I've been in this weird haze lately and I'm totally over it. So I was listening to some old songs that I used to dig back in high school and I came across one of my favorite Bright Eyes songs, "A Perfect Sonnet." So here it is:
Artist: Bright Eyes Song: "A Perfect Sonnet"
Lyrics:
"A Perfect Sonnet"
Lately I've been wishing I had one desire Something that would make me never want another Something that would make it so that nothing mattered All would be clear then But I guess I'll have to settle for a few brief moments And watch it all dissolve into a single second And try to write it down into a perfect sonnet or one foolish line 'Cause that's all that you'll get so you'll have to accept You are here then you're gone But I believe that lovers should be tied together and Thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather and left there to drown Left there to drown in their innocence But as for me I'm coming to the final chapter I read all of the pages and there is still no answer Only all that was before I know must soon come after That is the only way it can be So I stand in the sun And I breathe with my lungs Trying to spare me the weight of the truth Saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror And you've spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever And now you are laying in a bathtub full of freezing water Wishing you were a ghost But once you knew a girl and you named her Lover And danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer But autumn came, She disappeared You can't remember where she said she was going to But you know that she's gone 'cause she left you a song That you don't want to sing We're singing I believe that lovers should be chained together And thrown into a fire with their songs and letters And left there to burn Left there to burn in their arrogance But as for me I'm coming to my final failure I've killed myself with changes trying to make things better But I ended up becoming something other than what I had planned to be Now I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers And layed entwined together on a bed of clover And left there to sleep Left there to dream of their happiness
Like I was saying earlier it's hard to explain how I've been feeling lately other than that I'm stuck in a cloudy haze. I am lonely but I tell myself that it's nothing but then I yearn for something more than this boring self. I hate to admit it but I've become bitter to the world because of my loneliness. I try to be the loving person I used to be but I feel like I can't be because of the way I get upset at the thought of other people attaining happiness before me. That's why I can relate to this song so much. I don't want to be alone. I want to be happy but nothing seems to work. I've always been the friend that people can turn to when they have problems that they need to talk about but when it comes to me, I can't put the words together to describe whats wrong.
And like the song, I may be bitter, but in the end it's all a front. In the end I just want to be happy myself and I really just yearn for that feeling of love again.
So it's been a while since the last post. Not for any reason in particular, I just haven't really had anything important I wanted to share. I don't want to waste your time as well as mine with a blog that doesn't have much meaning. So anyway, I've been feeling very motivated lately and I started listening to Carpathian again. They always make me angry at life haha. So anyway, the song is "Cursed" by said band Carpathian. Here it is:
Artist: Carpathian Song: "Cursed"
Lyrics:
"Cursed"
The realisation that I still don't know what I'm doing here, Put in perspective I am nothing, It feels like something has been wasted, and I am fading Time is growing against me as I grow tired of being Just another soul spent searching for something inside, I hate my fucking guts, I hate desire, I hate lust, I hate humanity, I hate instinctively, I hate this fucking world for fucking hating me
The chasm in my chest Screams of resounding emptiness I've never tasted this bitterness I never felt this solitude, worthlessness
So what great vision is this to sail amongst the vast indifference? Accept a trail to hollow senses, where only tragedy breaks the numbness So what great epiphany, will spell out beneath my feet? Chain my wrists, and admit defeat, imprisoned by 'the clarity' So is this destiny, a doubtful life, feeling empty? Worst of all to make me guilty, blindest of the blind, telling me to see I might hate this world, I might hate myself But I wont be a wasted soul, another ghost like everyone else
From the start this song just pulls me in with relativity. I can't help but feel exactly what he's singing about in the first verse of the song. I always feel lost and stuck here in the desert. It feels like I will never accomplish anything here in the Coachella Valley. We always play ourselves up to be big and on top of the world, but really I'm just a lonely, bitter guy stuck in a dead-end job waiting for a big break rather than actually working at it. Then there is the "I hate my fucking guts, I hate desire, I hate lust" line that just blows me away. I feel the exact same way sometimes. It's true because I let desire and lust get the better of me more often than not. I hate that I'm always wanting something I can't have, in this case, a girlfriend. I'm close to a few girls but nothing will ever come of it. It never works out for me in the end. I mean, I've come to terms with that and I'm happy with what I have, I just wish I could have more.
But the point of this blog wasn't to rant about how unhappy I am, it was to talk about how motivated I've been. Lately I've felt so driven to do something with myself. I am ready to get through this slump I'm in and do something with myself. That's what I love so much about the last section of the song. It describes what I feel inside. One part of it is that I have been losing weight somehow. I'm not gonna lie, I'm not working out one bit, but I've been losing weight regardless. It's been doing a good job of restoring some of my self-confidence. It's sorta funny really. My mom was upset with me Christmas morning because a bunch of the clothes she bought me as gifts are too big now. I'm not gonna lie, it felt so good to have her acknowledge my weight loss. Granted it's not much, but I've been too big for too long. So anyway, back to business. I'm ready to start doing something with myself. The plan is to drop weight and hopefully join the Air Force. My cousin's husband and I had an awesome talk about his time spent in the Air Force and it re-ignited the spark in me. I want to do it. I want to get out of here and see the world. I want to do something worth talking about when I come home to visit. I want to make my parents proud for once.
We've all been dealing with the problem probably since elementary school. There is always someone that doesn't like someone else. So that's what I'm going to talk about today. So when I was listening to Thrice last night before bed "Kill Me Quickly" and I thought it would be pretty appropriate for this blog.
Artist: Thrice Song: "Kill Me Quickly"
Lyrics:
"Kill Me Quickly"
Can we, can we kill each other quickly? Quick enough so I won't feel it? A shot of strobe light anesthia and I'll be fine
'Cause I'm beginning to feel cold My hands are shaking from fear, white from clutching my pride, red from cutting you, and blue from telling lies.
'Cause I'm sick of the stabbing, I'm sick of the breaking, I'm sick of the bleeding until we fall down, sick of this circle of death that we dance through again and again, just lay me in the ground. Let's fall asleep together, hold me darling 'cause I'm scared, and I can't do this alone.
But I need! your heartbeat to haunt me, your cold lips to breathe, a promise that, tomorrow we'll wake up somewhere new.
