And I'm In The Wind

Who I was is not Who I am and who I am is not who I will be.

This statement has had a huge impact on me recently. It's not something that I didn't already know, but it was something that I had to put into the right words to actually understand. I came across the concept in a book about Zen Buddhism by Brad Warner. He kind of elaborates on the idea that the past and future are both fantasies. They are intangible ideas that do not exist. We can create records of the past and moments will always be alive in our minds, there is no way to actually go back and relive those moments. The future is just a fantasy, we can try our best to set things up to go according to plan so that we "know" that it will turn out the way we want it to, but it isn't definite. We have no real power over what will happen in the future. The only thing that is real to us is the present. The here and now.
Lately I've been reminiscing about my past and the things I did or didn't do that made me who I am today. I realized, though, that I am who I am because of the way that I think right now, because when I look back on the past I think to myself, "Well, i should have done this." or "I should have said that." "I thought that back then and I know then and now I know this..." Everything in the past is gone and done with and all I can really do is accept the person that I am now. Right now, I don't know what I am. I don't know what I will be, but I'm not worried about that. Right now, I'm just living my life the only way I know how; one day at a time. I'm a leaf blowing in the wind. I am taking care of what I have to take care of and other than that I am letting life happen. I'm not trying to be something I'm not. I'm not trying to make things happen. I'm letting life happen organically; on it's own. 

That's why I'm not trying to look for a girlfriend. I like to just let things fall into place on their own. I'm not trying to go out of my way to make it happen. A lot of people around me want to make that a reality but it's not a real concern of mine. I tell myself that at least. I would like to believe that. Truthfully, I hate being single. I hate not having someone that I can connect and be close to. It isn't a lust thing. I'm not just trying to get laid. I like having a significant other. I think it makes me a better person. When I have someone to impress, I work harder and I do better at all the things I do. But, I tell myself that it's not something I need, that it's not something I should try to force. I believe that whole-heartedly too. I really don't think it's something that you should rush. My last relationship was rushed and look where that landed me. It would be nice, though, to have someone that can be there for me to just be around. Lately, the perfect night to me would be just hanging out with someone, drinking wine and laughing and talking. Not doing anything crazy or out of the ordinary. Just enjoying each other's company. What's sad is that it doesn't have to be anyone specific. It just needs to be some one. That's why the song "Hold Me Down" by Minus the Bear really catches hold of my heart strings. It explains exactly how I've been feeling as of late. Just a leaf in the wind blowing around landing where ever the wind takes me. Be it another location or in the arms of someone that will offer me comfort, if even just for the night. So, here it is:



Lyrics:
"Hold Me Down"
And I'm in the wind
I am going to let it take me where it may
Maybe it lifts
Me to New Orleans or the dark streets of L.A.
I'm in the wind
I am in the wind
And if I fall to where you're standing
Will you tend to me?
I'm in the wind
I am in the wind
And if I end up in your arms will you help me stay?

I want your comfort for the evening
I need to pause and get my head
Hold me down, baby
Or the wind will catch me out again

I'm in the wind
And I don't know how long the breeze will let me stay
Maybe your kiss
Will calm the weather down and let me wait

I want your comfort for the evening
I need to pause and get my head
Hold me down, baby
Or the wind will catch me out again

I'm giving you up, I'm giving you up
I'm giving you up, I'm giving you up
I'm giving you up, I'm giving you up, again.

I want your comfort for the evening
I need to pause and get my head
Hold me down, baby
Or the wind will catch me out again
Hold me down
Hold me down
Hold me down, just keep me for another night