And I'm In The Wind

Who I was is not Who I am and who I am is not who I will be.

This statement has had a huge impact on me recently. It's not something that I didn't already know, but it was something that I had to put into the right words to actually understand. I came across the concept in a book about Zen Buddhism by Brad Warner. He kind of elaborates on the idea that the past and future are both fantasies. They are intangible ideas that do not exist. We can create records of the past and moments will always be alive in our minds, there is no way to actually go back and relive those moments. The future is just a fantasy, we can try our best to set things up to go according to plan so that we "know" that it will turn out the way we want it to, but it isn't definite. We have no real power over what will happen in the future. The only thing that is real to us is the present. The here and now.
Lately I've been reminiscing about my past and the things I did or didn't do that made me who I am today. I realized, though, that I am who I am because of the way that I think right now, because when I look back on the past I think to myself, "Well, i should have done this." or "I should have said that." "I thought that back then and I know then and now I know this..." Everything in the past is gone and done with and all I can really do is accept the person that I am now. Right now, I don't know what I am. I don't know what I will be, but I'm not worried about that. Right now, I'm just living my life the only way I know how; one day at a time. I'm a leaf blowing in the wind. I am taking care of what I have to take care of and other than that I am letting life happen. I'm not trying to be something I'm not. I'm not trying to make things happen. I'm letting life happen organically; on it's own. 

That's why I'm not trying to look for a girlfriend. I like to just let things fall into place on their own. I'm not trying to go out of my way to make it happen. A lot of people around me want to make that a reality but it's not a real concern of mine. I tell myself that at least. I would like to believe that. Truthfully, I hate being single. I hate not having someone that I can connect and be close to. It isn't a lust thing. I'm not just trying to get laid. I like having a significant other. I think it makes me a better person. When I have someone to impress, I work harder and I do better at all the things I do. But, I tell myself that it's not something I need, that it's not something I should try to force. I believe that whole-heartedly too. I really don't think it's something that you should rush. My last relationship was rushed and look where that landed me. It would be nice, though, to have someone that can be there for me to just be around. Lately, the perfect night to me would be just hanging out with someone, drinking wine and laughing and talking. Not doing anything crazy or out of the ordinary. Just enjoying each other's company. What's sad is that it doesn't have to be anyone specific. It just needs to be some one. That's why the song "Hold Me Down" by Minus the Bear really catches hold of my heart strings. It explains exactly how I've been feeling as of late. Just a leaf in the wind blowing around landing where ever the wind takes me. Be it another location or in the arms of someone that will offer me comfort, if even just for the night. So, here it is:



Lyrics:
"Hold Me Down"
And I'm in the wind
I am going to let it take me where it may
Maybe it lifts
Me to New Orleans or the dark streets of L.A.
I'm in the wind
I am in the wind
And if I fall to where you're standing
Will you tend to me?
I'm in the wind
I am in the wind
And if I end up in your arms will you help me stay?

I want your comfort for the evening
I need to pause and get my head
Hold me down, baby
Or the wind will catch me out again

I'm in the wind
And I don't know how long the breeze will let me stay
Maybe your kiss
Will calm the weather down and let me wait

I want your comfort for the evening
I need to pause and get my head
Hold me down, baby
Or the wind will catch me out again

I'm giving you up, I'm giving you up
I'm giving you up, I'm giving you up
I'm giving you up, I'm giving you up, again.

I want your comfort for the evening
I need to pause and get my head
Hold me down, baby
Or the wind will catch me out again
Hold me down
Hold me down
Hold me down, just keep me for another night

Didn't I Didn't I Know You?

I hate to admit it but peoples' perception of me is a lot more important to me than I let on. I always tell myself that I'm who I am and if people don't like it well then its their problem. But the truth of he matter is that I do want people to like me - to perceive me the way I want them to perceive me. Looking back on who I used to be and who I am today, they're two complete opposite people. Six years ago I thought I had reached the pinnacle of being a selfless, giving, person. Now that I've had time to mature and reflect on that, I realize that it wasn't who I am, and although that is how many people saw me, the people that mattered most got someone different. What bothers me is that they'll remember my good side, but the side of me that was selfish is what certain people will remember me as and that kills me. There was one person who I should have given everything to and I gave them close to nothing. I hate the fact that it is that aspect of who I was that is the most prevalent memory of me.
I just want to be a good person and do what's right. I don't want o look back on the person I used to be and be ashamed of it. I need to be more true to myself and not let someone change who I am.



Lyrics: "Oh, Hello"

Didn't I know you, mystery man?
Strange as all new thoughts on impotence.

All I want are windows
It wouldn't be the first time.

Didn't I, didn't I know you?
Didn't I, didn't I know you, didn't I know you?
All along, all we've been given is the ugliest tidings.
All along, we've been a mess.
Now quick dilation is the only chance we have left.

A stranger's just someone that you've forgotten.
How will we know if we've met before or done this dance,
Mystery man?

Didn't I, didn't I know you?
Didn't I, didn't I know you, didn't I know you?
All along, all we've been given is the ugliest tidings.
All along, we've been a mess.
Now quick dilation is the only chance we have left.

Shorter Of Breath And One Day Closer To Death

So I've sort of taken a sabbatical as of late and well, now I'm back. No podcast or anything this time around. Going back to just the song and lyrics for now. Anyway, here we go:



Artist: Pink Floyd
Song: "Time"

Lyrics:
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
And you are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in a relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say

BREATHE REPRISE
Home, home again
I like to be here when I can
And when I come home cold and tired
It’s good to warm my bones beside the fire
Far away across the field
The tolling of the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spells.

So with the passing of my grandmother, I've been thinking a lot about my own inevitable death. It's something that I ponder quite often actually. So here I was today just listening to Pink Floyd, jamming out. I initially put them on for the sake of listening to "Money" off the same album. So when "Time" came on, I got hit hard with how heavy this song is. Mortality is fresh on the mind and the lyrics are just so fitting with what's been going on in my head lately.

Just like I feel like I've taken those that I've lost for granted, I'm also reminded that I take those still around for granted, and just as importantly, I take myself for granted. I don't realize how much time I waste just doing nothing when I can be doing so much more. Whether it be sitting on the couch watching Glee with my girlfriend, getting together with my friends and watching some UFC fights, or just hanging out with my family arguing over nothing at dinner I am reminded by this song that I need to appreciate those moments more. It's the little things that are important. So I'm going to do my best to make the most of life, especially the little things. I hope you do the same.






On a side note, I've decided to add this song to my funeral playlist. I know it sounds weird but I have this playlist of songs I want played at my funeral. So far, this is what I've got:

"Soco Ameretto Lime" by Brand New
"Welcome To Bangkok" by Brand New
"Body in a Box" by City and Colour
"Time" by Pink Floyd


There have been others but I've never taken the time to write them down so some songs have been lost. I'm going to continue adding to the list throughout the years. So when I do finally go, someone please compile this playlist and burn it onto a cd or whatever and distribute it to everyone that's attending.