So a problem that we've all had especially in my circle of friends is that there is always someone that has a problem with someone else. It sucks. I hate that we have to watch who we bring around who. I just wish it wasn't as big of a deal as it is so that we could bring said people around each other and have it not be a problem. Like, they could just not interact with each other and still have fun you know? I mean, that's what I do if I'm ever the one that is put in that situation with people I don't like. But we don't do that because a lot of us are too considerate and don't want to people in that scenario. I know I sure don't like doing it. It just sucks because someone is always left out and it creates jealousy and unnecessary angst. I usually don't take sides in matters when it comes to a problem between two of my friends but I hate being put in that situation where I may have to. I just wish we could all be civil and not hold onto grudges.
So I don't care what the situation is. A forgiving heart is a blessed heart. Lets change things around here and go back to being friends.
I have some cousins over since we had a death in the family recently. I have this weird fascination with death and dying. I dwell on it a lot. I've even picked out what song I want played at my funeral. So that's what it is today, "Soco Ameretto Lime" by Brand New. I know... Another Brand New song, oh well.
Artist: Brand New Song: "Soco Amaretto Lime"
Lyrics:
"Soco Amaretto Lime"
Passed out on the overpass Sunday best and broken glass Broken down from the bikes and bars Suspended like spirits over speeding cars You and me were kings over the parkway tonight And tonight will go on forever while we walk around this town like we own the streets and stay awake through summer like we own the heat Singing "everybody wake up (wake up) it's time to get down" (everybody, everybody wake up its time to get down) And when I pass the bottle back to Pete on the overpass tonight, I bet we laugh
I'm gonna stay eighteen forever (cut me open) So we can stay like this forever (sun poisoned) And we'll never miss a party (this offer...) cause we keep them going constantly (...stands forever) And we'll never have to listen (new haircut) to anyone about anything (new bracelet) cause it's all been done and it's all been said (eyeliner) we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get
The hell out of this town Find some conversation The low fuel lights been on for days It doesn't mean anything I've got another 500, 'nother 500 miles before we shut this engine down, we shut it down
I'm gonna stay eighteen forever (cut me open) So we can stay like this forever (sun poisoned) And we'll never miss a party (this offer...) cause we keep them going constantly (...stands forever) And we'll never have to listen (new haircut) to anyone about anything (new bracelet) cause it's all been done and it's all been said (eyeliner) we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get (wait forever)
(you're just jealous cause I'm young and in love) Eighteen forever (first kisses) (your stomach's filled up but you're starved for conversation) So we can stay like this forever (new stitches) (you're spending all your nights growing old in your bed) And we'll never miss a party (collar weekend) (and your tearin up your photos cause you wanna forget... it's over) cause we keep them going constantly (appearance ticket) (you're just jealous cause I'm young and in love) And we'll never have to listen (November to...) (your stomach's filled up but you're starved for conversation) to anyone about anything cause it's all been done (...remember) (you're spending all your nights growing old in your bed) and it's all been said (nightswimmers) (and your tearin up your photos cause you wanna forget... it's over) we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get
Just jealous cause we're young and in love You're just jealous cause we're young and in love You're just jealous cause we're young and in love You're just jealous cause we're young and in love You're just jealous cause we're young and in love You're just jealous... [turntable scratch]
Here's a little back story. Last year around May I was kicked out of my house for a couple reasons and my sister was just beginning to like Brand New at the time so she was listening to it in the car whenever she would be driving with my mom. My mom actually listens to the music that we listen to in the car rather than drown it out in her head and this song really stuck out to her. Over time she grew to hate it because it reminded her of me and she began to miss me more than she wanted to admit. The first time we rode in the car together after I left the house this song came on and she began crying uncontrollably. She then explained that it was this song that made her cry because it describes me and my friends perfectly and it made her miss me. She said it fit us perfectly because we're always doing something. Always going out of town and always doing things together. That we were in a constant state of partying and hanging out. Like we have no fears or worries about life. I must say, she was right.
So I find it fitting that this song be played at my funeral. This song will forever remind me of all my friends and people I've ever loved. Even people that aren't around. I'll always remember the fun times we've had and I want people at my funeral to be able to remember them as well when they hear this at my funeral.
So enjoy the time you have right now. Even when things are looking grim, just take a step back and take a look at who you have with you. They're the ones that are there for you now so try your best to be for them in the future. Keep the people you care about close and you'll never be alone.
Change everything you are And everything you were Your number has been called
Fights and battles have begun Revenge will surely come Your hard times are ahead
Best, you've got to be the best You've got to change the world And use this chance to be heard Your time is now
Change everything you are And everything you were Your number has been called
Fights and battles have begun Revenge will surely come Your hard times are ahead
Best, you've got to be the best You've got to change the world And use this chance to be heard Your time is now
Don’t let yourself down And don’t let yourself go Your last chance has arrived
Best, you've got to be the best You've got to change the world And use this chance to be heard Your time is now
I've made this decision to start trying to make the people around me happier. I'm tired of seeing people I care about bummed out. People used to come to me with their problems and I would always do a good job of listening and taking it in and reflecting positive out of it and helping them pick their heads' up, even if only a little. I feel like I've lost that side of me and I want it back.
What I love about this song is that the lyrics are so direct and straight-forward that you really don't need to think too much into it to feel motivated by it. Just reading them you know that this song is meant to inspire action in others. What makes this song ten times better is if you know and understand the band themselves, you can get a deeper meaning of the song. The band is very much into conspiracy theories and things of that sort. So if you take another look at the title, "Butterflies and Hurricanes" you might begin to realize that this is a reference to the Butterfly Effect which states that a butterfly on one side of the world can change the direction of a tornado or hurricane on the other side of the world with the flapping of its wings. Just the idea of something so small impacting something so large is crazy in itself, but when you think about it in regards to the song and it's lyrics, they're not asking for a small change. What he's asking for is for you to change everything about yourself. Imagine the power behind something like that.
So this is my personal declaration to do something about our situation. I'm going to try my best to do better by all my friends. Will you join me?
So I couldn't find a cool video on Youtube for this song so I found this cool embeddable mp3 player service. So The song is "So Close/So Alive" by Just Surrender. If you know the song this blog might throw you off a little. It's not exactly what you think it is. Anyway, here we go.
