden State where Largeman climbs up on the tractor and yells and Natalie Portman's character and the other guy feel inspired and they climb up and join him and do the same. Well anyway, it was beautiful. What sucks though is that as soon as we were done feeling great, it seemed like life went on without me. I watched the girls wander off to find the boys and Edgar and Mark snapped back k to reality and realized they didn't like being cold and wet and sandy and began to hike back to the boardwalk. I was just kind of there but almost as if I wasn't. Like, all that could have happened without me and I was just a ghost observing in other peoples lives and fun. That's how I feel. Like a ghost that floats around the lives of my friends and watches them live, all the while I can't seem to find what I need to come back to life. fuck.

Baby Don't Worry Cause Now I've Got Your Back

One of the things that I have to remind myself of is that I'm not a super hero. It's not my duty to save the world. I can't save or be there for everyone. But more importantly than that, it's not my duty to be there or save everyone from their plights. I always try to go out of my way to help people that I feel need someone to pick them up in their time of need. Maybe it's something serious, maybe it's not. I've always wanted to be the one that they could say helped them through their tough time. I realize though, that not everyone needs help, and it's not up to me to decide whether or not they do. I recently came across a situation where someone that is dear to me is going through a tough time and as much as I'd like to help, I can't. Not unless that person asks for help. It kills me to think that they're hurting through this time but forcing myself into the situation to try to help might only make things worse. When I thought about this, I realized that it's a problem I have. I always try to help, even when I shouldn't. It was an odd thing to think about, but sometimes people need to go through hard times on their own to grow as an individual. Sometimes people need to resist help in order to learn that they just might actually need help. What I've learned though, is that it's not up to me that they learn whatever life lessons they need to learn. If they ask my help, I'll be there, but in the mean time all I can do is be compassionate for them and be available for them if they need assistance, even if it's just sitting with them and waiting for it to pass.

And I'm In The Wind

Who I was is not Who I am and who I am is not who I will be.

This statement has had a huge impact on me recently. It's not something that I didn't already know, but it was something that I had to put into the right words to actually understand. I came across the concept in a book about Zen Buddhism by Brad Warner. He kind of elaborates on the idea that the past and future are both fantasies. They are intangible ideas that do not exist. We can create records of the past and moments will always be alive in our minds, there is no way to actually go back and relive those moments. The future is just a fantasy, we can try our best to set things up to go according to plan so that we "know" that it will turn out the way we want it to, but it isn't definite. We have no real power over what will happen in the future. The only thing that is real to us is the present. The here and now.
Lately I've been reminiscing about my past and the things I did or didn't do that made me who I am today. I realized, though, that I am who I am because of the way that I think right now, because when I look back on the past I think to myself, "Well, i should have done this." or "I should have said that." "I thought that back then and I know then and now I know this..." Everything in the past is gone and done with and all I can really do is accept the person that I am now. Right now, I don't know what I am. I don't know what I will be, but I'm not worried about that. Right now, I'm just living my life the only way I know how; one day at a time. I'm a leaf blowing in the wind. I am taking care of what I have to take care of and other than that I am letting life happen. I'm not trying to be something I'm not. I'm not trying to make things happen. I'm letting life happen organically; on it's own. 

That's why I'm not trying to look for a girlfriend. I like to just let things fall into place on their own. I'm not trying to go out of my way to make it happen. A lot of people around me want to make that a reality but it's not a real concern of mine. I tell myself that at least. I would like to believe that. Truthfully, I hate being single. I hate not having someone that I can connect and be close to. It isn't a lust thing. I'm not just trying to get laid. I like having a significant other. I think it makes me a better person. When I have someone to impress, I work harder and I do better at all the things I do. But, I tell myself that it's not something I need, that it's not something I should try to force. I believe that whole-heartedly too. I really don't think it's something that you should rush. My last relationship was rushed and look where that landed me. It would be nice, though, to have someone that can be there for me to just be around. Lately, the perfect night to me would be just hanging out with someone, drinking wine and laughing and talking. Not doing anything crazy or out of the ordinary. Just enjoying each other's company. What's sad is that it doesn't have to be anyone specific. It just needs to be some one. That's why the song "Hold Me Down" by Minus the Bear really catches hold of my heart strings. It explains exactly how I've been feeling as of late. Just a leaf in the wind blowing around landing where ever the wind takes me. Be it another location or in the arms of someone that will offer me comfort, if even just for the night. So, here it is:



Lyrics:
"Hold Me Down"
And I'm in the wind
I am going to let it take me where it may
Maybe it lifts
Me to New Orleans or the dark streets of L.A.
I'm in the wind
I am in the wind
And if I fall to where you're standing
Will you tend to me?
I'm in the wind
I am in the wind
And if I end up in your arms will you help me stay?