Artist: Just Surrender Song: "So Close/So Alive"
Lyrics:
"So Close/ So Alive"
It looks like you need some company Your face is wearing such misery I'll stay right here if you, if you want me to (I want you to) And if our worlds collide A smile I should provide I'll turn your fantasies into something real Cause, baby, get inside
To the top, and nothing's gonna stop us No roots or chains there to hold us Today will be the day we reach the sky So long to things that just were made up So close that you can almost taste it Today will be the day we reach the sky
I like the way you look tonight Your dress has drawn me to your eyes I know that it's a stretch Would you let me stay? (I'll let you stay) You got me in a trance And if you take a chance I'll make your memories into something more Just open up your eyes
To the top, and nothing's gonna stop us No roots or chains there to hold us Today will be the day we reach the sky So long to things that just were made up So close that you can almost taste it Today will be the day we reach the sky
You know that I will be next to you When morning comes, I'll still be true to you (You say you'll never leave) And I won't, dear (But how can I believe?) Just trust me, please (I can't explain how much I need you) Don't say a word Your body will speak for you (You can be the reason I'm alive) You're already everything I've got (Hold me close; keep me on my toes)
To the top, and nothing's gonna stop us No roots or chains there to hold us Today will be the day we reach the sky So long to things that just were made up So close that you can almost taste it Today will be the day we reach the sky
(Hold me close) To the top, and nothing's gonna stop us (Keep me on my toes) No roots or chains there to hold us Today will be the day we reach the sky (Today will be the day we reach the sky) (Hold me close) So long to things that just were made up (Keep me on my toes) So close that you can almost taste it (Today will be the day we reach the sky) Today will be the day we reach the sky
Singing along with this song really brings me down. It makes me want to be able to have it be about me and my situation. Thats the thing though, I don't have a situation. This song reminds me of that early feeling when you're still falling in love... Where you're barely realizing it and it feels like nothing can ever go wrong. I miss that. I WANT that. I want to be able to sing this song with someone special. I love singing, and to have someone sing with me would make me so happy, but there's no one.
I guess what I've been feeling lately is loneliness but to a different extent. This isn't like the, "man how cool would it be to have a girlfriend again" type of loneliness. It's more along the lines of, "man, I feel so distant from everyone I was ever close to" kind of loneliness. I feel like I've been such a shitty friend lately. I'm not exactly sure why. But I feel like I'm losing touch with all the people I want to have close to me. I honestly don't know what happened. Maybe I got lost in heaven. By that I mean; maybe I lost myself trying to be something I wasn't. I went about this whole life changing thing the wrong way. Not that there is necessarily a right way, but I feel like since that, things have been looking up in some areas, but looking down in others. Sure I was a lot happier and I still kind of am, but I'm starting to see things differently. I'm starting to see other sides of people and I am starting to believe that I am the cause of it. It's like I forgot how to notice other people's feelings or something. Like I was so absorbed in myself that I couldn't notice that I was bothering others. Now I feel so far from everything and it's probably because I unknowingly pushed everything away. I feel like I've forgotten how to balance everything. I try to help out but end up causing more problems. I try to be there for something, but end up smothering. Try to patch things up, only to pull it apart even more...
I don't know what I'm doing right now. I am trying to find myself. All I can ask is that you stick with it and ride this out with me. I promise to try my best to get cool again. To be worth having around cause right now I feel like I'm not. And please if you ever need to talk about something, hit me up. Helping people helps me. Lets help eachother.
I just got back from a trip to Circle K not too long ago and walks at this time in the morning with this kind of weather can really get a guy thinking. Now, these weren't the best thoughts, but I'll wait to go into detail on that. The song is "Milestone" by Brand New. I swear every song has something to do with my life. Anyway...
Artist: Brand New Song: "Millstone"
Lyrics:
"Milestone"
I used to be such a burning example, I used to be so original. I used to care, I was being cared for. Made sure I showed it to those that I love.
I used to sleep without a single stir, 'Cause I was about my father's work.
Well take me out tonight, This ship of fools I'm on will sink. A millstone around my neck, {If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.
I used to pray like God was listening. I used to make my parents proud. I was the glue that kept my friends together, Now they don't talk and we don't go out.
I used to know the name of every person I'd kissed. Now I've made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it.
Well take me out tonight, This ship of fools I'm on will sink. A millstone around my neck, {If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.
Throw me that lifeline, This ship of fools I'm on will sink. A millstone around my neck {If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.
"They never hit their brakes..." "There was no time to see..." "He just ran out in the street..." "Does anybody know his name?" "I think I recognize him..." "He sure as hell paid for that mistake..."
Woah.
So take me out tonight. This ship of fools I'm on will sink. A millstone around my neck. {If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.
Well save my life tonight. This ship of fools I'm on will sink A millstone around my neck {If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.
I really hate to be feeling down and out, but sometimes it just happens you know. Not everyone can be a super hero. Despite the mask I wear everyday I know I'm just a normal person on the inside. Shit happens. I just hate how I feel like I still don't have a handle on things. I'm in such a deep debt it's scary. Someone my age shouldn't have to deal with this. I feel like my the friend I owe thinks I'm such a flake. My mom definitely thinks so. She has such little faith in me it's sad. I really did used make my parents proud. And then I grew up into the person I am today. I need to get my life on track. From now on I'm not going to spend my money on shit. I'm going to do as little as possible to spend money. Sure I'll eat out maybe once a week. Maybe a movie once a week. But once I get my car fixed I'm going to pay off Michelle as soon as I can. No Christmas for me this year. Maybe I'll buy my sister a game or something. But I can't afford anything right now. I'm gonna fix this situation. I promise it.
And I hate feeling like this cause it reminds me of how alone I am. I wish I had someone that could help me out and just tell me things will get better. Someone to remind me not to spend my money on stupid things. Someone to just be there and remind me that no matter how much I mess up I'm still special and worth being around. I'm so ready for something real. I'm so ready for someone to be that lifeline cause it feels like I have a millstone hung from my neck and this ship of fools I'm on is sinking. I need someone to be my breath and rescue me. I'm ready for something real.
So I know it's sorta been a while but I don't have life epiphanies every day. So lately I've been thinking a lot on the subject of love, but I'm not in love so it was hard to relate to anything, what I did come across today though was that before you could love, you have to be able to trust. So the song for today is appropriately "Trust" by Thrice. Now all I could find was their live performance but it's a good one. So here you go, listen to the song, read the lyrics.
Artist: Thrice Song: "Trust"
Lyrics:
"Trust"
mix the chemicals right dear, mix the chemicals right yeah the margin of error is slight mix the chemicals right dear mix the chemicals right yeah you know that you could save my life
there is a risk, there's a risk when your dealing with love you could snap my neck any speed you drive can be dangerous
mix the chemicals right dear, mix the chemicals right yeah you know there's a fine line between mix the chemicals right dear, mix the chemicals right cause i know what betrayal can mean
when this frame fails me will i trust you to carry me through? i know there's no such thing as safety but i know what a promise can do. will i trust you, will i trust you to carry me through? i will trust you, cause i know what a promise can do
So as I mentioned earlier I've been thinking a lot about love. For no particular reason really. See, I've always kinda considered myself the hopeless romantic type that feeds off of cheesy romance and passion. But I came to a horrible realization; I'm not in love! So I found it hard to relate to any of the songs I was listening to. All they brought back was nostalgia at best. So out of left field, "Trust" from Thrice sorta popped into my head and I thought that maybe I could work with it. Originally, I set out to do a blog about "The American Dream" but I gave up on that idea when I listened to this song. I think it does a perfect job of portraying what someone in love deals with in the sense of trusting someone. When you love someone you give them your complete trust whether you want to or not. You can tell yourself you have walls up to protect you but as soon as they do something to betray your trust you will find that they are brought down to the floor.
Now I definitely have been betrayed and had my emotions backfire on me. It's a horrible thing and I'm sure everyone has gone through that at some point in their lives. All we can really do is be wary of who we put our faith in and trust only those that deserve it. I am not looking for love, but before I can even think about that I have to be able to give this person my full trust. I wouldn't want to find out a few months in that I've been giving 100 percent and they have only been giving 50. So we all have to be wary about trusting girls [or guys for some]. Just take your time and be patient. Put in work but don't make it a priority until it needs to be. IF you find that you're getting the short end of the deal, pull out. Don't waste time and effort that can be used elsewhere.
You know, so many times I've told myself that if I rid myself of this desert I would rid myself out of my problems. Out of sight and out of mind right? Yeah, well fuck that. I came across my Grave Maker CD and popped it in and when "Comfort in Concrete" came on, I had an epiphany. So before I dive headfirst into this, lets get the details out of the way. This song is "Comfort in Concrete" by Grave Maker if you haven't figured it out yet.
Artist: Gravemaker Song: "Comfort in Concrete"
Lyrics:
"Comfort in Concrete"
here I lay wide awake, listening to this city's life Something here calms me, and it comforts me to know That every step I will ever take leads me to another home I know one day I will speak of a time When nights shined brighter than days This is the path that leads me to the closest thing I call a home To a home with more than belongings that are bought and sold Each moonlight drive a radio sings a lullaby These nights where all is settled inside I should feel alone, but I'm alive I'm alive, looking at the sky Knowing some life wait for me miles away But I will wait I am just a tourist, just a visitor to these cityscapes To these scattered lights I find comfort within I hope this carries on for a thousand more nights A thousands more nights Let's carry on
Like I was saying earlier I would always tell myself that I needed to get out of here. That I was being held back by the quicksand here. I swore that happiness was miles and miles away, but I am so wrong it's scary. I didn't need somewhere new, everything I need to be happy is right here. I was just running away from my problems and looking for an easy way out rather than deal with it. Desperation and depression are best friends and that's what I was clinging to. I thought I needed out but in reality I just needed to check myself for being a coward.
After the last two posts I've been thinking a lot clearer. I've got my head back on my shoulders. I opened my eyes to the world and now I see that I don't need to go searching for happiness in life; it's right in front of me. My friends are everything to me and without them I believe I would have finished it a long time ago. As long as I have them here I'm set. We've shared so many memories in this collection of our desert cities I would never replace it. I feel ashamed that I would even consider it.
When I sing along to this song, it's like the words empower me and give me the clarity that I need at the time. When I get to the line, "But I'm alive" I get so excited because when I sing/yell it it's like im making a decleration of the new me. I'm over being bitter and angry.
So re-evaluate yourself and your life and maybe you'll see that happiness is right in front of you. You just have to stop looking behind you. And know that I will always be here if you need me.
In the breaking hours of of the day today I received a call from my buddy Andre. Dispite everything that happened to us in our past we are still able to push that aside and continue our friendship after all these years. So after a close to three hour conversation I was inspired to write this blog. The subject of friendships has been lingering in the back of my head for quite some time now and through Andre, I was able to come to the realization that I needed to in order to put this blog out there. So I bring you "At The End of August" by 36 Crazy Fists. All I could find was this live video and this was the best one at that. It's pretty good though since it does a good job of portraying their intensity.
Artist: 36 Crazy Fists Song: "At The End of August"
Lyrics:
"At The End Of August"
Crawling from the floor I been there before There I was staring back at the bottom And let's make this clear It came from these tears Carved across our chests Loyalty...
And with the new light there was young hope To underline the meaning And carve our names in
At the end of August The end of At the end of August The end of
I'll never replace the ones I first made Jesus, does anyone?
So I lit lanterns to Light up all these words Looking back I know it's what I'd die for And through all this life Smashed away all the strife A friendship I paint Untouchable
And with the new light there was young hope To underline the meaning And carve our names in
At the end of August The end of At the end of August The end of
I'll never replace the ones I first made Jesus, does anyone?
Crawling from the floor I been there before And let's make this clear Loyalty
And I want you to know How all of you made me How all of you saved me And I'll never replace The ones I first made Jesus, does anyone?
At the end of August The end of At the end of August The end of
I'll never replace the ones I first made Jesus, does anyone?
Crawling from the floor I been there before There I was staring back at the bottom
And let's make this clear It came from these tears Carved across our chests Loyalty
Loyalty, loyal
Now the thing that has been floating around my head is how no matter what happens, I don't think I could ever hate someone to the point where if they needed help I wouldn't be there for them. Now all of us have had our civil disputes with some friends at some point in our lives. Even the best of friends fall apart and don't talk for days and even years. For me though, I don't think I'll ever be able to just write them off completely. If I was driving down the road and saw someone that I really don't like broken down and helpless, I don't think I could just let them be. If I saw Esai getting beat up, I would probably jump in and help him. When I wasn't friends with Carlos for that time period, I always told myself I wouldn't fight him and if he got into some trouble I would help him despite what happened between us.
So even if you and your friend(s) have some beef, don't be afraid to let them back in. Squash it and get on with your lives. If you've ever had a close connection with anyone I find it hard to just throw that away forever. I can't imagine it. I think that once you've let someone in that deep, you'll always have that connection to save your friendship later in life.