I want your comfort for the evening
I need to pause and get my head
Hold me down, baby
Or the wind will catch me out again

I'm in the wind
And I don't know how long the breeze will let me stay
Maybe your kiss
Will calm the weather down and let me wait

I want your comfort for the evening
I need to pause and get my head
Hold me down, baby
Or the wind will catch me out again

I'm giving you up, I'm giving you up
I'm giving you up, I'm giving you up
I'm giving you up, I'm giving you up, again.

I want your comfort for the evening
I need to pause and get my head
Hold me down, baby
Or the wind will catch me out again
Hold me down
Hold me down
Hold me down, just keep me for another night

Didn't I Didn't I Know You?

I hate to admit it but peoples' perception of me is a lot more important to me than I let on. I always tell myself that I'm who I am and if people don't like it well then its their problem. But the truth of he matter is that I do want people to like me - to perceive me the way I want them to perceive me. Looking back on who I used to be and who I am today, they're two complete opposite people. Six years ago I thought I had reached the pinnacle of being a selfless, giving, person. Now that I've had time to mature and reflect on that, I realize that it wasn't who I am, and although that is how many people saw me, the people that mattered most got someone different. What bothers me is that they'll remember my good side, but the side of me that was selfish is what certain people will remember me as and that kills me. There was one person who I should have given everything to and I gave them close to nothing. I hate the fact that it is that aspect of who I was that is the most prevalent memory of me.
I just want to be a good person and do what's right. I don't want o look back on the person I used to be and be ashamed of it. I need to be more true to myself and not let someone change who I am.



Lyrics: "Oh, Hello"

Didn't I know you, mystery man?
Strange as all new thoughts on impotence.

All I want are windows
It wouldn't be the first time.

Didn't I, didn't I know you?
Didn't I, didn't I know you, didn't I know you?
All along, all we've been given is the ugliest tidings.
All along, we've been a mess.
Now quick dilation is the only chance we have left.

A stranger's just someone that you've forgotten.
How will we know if we've met before or done this dance,
Mystery man?

Didn't I, didn't I know you?
Didn't I, didn't I know you, didn't I know you?
All along, all we've been given is the ugliest tidings.
All along, we've been a mess.
Now quick dilation is the only chance we have left.

Shorter Of Breath And One Day Closer To Death

So I've sort of taken a sabbatical as of late and well, now I'm back. No podcast or anything this time around. Going back to just the song and lyrics for now. Anyway, here we go:



Artist: Pink Floyd
Song: "Time"

Lyrics:
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
And you are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say

BREATHE REPRISE
Home, home again
I like to be here when I can
And when I come home cold and tired
It’s good to warm my bones beside the fire
Far away across the field
The tolling of the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spells.

So with the passing of my grandmother, I've been thinking a lot about my own inevitable death. It's something that I ponder quite often actually. So here I was today just listening to Pink Floyd, jamming out. I initially put them on for the sake of listening to "Money" off the same album. So when "Time" came on, I got hit hard with how heavy this song is. Mortality is fresh on the mind and the lyrics are just so fitting with what's been going on in my head lately.

Just like I feel like I've taken those that I've lost for granted, I'm also reminded that I take those still around for granted, and just as importantly, I take myself for granted. I don't realize how much time I waste just doing nothing when I can be doing so much more. Whether it be sitting on the couch watching Glee with my girlfriend, getting together with my friends and watching some UFC fights, or just hanging out with my family arguing over nothing at dinner I am reminded by this song that I need to appreciate those moments more. It's the little things that are important. So I'm going to do my best to make the most of life, especially the little things. I hope you do the same.






On a side note, I've decided to add this song to my funeral playlist. I know it sounds weird but I have this playlist of songs I want played at my funeral. So far, this is what I've got:

"Soco Ameretto Lime" by Brand New
"Welcome To Bangkok" by Brand New
"Body in a Box" by City and Colour
"Time" by Pink Floyd


There have been others but I've never taken the time to write them down so some songs have been lost. I'm going to continue adding to the list throughout the years. So when I do finally go, someone please compile this playlist and burn it onto a cd or whatever and distribute it to everyone that's attending.

Sleep In Peace When The Day Is Done

Artist: Muse
Song: Feeling Good



Lyrics:"Feeling Good"

Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Fish in the sea you know how I feel
River running free you know how I feel
blossom in the trees you know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel

It's a new dawn
It's a new day
It's a new life
For me
And I'm feeling good