So I am sitting here at my brothers house, watching it since it got broken into today. I don't have much to do so I had a lot of thinking to do. I was kinda reading over some of my past blogs and I realized that I sort of strayed from the point of my blog. It was supposed to be how certain songs made me feel and why. I noticed I don't go into as much detail as I originally planned. So I decided to try to fix that today. This song is from one of my very favorite Hardcore bands Carpathian. It's called "Spirals" and it rules my life.
Artist: Carpathian Song: "Spirals"
Lyrics:
"Spirals"
I doubt theres a better place for anyone, we're vampires feeding on distrust, Its time we grow the fuck up and learn to love, I know I said, we're all so dead, but I'm not ready for death yet So quick to point the finger, before looking inside Yet all young lovers know why nightmares plague they're minds We know true love, is just a curse, in a fucked up world, that's getting worse But youths forgiving eyes, stare aimlessly, and carelessly we fuck all through the night, in the shadows of the city lights. I'll never love again. I'll never love anything.
Not for one second can I imagine a retraction How much longer can we take beauty for granted? We've a lack of reason, an absence of passion We're without clarity, in a world of empty vision and
I doubt there's a better place for anyone until we learn love
What I am now coming to realize with the help of this song, is that a lot of us here in the desert lack passion for what we do. Everyday it's just the same routine. Everyday just sort of blends in with the rest. Nothing crazy is happening. Nothing exciting is going on. So many of us are at such low points in our lives and I can't really explain why. I know for me, and maybe even for Mark, it's because we are learning to live without something we've had for so long. Both of us had someone we loved and now both of us are single. I don't believe that I will never love again, but true love is definitely a curse. It is a double-edged sword that will cut you deeper than you will anticipate. Ever heard the saying, "Play with fire and you're gonna get burned"? Well that's what love is. It's the best thing that will ever happen to you but once you're without it, it will be the worst.
But we need to get over that. I've become so afraid to getting burned again that I couldn't imagine falling in love anytime soon. I am not looking for it to happen anytime soon, but what I need to do is follow my own advice and stop worrying about it. I need to learn how to love myself and love the things around me again because I really don't need love to be happy. I need to remember how to love my life again. I'm going to stop worry about the repricussions of things and I'm just going to live my life how I see fit. Always taking in the signs I come across along the way.
So this is my challenge to myself and to anyone that reads this. Lets learn to love ourselves and lets learn how to love what we have. I know it's not that easy, but that's why it's a challenge. The next time you think you're in a shitty spot in life, call yourself a coward. If you don't like the hand life deals you, throw some cards back and ask for a new one. Fucking do something about it. And if you won't call yourself a coward, remember that I will be calling you one through this post. We need to learn to persevere and push forward. You know how there is always someone better than you, well there is always someone who is worse. So fuck your regrets. Fuck everything. I'm down for anything.
Now that that's all out of the way, check out this live video if you want. It's cool because I think it does a good job of capturing their essence live.
Brand New is easily one of my favorite bands. The Devil and God Are Raging Inside me is easily one of my favorite albums of all time. I could dedicate this entire blog to just this band, no scratch that; just this album. Tonight; however, I'll just leave you with "You Won't Know" by Brand New.
Now I have two videos for this song, just like the first Brand New post I did on here. The first video is just the song itself, and the second is a live performance. I highly recommend watching the live one, it's my favorite video of Brand New performing live and it shows their raw emotion they put into their music. It's so powerful.
Artist: Brand New Song: "You Won't Know"
Lyrics:
"You Won't Know"
Hey, hey, hey, Mr. Hangman, You go get your rope Your daughters weren't careful, I fear that I am a slippery slope Now even if I lay my head down at night After a day I got perfectly right...
She won't know... She won't know...
So pray little Kay loves God on a good day, And you can't blame your mother, She's trying not to see you as her worst mistake And I wish that I could tell you right now, I love you But it looks like I won't be around So you won't know...
You won't know... You won't know... You won't know...
So believe in me, believe, if you think I'll let you down Well I won't They can fire everything they've got And when you think I'm sunk I will float on and on I have burned the bush that covered my light Even though I'm scared I won't burn that bright But you won't know...
You won't know... You won't know... You won't know...
We're never gonna feel as full as we felt So let's go outside and we'll play "William Tell" Take your time drawing your bead I'll stand as still as you need 'Cause you're so good at talking smack, you heart attack But you're the apple of my eye anyway
My smiling face That's on my head it's on a silver plate
So they say, They say in heaven There's no husbands and wives On the day that I show up They'll be completely out Of their forgiveness supplies And I can't use the telephone To tell you that I'm dead and gone So you won't know
You won't know... Yeah, you won't know... Yeah, you won't know... Yeah, you won't know... Yeah, you won't know... Yeah, you won't know... Yeah, you won't know...
Now, you might not catch it the first time you listen to this song, or maybe even never, but this song is about abortion. I am just now finding this out. I had to do a lot of research to figure it out, but it's definitely along those lines. I couldn't tell you if it is a personal account, or if it's just something that inspired them to write, but yeah it's about abortion. That's not why I'm writing this though. I've never had to deal with abortion, well, not really. It came up once, but it wasn't an option in my book.
Anyway, the reason I picked this song is because I have a hard time expressing my feelings. When it comes to girls, I can never tell them exactly how it feels. It was with the constant badgering of one of my friends that forced me to tell the last girl about how I felt. Not that I didn't want to, but just that I can't do it. I guess it's for fear of rejection. That's why I take the lyrics to heart. Even though they have a different meaning, I took them for my own.
P.S.
I decided to put the live performance in here at the bottom so you didn't feel inclined to watch it right away. I would rather that you have heard the song before hand and had a chance to read the lyrics and try to get your own understanding for them. So here you go:
This next song goes out to anyone that's ever been dropped by someone you were close to, watched someone you love turned into someone you hate, or even just realized you yourself turned into something you don't want to be. I bring you "Change (In the House Of Flies)" by Deftones
Artist: Deftones Song: "Change (In The House of Flies)"
Lyrics:
"Change (In The House Of Flies)"
I watched you change Into a fly, I looked away, You were on fire.
I watched a change, In you, It's like you never, Had wings, Now you feel so alive, I've watched you change.
I took you home, Set you on the glass, I pulled off your wings, Then I laughed.
I watched a change, In you, It's like you never, Had wings, Now you feel so alive, I've watched you change.
It's like you never, Had wings.
Aaaahhh-ah-aaaahhh (x6)
I look at the cross, Then I look away, Give you the gun, Blow me away.
I watched a change in you, It's like you never had wings, Now you feel so alive, I've watched you change.
Now you feel alive, You feel alive, You feel alive, I've watched you change.
It's like you never, Had wings.
Aaaahhh-ah-aaaahhh (x6)
You've changed, You've changed, You've changed, Into a fly.
What I love about this song is the way it pulls you in and envelopes you in it. I love ambient stuff and this is exactly that. What's weird is that it sorta makes you feel down. Like, right away the mood is just down and dark. I get off on stuff like that though lol.
But back to the point of the post, I picked this because I've seen people come and go in my life. I've watched as some of my closest friends changed so much in high school. I watched the shy, nerdy kid transform into the obnoxious alcoholic that nobody wants around. I watched as my best friend dove into a life of parties and eventually stopped coming around. But they aren't always bad. I am actually pround of my friend Ray. He went off to the military and had a kid and is very responsible. I actually look up to him now.
But I'm not here to cast blame. I myself have changed plenty throughout my life. And I also have watched my own relationships change with other people. I've been battling with this feeling that I'm not fun anymore. I feel like I've run out of all the good ideas. Well, I guess what it really is is that I'm so concerned with making sure everyone else is happy and doing what they want to do, that I've run out of things to do. I've become so used to just going along with what everyone else wants to do. I feel like I've lost my originality.
You ever listen to that song that just makes everything feel better. Like, you could be having the worst week and that one song comes on and you forget all about your troubles. That's what this song is for me. It's "Starlight" by Muse.
This video is a live performance off their H.A.R.R.P DVD. I think it does a good job of showing how awesome they are live while still performing the song as it should be performed and not ruining it
Artist: Muse Song: "Starlight"
Lyrics:
"Starlight"
Far away This ship has taken me far away Far away from the memories Of the people who care if I live or die
THE Starlight I will be chasing a starlight Until the end of my life I don't know if it's worth it anymore
Hold you in my arms I just wanted to hold you in my arms
My life You electrify my life Let's conspire to ignite All the souls that would die just to feel alive
I'll never let you go If you promise not to fade away Never fade away
Our hopes and expectations Black holes and revelations Our hopes and expectations Black holes and revelations
Hold you in my arms I just wanted to hold you in my arms
Far away This ship has taken me far away Far away from the memories Of the people who care if I live or die
I'll never let you go If you promise not to fade away Never fade away
Our hopes and expectations Black holes and revelations Our hopes and expectations Black holes and revelations
Hold you in my arms I just wanted to hold you in my arms I just wanted to hold
First off, this band is amazing. Fuck Brian and anything he says about them. Muse is easily on of my very favorite bands of all time. Them, Brand New, and Thrice in no particular order. Secondly, they're so epic. Now, I don't mean that in the over-exaggerated slang sense, but in the they really really are of epic scale sense.
Haha alright well onto business. Like I mentioned earlier, this song rushes over me and just takes me with it every time I hear it. No song makes me happier than this one. It's not even a happy song necessarily. If you pay attention to the lyrics it's about longing to be with the one you love. Now, I don't have someone that I want to be with and hold and make everything better. I've only been that intimate with one person, but that's in the past. I don't see her that way anymore.
So why do I like this song so much? How do I relate to it? I'm not missing someone so terribly that it tears me up knowing that I'm not with them. I don't think about anyone before I go to bed at night. I guess, I let my love live vicariously through this song. I'm not in love, but through this song, I can feel like I am. This song does that for me. I can just close my eyes and let the feeling wash over me. It's bliss really. That's the only way I can describe it.
Now all I need is for someone to fill that void. I'm not necessarily looking, but I'm waiting for someone to think of when I listen to this song.
This next song I'm bringing to you is from a band called mewithoutYou. Yes, that's their actual band name, I didn't mess up lol. The song is "Bullet to Binary." It's such a strong and captivating song.
I couldn't find an embeddable video so you'll have to bare with me and click the link. It's the actual music video so it's totally worth it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_uwgRzlrNc
Artist: mewithoutYou Song: "Bullet To Binary"
Lyrics:
"Bullet To Binary"
Let us die, let us die Dying we reply "don't talk to us about suffering, look in our eyes". Let us be, let us be- Our closeness is such that wherever she rests her head in the softness underneath, she'll feel me - and you will feel me.
Je leverai les yeux a toi- J'ai change cent foi de nom Je leverai les yeux a toi- Je n'ai pas d'spoir.
When you laugh you'll feel my breath there filling up your lungs. And when you cry, those aren't your tears but I'm there falling down your cheek. and when you say you love him, taste me I'm like poison on your tongue- But when you're tired, if you're quiet, you'll hear me singing you to sleep.
I guess one of the first things that I should explain is that the singer, Aaron Wiess is autistic. He may seem a little weird in the live video, well, that's why. But these lyrics are so strong and he pushes them forward with so much energy and power. In the line, "Don't tell us about your suffering, Look in our eyes, look in our eyes" you can hear what seems to be a desperation in his voice. Like, he has been pushed to the point where all he can do is lash out.
Then there is that verse in French. Up until recently I never understood what it meant do to my lack of understanding the French language. Well, with the help of Google Translate I was able to decode the lyrics. Here is what the literal translation is:
I will lift my eyes to yourself I changed one hundred witness name I will lift my eyes to yourself I have no holds promise.
The only way I can try to understand that is understanding that the singer is a devoted Christian who is very strong in his faith. This isn't a Christian band, rather they are a band with Christian members. So that's what I'm guessing these lines hint at. His faith.
If you think about this song in the context of it being about a girl, it's easy to understand where all this pent up rage would come from. If you've ever had your feelings unreciprocated then you can sort of get a feel for what he's going through in this song. I've always had a hard time being honest with my emotions when it comes to girls. Maybe for fear of rejection. Maybe for fear of ruining whatever friendship we are enjoying. I also know the pain of someone else owning the person you love's heart. So it's easy for me to get caught up on these lyrics while singing along. Sometimes, things swell up inside me without me even realizing it until the song is over.
The other thing I like about this song falls back to him being a Christian. My connection with God isn't the strongest. Sometimes, it's hard for me to remember he exists. This song; however, is a good reminder that no matter what trouble I'm going through, there is another means of consolation. Usually, I sing bitter songs about whatever it is I'm going through. It's my way of dealing with the pressures of life without resorting to the evils of drugs and alcohol. If I delved in those things, I would probably have a hard time getting out. I just have to remember that He's there.
I once told a girl that if she ever did me wrong, I would make this song be about her. Well, here we are not even a year later and I'm writing this blog. It's "The Ballad of Sal Villanueva" by Taking Back Sunday. It's not on any one CD except their "Notes From The Past" which was sort of a Best of.. type deal with two B-sides, this one being one of them.
Sorry about the annoying video but this was the only one I could find that wasn't live.
Artist: Taking Back Sunday Song: "The Ballad of Sal Villanueva"
Lyrics:
"The Ballad of Sal Villanueva"
"The Ballad Of Sal Villanueva"
It's not that I don't trust you well I just know what you've been up too and well this dial tone is agreeing with everything I've had in mind. and you've got your high as a kite tricks in the bag.
so as his eyes move past your shoulder and your shades start moving in the same direction don't worry I, well I won't say a thing. and you can't blame a girl for (you can't blame a girl for) stickin' to what she knows..(stickin' to what she knows)
I hope he takes his time and I hope he keeps your eyes closed tight I hope that when he leaves, you still smell him on your sheets cause I can, I can. I hope he takes his time and I hope he keeps your eyes closed tight I hope that when he leaves, you still smell him on your sheets cause I can, I can.
if I could get to sleep then, I guess you could stop pretendin'. cause if I didn't think you loved it, well then I wouldn't play along and you've got your high as a (you've got your high as a) kite tricks in the bag..(kite tricks in the bag)
I hope he takes his time and I hope he keeps your eyes closed tight I hope that when he leaves, you still smell him on your sheets cause I can, I can. I hope he takes his time and I hope he keeps your eyes closed tight I hope that when he leaves, you still smell him on your sheets cause I can, I can.
you're down for sellin' me out while I play dumb, it's cool cause I let you, thought I'd never catch you, you'd say "we're only friends." yeah, real good friends, I bet. I bet.
you're down for sellin' me out while I play dumb, it's cool cause I let you, thought I'd never catch you, you'd say "we're only friends." yeah, real good friends, I bet. I bet.
you're down for sellin' me out while I play dumb, it's cool cause I let you, thought I'd never catch you, you'd say "we're only friends." yeah, real good friends, I bet. I bet.
forget your legs around my hips. forget your hands pressed on my back. forget the letters that I kept. this is another I won't send. forget your lips, your eyes, your thighs. forget our one last kiss goodnight. forget me stakin' out your house. forget I've got you figured out.
forget your legs around my hips. forget your hands pressed on my back. forget the letters that I kept. this is another I won't send
The first thing about this song is the chorus. I don't necessarily agree with it, but I can't help but feel something boil up inside me when I'm singing those words. I get so riled up that I just want to keep singing haha. Then there is the part about how she's down for selling him out. The line, "You say we're only friends" part is exactly what hooks me about this song. I knew exactly what would happen between them and it did. I told everyone it would happen.
Also, does anyone have any suggestions for something I can use to upload songs myself besides Youtube? Maybe just a small, embeddable flash player or something would be fine so that if I can't find a video on Youtube, I can just use that instead. Thanks, any help would help
So this next post is about a girl(Go figure). We've been friend's for a long time and I've gone to great lengths for this person. It's weird, she's gotten me to be the most spontaneous I've ever been for someone. Anyway, the song is called "Sincerely Yours" by Hit The Lights.
Artist: Hit The Lights Song: "Sincerely Yours"
Lyrics:
"Sincerely Yours"
Wake up and let go Of these feelings that I've had for you It's easier said than done So give up (give up) and let go (let go) Of these feelings that I've had for you Why couldn't you be the one?
'Cause it's a guilty pleasure Deciding whether you were ever mine or not But the truth's apparent That you weren't ever mine to start
What will it take to make you understand that I I'm not lying when I say I need you What will it take to make you understand that I I'm not lying when I say I need you
So don't close your eyes
Every night I kept you up I never once heard you say stop But right now I wish I had I wish I had the nerve to tell you that I'm a wreck But what really did you expect? You never listened to what I said to you (what I said to you)
'Cause it's a guilty pleasure Deciding whether you were ever mine or not But the truth's apparent That you weren't ever mine to start
What will it take to make you understand that I I'm not lying when I say I need you What will it take to make you understand that I I'm not lying when I say I need you (I need you)
Now this broken shell of a boy Falls to pieces with no choice At the sound of her voice he falls apart Now this broken shell of a boy Falls to pieces with no choice At the sound of her voice he falls apart, He falls apart, he falls apart, he falls apart...
What will it take to make you understand that I I'm not lying when I say I need you What will it take to make you understand that I I'm not lying when I say I need you
I need you
Now the thing about this girl is the fact that I had been chasing her since high school. When we first met, I had a girlfriend at the time, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't think she was the coolest girl in the world. I guess I didn't realize the way I really felt until WAY later, but that's not even a big deal. I've had my feelings go up and down for this girl. I'd like her for a while, then I'd get over it and then it would come back next year or something haha. I swear we had the worst timing when it came to that lol.
But this song pertains to the one-sided end of the deal. The feelings I had when hers were fleeting and it was probably too late but it wasn't easy for me to just get over. I would seriously wake up and try to convince myself to not be so miserable. That she's just a girl and there are more out there, but it was never an easy feat. The truth is that I was miserable even without her in the picture, and she was my escape. She made everything better when we talked long into the night. Our conversations would end when either the sun came up or one of us fell asleep.
Then there's that verse that talks about how the boy falls to pieces at the sound of her voice. I can't help but connect there because every time we would stop talking, I would begin to get over it and start to move on. Then we would talk once and it would seem like everything was better and I would just fall right back into the hole I was trying to crawl out of.
Dude, I sound so lame lol
_______________________________
Also, any feedback would be good. One thing I was wondering about was like, would it be better to post the lyrics first, or leave it how it is with the video first?
Ever come across one of those songs that states exactly what you've been feeling lately. That's exactly what this song has been for me this past week. It's only a minute and a half long but I've probably replayed this song eight times in one day. Probably more. Just driving to work and back I can probably listen to it three times on the five-minute drive. It's by the band Trapped Under Ice and the song itself is called "See God." Here is a video featuring the song and I'll post the lyrics underneath.
Artist: Trapped Under Ice Song: "See God"
Lyrics:
"See God"
Never brought mommy smiles this feeling that i'm feeling i've been feeling for a while it's hard to admit but i got to get it off my chest i would sleep forever if there's peace in death
and if you see god tell him that i'm still alive gave up on all those prayers because they couldn't provide the answer to the questions ive been asking since birth been searching for the truth for years i can't find peace on this earth
you won't find peace on this earth
Every thing about these lyrics explain how I'm feeling lately. Even the whole, "Never brought my mommy smiles" part. I was thinking that part over this week trying to convince myself that those words weren't necessarily true in my life. That my mother and I have always had a pretty good relationship. That was of course until she sent me a message reminding me of how worthless I am. That's when I realized that, yup, those words totally fit me.
The rest is pretty self-explanatory. I've been dealing with my depression since middle school. Sure I had some good times in high school, but even with all my distractions it snuck up on my from time to time. I was doing well for a while. Pauline was always a big help with that. Not that she did anything necessarily, just that I was able to feel special when I was with her or my friends. Now that there's nobody there in that spot, it's become a lot harder to deal with it. I hang out with my friends to get my mind off things but that doesn't always work. And in all honesty, if I were to get shot, or stabbed right now, I would embrace death. Mark says that I'm fucked up in the head for not caring about continuing my life and living it out to the fullest, I just don't always see the point I guess. The truth is, I just want to go to heaven already. I've nearly lost all connection to my faith. The only thing I can still believe in is that in the end, God will take mercy on me and accept me into his Kingdom. That's why when I first heard the line, "And if you see God, tell him that I'm still alive. Gave up on all the prayers because they couldn't provide the answers to the questions I've been asking since birth" I was taken aback by it. Not necessarily out of shock or disbelief that someone would actually say that, but that I caught myself accepting and believing it to be true about myself. I've known where I stood with my faith and I knew that even though I didn't attend church on a regular basis, that I was still in His favor, but it's been harder to believe that lately.
I think it's somewhat fitting that my first official post will be on Brand New's song "Degausser." It is easily my favorite song by them. This is one of the songs I would use as an example for pouring your heart and soul into your music. It drags emotions out of me that most songs can't. I'll go more into that later. For now, here are the lyrics and a couple videos of the song.
This is the first video I came across that I really liked. I'd imagine it is hard to replicate the album version of this song live but they did such an amazing job doing it differently that I fell in love instantly. You can see how much emotion he puts into singing these lyrics. I couldn't embed but there is a link. Please watch it.
Now this next one I couldn't help but include. I didn't really intend to use two, but since I couldn't embed the first one I figured I might as well. This is from one of their acoustic sets. It is incredibly different from their other performance but it still retains so much power.
Here are the lyrics:
Artist: Brand New Song: Degausser
Goodbye to sleep, I think this staying up is exactly what I need Take apart your head Take apart the counting, and the flock it has bred
Goodbye to love, Well it's a ride that will push you up Right against the wall Take apart your head Right against the wall Chew it up and swallow it [In background:] (Does everybody really need to know everyone? Do you really think you're really a part of it? And is your army really one of some thousands? And will you declare war on the loony bin?)
You burnt bright but you run out I fell asleep in the afterlife I can't shake this little feeling I'll never get anything right
Goodbye you liar, Well you sipped from her cup but you don't own up to anything And you think you will inspire Take apart your head You wish I could inspire Take apart the demon up in the attic to the left [In background:] (When I arrive will God be waiting and pacing around his throne? Will he feel a little Old Testament? And will he celebrate with fire and brimstone Yeah, I admit, I am afraid of the reckoning)
Goodbye my love (You burnt bright but you run out) You wait right here, and they will come and pick you up (Let's sleep at the incline) I've been on pause but I'm shaking off the rust (I can't shake this tiny feeling) I've lost my charge, I've been degaussed (I'll never say anything right) I'm on my own, I've been degaussed (I'll never say anything right) I'm on my own, I've been degaussed (I'll never say anything right) I'm on my own, I've been degaussed (I'll never say anything right) I'm on my own
Take me, take me back to your bed I love you so much that it hurts my head Say, "I don't mind you under my skin I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in" Well when we were made we were set apart But life is a test and I get bad marks Now some saint got the job of writing down my sins The storm is coming, the storm is coming in
You burnt bright but you run out I fell asleep in the afterlife I can't shake this little feeling I never did anything right, I'm on my own I never did anything right, I'm on my own...
Take me, take me back to your bed I love you so much that it hurts my head I don't mind you under my skin I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in Well you're my favorite bird and when you sing I really do wish that you'd wear my ring No matter what they say, I am still the king Now the storm is coming, the storm is coming in.
There are different versions of these lyrics out there, but I just went with this one for now. They are more complete and even though some of it is missing from the actual songs, I think they are an important part and needed to be included.
There are so many things about this song that get to me. Just the beginning baseline gets me. I am asucker for baselines and this one gets stuck in my head. Then, he comes in with an almost whisper as he begins to sing. It's the perfect build-up to the chorus. The chorus is so powerful. He conveys so much emotion. And then there is the actual lyrics themselves. There is the one line, "I can't shkae this little feeling, I'll never get anything right." I hate how much I can relate to that. This past year has felt like nothing but disappointments. Sure I've had my fun, but everything has just been rolling downhill for me. Recently I faced the fact that I don't have much to show for. I haven't accomplished much, I work a dead end job. I'm poor. Nothing is right. Nothing is the way it's supposed to be. No matter what I do I can't get my mind off of it. I can't convince myself otherwise.
But that's not even it. Lately, I am so out of it I can't seem to do anything right. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's true. I can't seem to perform my usual tasks correctly. At work, I forget what I'm doing. I forget what I need to do. When I'm hanging out, I just sorta sit there, boring and not contributing to much. I feeling like I wasted everyone's time. Before, if I was in a bad mood, I would go hang out, and get my mind off of it. I can't even do that anymore. Now, I don't even hang out. I just sleep. I regret it of course because sleep brings no peace. I have dreams I don't want to dream. Then, I realize I left everyone hanging and have to deal with the fact that I flake. I expect crap for it and that doesn't make me want to hang out. It is causing me to create space and drift from the ones I hold closest to me.
And then there is the ending verses. Everytime I hear those, I can't help but think of this one person in particular. Things had always been up and down with this person and I was always viewed as the one at fault. I took this on myself not wanting to cause any pain for that person. I try to tell myself that I'm better off without that person, but it's not true.
